Growing up in rural Washington State during a time when mental health issues generally weren’t discussed, was difficult to say the least. My mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety, my father an alcoholic, along with the myriad of other mental health issues in our extended family -- couple that with the unwillingness to even mention, much less discuss, that these issues exist; and you have a recipe for disaster. As a rule, people just didn’t talk about mental health or their feelings, it was a taboo subject and for most the solution was to ignore it and hope it went away, and when that didn’t work, drinking usually filled the void.
In my early twenties my dad had an affair and left us -- I still remember that moment, the moment that our lives, as we knew them, ended. In the following months, I found my mother holding a pistol in her hand, sobbing, contemplating putting it to her temple and pulling the trigger. I took the gun from her and held her tightly, trying to take all the pain away with that embrace. Weeks later while at work my phone rang, and she told me she had taken all her Xanax, attempting to dull the pain. After I got to the hospital, I saw her lying there not knowing when or even if she would wake up – a nightmare come true.
During the period when my mom was seemingly lost in her pain; my dad was nowhere to be found. I was left all alone taking care of my younger siblings and my mother, doing my absolute best to fulfil my role, not just as a big sister but now as parent and counselor.
I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of the range of emotions, not just my mother’s but also my sister’s confusion and my own feelings of despair. My dad didn’t just abandon her, he abandoned us too, and I was devastated but far too busy taking care of everyone else to do anything for myself. Little did I know that my dad’s abandonment and the sudden weight of it all would have devastating consequences for my own mental health.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks, chronic depression and ADHD to contend with, though I did not know I had them until my thirties. I spent most of my twenties trying to self-medicate and became addicted to opiates. I did anything I could to try to manage the pain and fear I was feeling, emotions that I had no clue what to do with.
Now I look back at the turmoil of my early adulthood and shake my head at the amount of trauma I endured and the things that I have overcome. Nine years ago, I made the choice to get clean and free from opiates, and it was the best decision in my life. My relationship with my husband improved after almost ending over the drugs, and I could begin working on the underlying causes of my addiction. I could truly begin to heal and discover who I was meant to be.
Less than a year after that I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter Serenity. She brought so much into my life that I didn’t know was possible, so much joy, love, and a hope for the future that I never knew was possible.
My beautiful girl was born developmentally disabled but healthy overall, and now that she is seven years old – is just an absolute treasure. I thank the gods for her every-day, I wouldn’t trade anything about her for the world; despite the emotional and behavioral challenges she poses. She gets overwhelmed easily because of big emotions or big noises -- she will hit herself, kick and fight and have meltdowns. But she is also kind, polite and so smart, she has the best sense of humor, and is so much more than the labels she’s been given. She has gifted me with patience and gratitude, along with a deeper understanding of people who are neurodivergent – and most importantly a greater love than I've ever known.
All the horrible things that I saw and experienced led me to be the woman I am today; they gave me strength and the resilience to carry on. To live to fight another day, to learn the hard lessons so that Serenity doesn’t have to. Through all my struggles and the challenges that being a mom to a special little girl has posed -- I have learned so much and become a much better person for them.
Taking what I've learned, I will put an end to the cycle of trauma, poverty and ignorance of mental health that has plagued my family for generations. I won’t let my daughter go through what I went through, I will never place that burden on her. I've learned my own coping strategies through much trial and error and am still learning positive ways to live with my illnesses and the unique challenges they bring to the table.
When I say I am better for my trauma, I mean it. Instead of being stigmatized and feared in my eyes, my mental health struggles have given me a greater understanding about the problems that surround mental illness and how to be more empathetic of others with mental health problems.
I never aspired to be or do much, I let my fear and anger resign me to a life of minimum wage. But no longer weighed down by my mental health, now I can aspire for more – I can be more than I ever dreamed I could. I will become the person I was meant to be; I will be the first in my family to graduate from college, I will be the first to use my artistic talents and make something of myself -- I will break the cycle and no one can stop me, not even myself.