Six months ago my life changed in ways that I never thought possible. My husband of 16 years was arrested for Rape of a Spouse, False Imprisonment, and Inflicting Corporal injury on a spouse, and yes, I was that spouse. He was released the same day and showed up at our house with a gun 2 days later. I had to get my kids out of there, I flew my 11 year old son to Washington to be with his grandma, my oldest son, who is 18, wanted to stay with me and help me pack. Without really knowing where I was going or what I was doing I packed my car and my son and I left. That is when my mental health really became an issue for me. With my oldest son safe at my mom's house I found myself alone and confused. I had lived with my husband for 20 years, I am 37 now, my whole adult life was spent with him. I didn't know how to be alone, I lived in my car for a while and eventually got into a domestic violence shelter where I had time to sit and reflect on my past. I didn't realize how much of my life I had repressed (I think it was a coping mechanism) but all of the sudden my whole life came clearly into view and my emotions were unstoppable. I was suicidal, I hated myself, my self esteem was at an all time low, I was sad, angry, hurt...I pretty much was feeling every negative emotion possible all at the same time. I tried to find a counselor but it took about a month to get in with someone. During that month I was a mess, I couldn't work, I couldn't go anywhere without crying hysterically or having severe panic attacks. I knew that it was no way to live but I didn't have any fight left in me to do anything about it. A few weeks later I decided to call the DA's office to see when my husband would be going to court for what he had done to me and I was told that they dropped the case due to lack of evidence. I was at a loss for words, they had a witness to the events, my willingness to testify and an audio cell phone recording of the rape. I remember getting angry and that gave me a reason to live, a purpose, a reason to get help for my mental issues and get my life back because it wasn't fair that I was abused for 20 years and lost everything, was homeless and away from my kids while my husband, the one who abused me, had a great job and was living in our house, not paying any money to help me or his kids and was happy. I started seeing a counselor and learned some coping skills for panic attacks and learned it's ok to feel bad or sad or whatever, I was allowed to feel however I wanted and that was refreshing to me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depression and severe anxiety with panic disorder. I had been given a clean slate to be whoever I wanted to be and that is where I am now, trying to figure out who I want to be. I started college and am on a mission to prove to myself and my boys that you can do anything you set your mind to and take care of your mental health just like you would your physical health.

Six months ago my life changed in ways that I never thought possible. My husband of 16 years was arrested for Rape of a Spouse, False Imprisonment, and Inflicting Corporal injury on a spouse, and yes, I was that spouse. He was released the same day and showed up at our house with a gun 2 days later. I had to get my kids out of there, I flew my 11 year old son to Washington to be with his grandma, my oldest son, who is 18, wanted to stay with me and help me pack. Without really knowing where I was going or what I was doing I packed my car and my son and I left. That is when my mental health really became an issue for me. With my oldest son safe at my mom's house I found myself alone and confused. I had lived with my husband for 20 years, I am 37 now, my whole adult life was spent with him. I didn't know how to be alone, I lived in my car for a while and eventually got into a domestic violence shelter where I had time to sit and reflect on my past. I didn't realize how much of my life I had repressed (I think it was a coping mechanism) but all of the sudden my whole life came clearly into view and my emotions were unstoppable. I was suicidal, I hated myself, my self esteem was at an all time low, I was sad, angry, hurt...I pretty much was feeling every negative emotion possible all at the same time. I tried to find a counselor but it took about a month to get in with someone. During that month I was a mess, I couldn't work, I couldn't go anywhere without crying hysterically or having severe panic attacks. I knew that it was no way to live but I didn't have any fight left in me to do anything about it. A few weeks later I decided to call the DA's office to see when my husband would be going to court for what he had done to me and I was told that they dropped the case due to lack of evidence. I was at a loss for words, they had a witness to the events, my willingness to testify and an audio cell phone recording of the rape. I remember getting angry and that gave me a reason to live, a purpose, a reason to get help for my mental issues and get my life back because it wasn't fair that I was abused for 20 years and lost everything, was homeless and away from my kids while my husband, the one who abused me, had a great job and was living in our house, not paying any money to help me or his kids and was happy. I started seeing a counselor and learned some coping skills for panic attacks and learned it's ok to feel bad or sad or whatever, I was allowed to feel however I wanted and that was refreshing to me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depression and severe anxiety with panic disorder. I had been given a clean slate to be whoever I wanted to be and that is where I am now, trying to figure out who I want to be. I started college and am on a mission to prove to myself and my boys that you can do anything you set your mind to and take care of your mental health just like you would your physical health.