Depression is a mental illness wiping out the lives of many individuals and almost wiped out this guy, but then I was changed for the better. Growing up, I wasn't surrounded by individuals with mental illness until my grandmother had a near-death experience with a stroke. She shortly was diagnosed sometime after this with a form of Alzheimer's. We saw her begin to forget us little by little hoping each day for just a glimpse. For me, this was my first encounter with any type of mental illness.
Before the Alzheimer's got too bad, I accepted a calling as a missionary to Germany. This meant moving halfway around the world with my wife and kid as well as baby-to-be. This meant saying goodbye to individuals such as my grandmother who I couldn't see on a regular basis now. This was life-changing, but little did I know I would see much worse.
Ministry was my heart and I was passionate about sharing the good news of Jesus with the world. This was done through preaching the Gospel as well as through singing and leading worship from city to city and country to country. Eventually, I took on an additional position of the Recruitment Director for the seminary I was serving at. This was all volunteer and with my original duties of being over the worship team and traveling with them, I found myself traveling every weekend to a different event. This was the case for the next six months.
Until this point, I had heard there was such a thing as burnout but did not know what that meant exactly. It was during this time that I learned what this was exactly. I further found that I begin to experience it. I was on a spiral road that was out of control and did not know how to gain control again. I could not see which way was up or which was down.
Most burnout in ministry eventually leads to a form of anxiety and/or depression. Until this point, I had always thought and been taught that depression was something not of God, but a spirit of the devil. Before experiencing burnout, I studied for my Master's in Marriage and Family Studies. In these studies, I studied depression and was quite surprised, but still not a big believer that it could be a mental disease. It was at the point of my burnout that I found out that it was so much more than I had ever imagined.
I found that many ministers go through burnout and almost all have depression. Even sadder was that many find themselves faced with suicide and allow it to win in the end. The statistics were overwhelming and quite scary.
As I experienced burnout, I begin seeing myself experience depression as well. At first, it was quite light, but soon after, it began to grow deeper and deeper. I found things that did not matter at the beginning of my move such as friendships locally now mattered significantly in my life. I saw more depression come as I struggled with the German language. No matter what I did, I found myself falling deeper and deeper into depression.
Finally, I was on my way home from a conference. I remember just beginning to cry uncontrollably to the point that I could not even see the road while driving. I begin screaming as I prayed to God asking him where he was and what was happening to me. I found that this depression had taken control of me. I did not want to get up in the mornings, I didn't want to go and serve at the seminary, I wanted to do nothing at all. My wife did not know how to approach me, my kids even would be praying for me, I was a total disaster.
It was during this lowest point that I realized I needed help. I remembered my training in Marriage and Family Studies so I began seeking out a counselor. I not only began counseling sessions but found natural herbs sold at the local pharmacy that could help me through depression. This was a turning point for me.
I remember specifically with some students how they changed my life in this process. I had tried to be loving towards others but saw that I had begun to push people away. No matter how much they tried to insert themself into my life, I wanted them but did not know how to accept them. I was falling apart. One day, a student approached me and asked if I could come to a specific place at a certain time on a certain day. I tried to make up excuses of why I could not but finally gave in and agreed. That was the best decision I had made in a while.
I arrived for the meeting and was surprised to see the room decorated and a group of people waiting in a circle for me with a place for me to sit down. It was similar to an intervention and I did not know what to expect. They went around the circle and began to speak of all I meant to them and had done for them. They called it a blessing party. Through this meeting, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel and for once I was positive that it was not a train coming at me to end life, but it was the beginning of something new. I had found hope again and it came through relationships with others, with people I least expected it from. This changed my perspective on how I viewed the world as well as how I treat others in the world. This was a life-changing moment for me that helped me to set new goals in my life and career. I want to be sure that I'm there for others as these people were for me. The best is yet to come!