My favorite artist is absolutely Prince, in every way. He was not just talented, he was the best at every single thing he did, no matter what it was. He was the best drummer, singer, guitarist, bassist, dancer, AND basketball player in his band, and better at those than just about anyone else. His live shows inspire me every time I remember them for their sheer magnitude and ambition.

I honestly don't remember. I just sat down with a guitar and played with effects and built-in synths in Logic Pro, and this thing came out. I do remember with the different synth sounds, I wanted to create a Phil Spector Wall of Sound vibe, and I think it came out nicely. Recording the octave delay guitar that you hear in the beginning became harder to do as more instruments were introduced because the delay kept throwing off when I was supposed to actually play. If you ask me, that adds to the overall effect of the song.

In our front yard, we have the scariest little barn I have ever seen. This thing is TERRIFYING. Even though it's only been there a couple of decades, I am convinced it is still haunted. It was BUILT haunted. When I was little and used to drive home late at night with my parents, I would cower in the back seat as I passed it. I cannot understate just how terrifying this little barn is. If money was not an issue for me or my career, I would tear that barn down faster than you could say "What are you going to replace it with?" I would then answer that question and replace it with a small state-of-the-art music studio (and apartment above so I can live there). I would include an isolation booth, a main control room, many recording areas, and the most soundproofing money could buy so I don't bother my neighbors. Unfortunately, music is such an incredibly expensive hobby that all of this would run me more money than I have ever seen in my life except on television shows. Given that, I would buy ungodly numbers of microphones and amplifiers to get every single sound you could think of out of my guitar, and dozens of synths to get every other sound. I would also travel more, hopefully bringing my studio with me. I want to see the world and experience living in different countries, like Japan or England. Plus, I would be able to see their music scenes and get immersed in them, which would make me a better songwriter and overall musician.

I am cursed with an incredible and selective memory. I can remember every joke about being replaced, every sideways glance, every offhanded comment someone made about me just by looking at them. It's almost as if I have a database stored away and seeing the person brings back all the painful memories I thought were no longer issues. It is very much a skill I would like to lose. I still cannot show love to myself. That is not the end of my story. We haven't reached the end of my story yet, I still have so many years to go. I still avoid mirrors because I can't forget about offhanded comments on my nose, on my body shape, on my face, and otherwise. But, alongside a thin and lanky frame, an incredibly large nose, and funny-looking eyes, I also have the gift of empathy and understanding. I know I'm not the only one with image issues and cripplingly low self-esteem, and many of my friends have opened up to me with their own struggles. It's shocking to me how someone so wonderful inside and out wouldn't be able to see that. And then I get to thinking a little more. If my friends struggle with their own image, their own self-worth, their own wishes to never exist at all, and yet I can only see the best in them, maybe I could extend that same courtesy to myself. After all, I struggle with all of those issues more than I have ever let on, and yet people reaffirm and swear left and right that I am worthy of love and space in this world, much like I do for them. My story isn't done yet. I haven't yet extended that same love to myself. But I know it's possible to overcome everything, even if with a little outside help from caring friends. Bit by bit, I love more of myself each passing week, and the parts I don't love, I accept as a part of me nonetheless, and I am still deserving of a place in this world.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life, on top of nearly crippling ADHD that has almost cost me every single opportunity I've stumbled across. I've used it to become a more empathic person and try to understand everything about everyone around me. I know I don't talk about my struggles and put on a happy façade for my friends around me, which leads me to assume that my friends do the same for me. Most importantly, I extend that kindness to the passing stranger, because you never know what could be happening in their lives. I'll admit, I've faltered. It's hard to maintain kindness and understanding, especially if it comes as a detriment to myself. When I'm in a rut, when I'm numb and don't think I'll ever feel emotions again, it becomes difficult to show kindness to other people, even though I would very much like to. I am incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who can extend that same kindness to me when the world comes crashing down. I do not know where I would be without them for showing me the love I could not show myself. On the other hand, however, I have once surrounded myself with people who told me everything I thought I needed to hear. They would uplift me on every possible occasion, sing my praises to the moon. It was a modern-day Greek chorus. It couldn't last. Even though this was good for my mental health in the short term, once I started expressing more severe symptoms of mental illness and exhibiting destructive tendencies, these friends were no longer anywhere to be found. Essentially, once I became a "burden," they cast me aside. I have since found the friends I wrote about earlier, who show me true kindness even at the worst times in my life out of pure love, and not a desire to surround themselves with as many friends as possible by singing their praises like a Siren. Now, I feel I should put my money where my mouth is and share a specific story of when I showed kindness to a friend in need. Possible content warning: this next paragraph mentions suicidal tendencies and idealization. Many years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school, I had made a group of friends across the country at a camp the summer before. It was one of the most tight-knit groups I have ever been a part of, and every one of us loved every other fiercely. One Saturday evening, I get home from an outing with my family to a message from half an hour ago: "I tried to kill myself this morning, and the only reason you're getting this is because I failed and plan on trying again." Every other friend in this group had seen the message and said nothing. I didn't know what to do, so I messaged her that we should chat the next day and just talk about anything and everything. Over a seven-hour conversation, I end up convincing her to give a mental health ward a try. She is now a rising junior at New York University, and though she still struggles with mental illness, she found her drive again. Even though that experience scarred and scared me, even though I was never sure if what I was trying to do would work, and even though it made me physically ill from stress, I would do it again. I have done it again. Since then, I've researched mental illness at the Duke Talent Identification Program and plan on eventually getting a doctorate in neuroscience. It's all chemicals, right? I can help. I can help more than saving one friend's life, or multiple friends too. I can find ways of, for lack of a better term, "curing" mental illness. I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for my dad, who struggles with severe depression. I'm doing it for my aunt who struggles with severe anxiety. I'm doing it for my great uncle who struggled with depression and addiction. I'm doing it for Rae and everyone else who has felt lost and hopeless with struggles. I promise you and everyone else who may read this, though it may not be the next phase of my life, that I will dedicate years of my life to studying and demystifying mental illness. We may never get a "cure." If there's one thing I learned in my neuroscience camp, we may never truly understand the brain as it is just so damn confusing. Not only that, everyone's brain has this funny habit of working uniquely. But there ARE answers to be found, and for everyone's sake, I will find those answers and help in every single way I can, short of genetically modifying unborn people (I have a code of ethics).

