I used to be called “smiley face.” My parents always tell me how I lit the place up wherever I went, but now they tell me how much they miss my smile. Though I only think of it as part of growing up, maturing is not the same as being depressed. My dad often tells my sister and I how his family has a depression issue. It is not confirmed, but the stories are enough to know that my dad’s side of the family has inherited depression. I saw it once with my grandma and how she lost her sense of self and ability to do anything. How her body became like a lifeless object and the light in her eyes had long since been gone. We all thought she was going to die soon, but my mom and other relatives helped her. They took away her pills, cleaned her place and gave her company for a long time. A year later was my sister’s Quinceanera and when I saw my grandma again it was like seeing a different person. She danced and laughed with others, as if her spirit got back to being that partying teenager I always heard stories of. We all thought that was it, but cases like that are not that uncommon in the family. Even if we know that there is a problem, we are Latinos. We do not believe in psychiatrists. My parents have a good enough reason to hate psychiatrists. When my sister was taking a test to be enrolled in school, the school therapist asked her to draw her family. The result she came up with was that my sister hated her family just because she drew our aunt closer to her. That person spitted a bunch of lies saying that my sister had a lot of trauma and resentment for her family. My parents clearly didn't believe her because my sister was fine, and she really was fine, she was just a bit closer to our aunt. saying that your kid has a problem with you, as a parent, it doesn't sit well. so that was the end of psychiatrists for my family. Although I have no way of knowing if this depression can be inherited, I can't help but fear the day it will come for me, or maybe it is already here. The time I moved out from Colombia to live in the US was the worst time of my life. I felt resentment for the life I had lost and for the things that bit by bit were leaving me. I am not good with expressing myself so those feelings became a physical pain in my body, one that would not let me breathe and one that I would have to feel so strongly every time I woke up. It made my life more difficult, I couldn't make friends, and school was just another weight on my shoulders. Three years of high school like that made the experience less than ideal, but as time passed so did the pain. I did not live in sadness but numbness to everything, so I spent my days relearning what I wanted from life again. I am an artist so I, obviously, use art as a coping mechanism, letting the page in my hands hold the feelings that I don't want to carry anymore. But I was still missing direction, that was when I took AP studio art and that the inquiry for my portfolio was born. I explored the many meanings we give to life, purposes like love, money, success, religion. Also, the challenges we face like the loss of purpose or the absurdism of life. All the art pieces that I created reflecting the meaning of life helped me find my own purpose. And I say purpose like something abstract since there is no one nor correct answer. I found out in that class that I like philosophy and seeking the reason why things are like they are. Also, I like to hear other people; their perspectives, opinions and feelings are more ways to learn about life. Right now, I can't say that I got myself out of that ‘depression’ alone since I don't know if depression is something that could ever be defeated. Nor will I say that life is still as miserable as it was because I am starting to like my life now. Since I learned that perspective could play you many mind tricks, it is only a matter of changing it. Even right now when I ask for help, just to speak with a therapist once, I know it will be difficult because of my family but that doesn't mean I will stop trying. I just want to get tested because I don't know what I have. Sometimes I think I have depression, others anxiety. Maybe I am autistic or maybe I just need a healthier diet. I might sound funny or hypochondriacal, but that is just how crazy of a role mental health can play in our lives. Mental health is the goal I now have in mind, so I can fight this generational curse of depression and live without letting depression be an obstacle and being able to feel completely and freely.

All my life I have been obsessed with animated movies. The way pixels of multiple colors could make you feel so many different emotions, and tell so many stories in the most beautiful ways was the thing that made me love art since I was a kid. I wanted toys from multiple movies like barbies, Legos and dolls from Disney movies, but my parents didn't have enough money to buy them. My solution? Draw them. I would get paper, sharpies and scissors to draw the characters and cut them to make paper figurines. I spent most of my childhood in my bedroom recreating the characters of movies like wreck-it Ralph, Barbie, my little pony and many more. Playing everyday with them, recreating my favorite scenes or inventing a new story. As time passed, it wasn't about scarcity anymore, but about the affection that grew in me for spending my time and care for my little pieces of art. As I grew up, I don't know why I stopped doing it. I still loved animated movies, but I guess the teenager in me didn't want to play with paper figurines anymore. The one thing I remember is feeling a bit lost about what I wanted to do for my life and my future. Then the pandemic happened. For me, it wasn't that bad being at home all the time, but I had to find a way to spend that time. That was when I decided to learn how to draw properly, I was worried that the time I had would slip out of my hands and that pursuing art would become impossible. After all, Colombia is not a country that respects art as a professional career that much, but even so, I still chose to pursue art in any way that I could find. Time passed and I began to learn more about anatomy, color theory, composition, techniques and immersed myself in a bigger artistic world that I never thought existed. Due to issues in Colombia, my family decided to move to the US in hopes that my sister and I would get the opportunities that could improve our lives. Here, I was able to get better art supplies and be more involved in art programs. Being able to express myself artistically in a place where any idea was welcomed was the thing my child self dreamed of. Even though my relationship with art had its highs and lows, I will always keep pursuing it because it has taught me many things. Being able to observe objects: its shape, color, texture. Makes me aware of the essence of that object, as well as people. Watching others makes me aware of the many different phases of people. When people cry, laugh. When they are bored or angry. It all makes me wonder, why.? What are the things that we want to maintain hidden inside a tough looking exterior? What are our hopes and dreams? What are the emotions or thoughts that words will never be able to explain? Observation is one of the most important skills, because we understand how the subject works while also appreciating its beauty. What I plan to accomplish through my art is simple: Gain a better understanding of our world. For me art, in any form, is the way to reflect our souls and share our joys, sorrows or thoughts with others. The same way animated movies let me see a representation of our shared experiences as humans, I hope to achieve the same by creating beautiful stories that people can feel connected with.