Everyone has their own experiences with their mental health. Our experiences can influence our beliefs, relationships, and career aspirations. It all depends on your state of mind, whether past or present. My personal experience has played an enormous part in my life in college. Because of my mental health, I have been able to see people and ideas in different ways.
Mental health isn't a fixed situation; it can change over time and for different reasons. My mental state, of course, has changed back and forth from positive to negative. So I'd say it's a little bit of both, but more negative than positive, unfortunately. I could go on for hours about why I'd been in a negative state of mind if I had the time. But I'd say the main reason for my negative state of mind is, unfortunately, because of a few family members and my college experience.
Two Summers ago is pretty much when things started getting worse. I was getting ready to transfer to a new college, Iona College (now known as University), which just happened to be a private school. My mother and I constantly disagreed about my discussion; she felt that I should continue to stay at community college until I got my Associate's Degree. However, I didn't want to be at a community college; I wanted to start and stay at a four-year school, and she already knew. Unfortunately, my mother felt she needed to involve other family members in our disagreement solely to get them to side with her. Adding to my distress, they did. Despite their unsolicited opinions about my discussions, I followed my heart and transferred anyway. After all, it was around the time colleges started lifting a few Covid-19 restrictions. I was tired of attending class behind a computer and being at home. And after losing what's perceived to be the "better half" of my Senior year of high school to Covid-19, I was so stressed. I was just ready to leave home and start having new experiences!
Despite the disagreement with my mother, I understand the main reason she didn't want to transfer to this new school: it's expensive. Our relationship had been so bad years before and even more strained during that Summer. I was now more focused on getting away from her rather than considering her opinion, even though she would never consider mine. In addition, I had a hefty past-due balance from Spring 2021, and it was preventing me from being able to register for classes for the following Fall. Because of the large tuition balance, I could not pay it off. I even reached out to the family to get help; some genuinely couldn't, and others didn't want to. I even worked what I would consider "ungodly" hours over the Summer to try to pay it off, and that still barely even made a dent. Finally, since I couldn't pay off the balance in time for the Fall semester, I was forced to leave my new school. I had grown very attached to this school and the people I've met. I was also involved around campus, so having to leave because of money was a heartbreaking experience for me.
Of course, having to come home this Fall, my mom and aunt ridiculed me for the situation. And any time my mother and I get into an argument, she always brings up my current problem, which of course, makes me upset. My mom's always getting under my skin, but ever since the Summer of 2021, she's been worse. So now my mother, aunts, cousin, and sometimes my brother, as well as other family members, have started saying negative and untrue things about me. The things they say have been getting under my skin. And the weird thing is that they'll later complain that my self-confidence is low, or they'll get angry or upset that I don't want to talk to them. Unfortunately, it's driven me to the point where I started to write a suicide letter. While maybe I have no intentions to commit suicide, the thought of doing so has been crossing my mind more recently than ever. I haven't told anyone about it, but I plan to one day.
My mind has been negative between not being able to attend the school of my choice and not getting along with my family. I'm honestly not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year since those are both holidays that I usually spend with my family. And as for school, I'm currently back in the community college so I can keep on credits to graduate. I'm not sure what my situation will be for the Spring semester or next Fall, but I'm hopeful I'll somehow be able to return to school. As for my family relationships, I don't see things getting better anytime soon. Until I leave home again, I'll have to keep my distance to avoid negative interactions with them, especially with my mother. My mentality has decreased over the past two years, but I hope it improves. And I know it'll get better.