As Chaplain for the National Guard, mental health is the number one issue I encounter, almost daily. From having soldiers in crisis over finances, to full-on suicidal ideation and having to get EMS involved, I have seen and heard it. But on a deeper level, I have had those exact same feelings within myself. I have felt cold steel against my head, I have heard the audible *click* of a safety being disengaged from a handgun and the thoughts of "My family will be better off without me" have rung through my head many times. As a Chaplain, I know how to work backward to a place of ease, for a soldier in crisis that is more difficult, as I have to walk them back slowly and sometimes repeat many steps. The most challenging part of all of this is having 100% confidentiality as a Chaplain, meaning I cannot say anything to anyone for any reason. All of these things have influenced me to be who I am today, but more than that, they have influenced me to go back to school and pursue a degree in medicine to help others more. I want to become a doctor in medicine to help patients in this field and get them the care they need and not become another statistic. I want to help destigmatize the idea of mental health and make it an open and honest conversation between medical providers and patients. The industry today is broken when it comes to talking about mental health and if I can help save just one, and more, then I can be okay with that. The number of negatives I have seen in the mental health industry, specifically in the military has been abysmal, to say the least, and the suicide rates among military members currently serving, and still in, is ever rising. I desire to remain in the military and pursue a degree in medicine to help change the culture of mental health from the inside out. I have seen a significant change since I joined in 2010, but there are still a lot of the "well we have always done it this way" souls and the culture is still bad. I believe the more we talk about it from a provider perspective, the more it is brought up and becomes normal to talk about, and the more we can see change. As a Chaplain I can affect it in some ways, but because of confidentiality issues I run into, I can only go so far, pursuing higher education will help me change the culture and use my story to help.

For many people, they get to the end of their life and have many regrets. Maybe for not joining the military, not going to school, not taking that job that would have soared them to new heights out of fear; whatever that "thing" is, everyone has them. For me, it was pulling out of my pre-med program during my first Bachelor's degree out of fear of not being smart enough and listening to that inner monologue in my head telling me as such. I finished my degree and went on to pursue a Master's of Divinity and become a Chaplain for the Army. In my time as a Chaplain, I have gotten to spend many times next to soldiers in a hospital, or a crisis and getting to work with Doctors and nurses directly has been amazing, but for me as a Chaplain, my care ends in the hospital. While I can counsel soldiers and patients, I can get them resources, that is where my care ends and I want to be able to go further than that. Becoming a medical doctor allows me to care for soldiers and civilians in a way that I simply cannot as a Chaplain. The body has always been a fascinating thing to me and seeing how quickly people can recover, or decline, always amazed me, which has led me to study how the body and mind connect. I want to be able to bring that knowledge and skill to patients and help them see the connections and how everything in our body is connected. I would say that one thing that has made going back to school both terrifying and challenging is going back to school full-time while having a family (a spouse and three young children ages 9, 7, and 18 months) and figuring out how to pay for all of our bills and school. While this is a challenging aspect of going back to school this is also what is driving me to go back. I want my children to see that no matter their age, no matter how long I may have been out of school, or how long they may be out of school, there is no such thing as "it is too late." This challenge of raising a family, while going back to school and eventually, and hopefully, medical school can help show my patients that I work with that they too can accomplish anything they desire to do, it may just take a little bit of a mindset shift and as their doctor, I hope I can provide them tools and resources necessary to make that shift and accomplish their goals.

Have you ever felt cold steel against your head? Have you ever heard the *click* of a safety being disengaged from a weapon? Have you ever sat in your bathroom and cried and screamed, feeling like an absolute failure as a parent or spouse? If you have not, I envy you because this was a reality for me for quite some time and for many others. I know what it is like to stare at the barrel of a gun and think "You know, I could end this all right here; my family will be okay, I have a good life insurance policy and they will be good." This conversation I have had with myself and as a Chaplain for the National Guard, I have had this conversation with many soldiers as well. This is why I believe mental health is important. Because I refuse to be another "22 a day" statistic and I refuse to allow other service members to be one as well. I believe mental health is a very important thing that needs to be talked about more. For 10 years in the military we were taught to "suck it up and drive on", and "Don't bring up your mental health, no one cares" and this carried forward into me almost ending my own life because I did not want to be a burden to others or my family. I thought that if I brought up how I was feeling I would be seen as weak or not strong enough and now I understand that is simply not true and to be honest, the exact opposite. I have seen a great change in the military, but it cannot stop there, it needs to continue on to college campuses, and I believe it is. But, I believe it is not talked about enough and we are still seeing an upward trend of mental health crisis', and covid certainly did not help as many people were not taught and/or given proper coping mechanisms and this is something I want to change. So, how do I maintain my mental wellness now? I have an amazing group of friends and peers whom I speak with daily. Whether it is a simple check-in or a long, hard conversation, these are people I trust with life but they are also not afraid to ask me the tough questions I need asked. I have an amazing support system that I am more open with and the more I talk about it, the more I find it easier to open up to others about those things I have struggled with and in turn they also open up. Though it is not easy, it is becoming easier and I hope I can continue to impact people and not become a statistic.