My entire life, I have struggled with stage fright. The moments leading up to taking the stage are nerve-wracking and full of anxiety like nothing else. But once I take the stage, all of my stress melts away completely, and it's just me and the show. Every single worry about what could go wrong suddenly doesn't matter anymore, and I become someone else. It's hard to see, but in this specific picture, I'm also wearing stage makeup other people really wanted to apply. I definitely got side-eyed at this show, but I didn't care. It was time to perform.

I write music for myself and to learn all about the process of creating. There are so many effects, so many instruments, so many possible melodies and sounds and songs and emotions to create. I'm just trying to learn as much as I possibly can, and hopefully learn even more. I do this for the love of music. I have never been concerned with being the "best" musician or guitarist in my hometown, I have never dreamt of winning America's Got Talent or Idol or any other talent show. I simply want to create and share my art because I love my art. I have a bunch of musical ambitions, and I plan on achieving them all. The first is to become well known enough that I can get on a stage and start playing a song and be completely drowned out by a huge audience screaming my own songs back at me. I know the Beatles didn't really like that, but I want to experience it at least once. I also want to write a concept album as ambitious as The Wall, where the entire album tells a beautiful and meaningful story over the course of an hour. I also have a slightly more entrepreneurial ambition with music. I would like to found a label and open a studio later in my life to make the music industry more accessible to everyone who would like to be a part of it, so long as they have the drive to create. I think music should be available to everyone, and I plan on making it that way.

The pandemic was like a collection of dumpster fires next to a toxic waste dump that was also on fire. It seemed never-ending; at the time of writing this, it is actually not over yet. In the past year, I have been forced to reckon with myself, my friends, and the world around me, and it has been a painful time of reflection. But it has also been incredibly important for me, and I would not be where I am without that reflection. From this time one year ago to now, I have completely shifted my academic goal and future goals into something that more accurately represents what I want to do with college and my life. I now know I want to study abroad and eventually move to Japan, now know I want to study music technology, and I now know the kind of person I want to be. Of course, I feel the world could have done without the pandemic and that pain. I am fortunate enough that I did not have to suffer as much as those around me. I was instead able to reflect on myself and who I am and change for the better.