I have wanted to take part in the therapy field for quite some time now. Having seen a therapist from around the third grade to about my senior year of high school, I fully understand the immense mental health benefits that come from speaking with someone. Especially someone who is specifically trained to listen and provide aid. That being said, in my former group, I was the “therapist” friend meaning that I would constantly get trauma dumped on as the people in my life considered me a safe space. I was their ally against the struggles we all faced with mental health, This, while unhealthy for both parties, made me realize how important it is to be there for others. My generation is struggling to survive in this capitalist hellscape the world is currently under. There is fear and uncertainty and I want to at the very least help people navigate our society the best I can. I know I can’t fix people or the issues that the world has. But If I can save people from taking their own lives, like my friend did nearly two years ago, I feel it’d be worthwhile. Life is a precious gift we only have one shot at, and I want nothing more than to make it better for anyone I can reach. I think the worst thing about losing someone I loved so much from suicide, is that it quite literally happened out of nowhere. I never pictured my friend Lars, leaving this earth at only twenty years of age. The age, that I am currently. Having that weight on me has made me even more passionate about my field of study at Augustana College. I'm currently trying to double major in psychology and Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. Along with a minor in creative writing. All of these studies will be used to network within my community. A community that I actively already do volunteer work within. With the Gray Matters Collective, Quad Cities Harm Reduction and Planned Parenthood I have further found reasons to keep going with my passion of helping others. Outreach is key to fewer battles lost to suicide. Battles that should not be dealt with alone. I plan on joining the ranks of those who want to make a difference in the lives of others. I don't care about money, nor do I do any of these actions for my own gain or validation. I just want people to enjoy life more. To have that chance to live healthier, fufilled experiences.

I am 20, the same age as my dear friend and mentor who passed unexpectedly. It’s nearing the 2nd anniversary of his death and I truthfully don’t know how to feel about it. They suspect it was an overdose. But that’s just how he died, what’s more, important is my relationship with Lars and how his presence on this earth impacted so many people. I met Lars all the way back in 2019, at the Midwest Writing Center’s Young Emerging Writers Program. He was friends with my childhood friend Ava, who was also miraculously in the program with us! He was always so passionate in all he did and said. Whether that be in his work and performance or his thoughts on the state of the world. He was a force and would support his friends to the end if needed. I never could’ve pictured losing him. I was three weeks into my first year of college recovering from illness when I got the news he was gone. I had dealt with loss before, but this felt different. Most of the losses up until that point had been older relatives, not anyone around my own age. After the funeral, healing was a long and difficult process. I didn’t feel like eating, drinking or doing any writing, which is a major love of mine. If it wasn’t for my professors being understanding and my mom and friends being there for me, I would not have passed any courses that year. It’s been a while since then and slowly I’ve gotten my voice back with writing. I have since come back to write, as it's been my consistent rock and I cannot shake it no matter how many breaks I take. I continued to be an intern for the remaining years I was old enough to do so before becoming a staff member and workshop leader this summer. I wanted to take on the role that he would’ve had at the Writing Center, but also the leadership he showed me. Him and our original group known simply as the “Jellybeans” due to the massive jar he brought to the writing workshop that was swiftly eaten in a week, brought a lot of love and light into my life when I was mentally at my lowest. I’m thankful that he and the others encouraged and believed in me to get where I am now. 2022, was the final year I was in the internship’s yearly book, the Atlas. It was dedicated to him because it wasn’t just my life he touched. He touched the writing world, the quad cities community, and his family with his words. The knowledge that if he were here in person, he’d be teaching English to kids, getting them excited to read and write hurts. I’m still heartbroken at a reality that only exists alternatively. My poem “ Irises”(When I Think About You) opened that particular Atlas. In a way, it was my goodbye to someone who will forever leave a mark on my life. I will continue to write and have since really tried to continue my efforts to be an advocate for mental health care and awareness. Lars will continue to drive a lot of passion and creativity into me. Like his nickname, he will be immortal in my mind.

My faith is strengthened by the fact that I’m still here alive today. I have dealt with anxiety and difficult life events since I can remember, but everything thrown my way has brought about my strength and resilience as a person. God has a plan for me and a big part of that plan is helping others. Whether it be through my poetry and other writings or even my ideal career working as a mental health counselor or therapist. I want people to know that their battles are not unnoticed and that they have the inner strength to find comfort and healing within their life. Through my belief in God and his teachings along with good role models in my life serving our church, I have learned to be a giver to those in need and be understanding and accepting to those I come across. God tells us to love our neighbor, and I do not discriminate with who I help or try to befriend. A few years ago back in 2021, a beloved friend and mentor of mine passed away at 20 from suicide. For the longest time I felt an incredible amount of guilt and anger towards God for taking away someone who was young and loved by me. But now I know that even though God has power over his creation, there are many things in it that aren’t the easiest to explain. Sometimes, that’s enough. Grief is a difficult topic, especially when I too deal with anxiety and depression but through this and other major losses in my life, I have begun to heal. Healing to me is remembering that my emotions and process of that grief or even just the mental health struggles I have aren’t anything to be ashamed of or hidden. The world is in a mental health crisis currently and it’s important to me that people know they aren’t alone and that they have many resources and communities there to help them. I am what my friend group considers the “mom” friend. Meaning that I am always checking in and caring for them no matter what. I enjoy being there for people. It gives me a sense of purpose when I get the chance to help people feel better and enjoy life a bit more. I truly feel it’s within God's plan for my calling, that I am able to go on to have a career helping make a difference in people’s lives. Especially teens and young adults as they are the future of the world and the most likely to end their lives due to mental health struggles. Everyone deserves a chance to find joy in living again and I wish to be a helper within that. For life in God's creation is worthwhile.