I took a deep breath of the crisp summer night air and looked around. I took in every detail: the light falling on me from a dim bulb above, the honking of a horn off in the distance, the gentle rustle of a bird landing in a tree nearby, and the faint sound of shoes clicking against the pavement. The stillness of the city separated every detail, every moment from one another, a contrast to the steady buzz only hours earlier. I noticed a businessman stepping out of his office rubbing his eyes ready to turn in after working late. He stopped, illuminated by the light spilling out from his office building and checked his phone. I took out my camera and snapped a photo, I continued down the street and noticed a security guard hurrying down the steps to the subway tossing his pack on his back. I took another photo and looked down at the camera screen, a sense of euphoria setting over me. This series of photos I have submitted is from a project I created in the summer months of 2022. The project is titled "Windows", a reference to both physical windows, and metaphorical ones. During this project, I found myself drawn to the scenes unfolding in front of me through windows and this led me to also look at my camera as a kind of window. A window into a moment in the people's lives in front of me. I began to crave these intimate moments, existing only through my camera and seeing myself fall away. I spent numerous days and nights wandering the streets observing people, their appearance, expressions, emotions, and how they interacted with the city. I started to feel like I understood these people and it not only taught me so much about them but myself as well. After wrapping up “Windows” I felt the hole the project had been filling up. In that hole, it became clear what these moments I craved were all about: A yearning for understanding, for learning and growing, and for sealing these intimate moments into a permanent frame. Observing people and capturing their moments has not only helped me love and be content with the present, but these observations have also taught me so much. Although this project is over my craving for these moments will never end.

I slumped down against the wall in my bedroom. I clamped my hands around my head, dread coursing through me. I felt so alone like no one in the world truly could relate to me. I felt hopeless. I felt so, so empty. I spotted my marijuana vape across the room and anxiety spiked through me. Was I really going to turn to get high again? To hide my problems in that cloud of smoke? I gave in and crawled across the room grabbed my vape and inhaled a large puff of smoke. I crawled into bed basking in a moment of relief, but then moments later, it all came back with a vengeance. My family has a long line of mental health issues that have impacted me and my family my whole life. My father has suffered from bipolar that has torn our family apart. Growing up it was so scary waking up every day not knowing which side of my father I would find. My mom finally left my dad when I was 12 but I was left alone with my dad for 6 more years. During those years I experienced endless emotional abuse from my dad. He was cruel and manipulative and made me feel terrible about myself. When I was 14 I turned to alcohol drugs and partying to escape the feelings my dad left me with, I would sneak out most nights to find whatever high school party I could get into. I eventually got in with a group of high school seniors that let me hang around them. I was exposed to countless drugs they were experimenting with that would stick with me through my early years of high school. Early in high school my depression and anxiety started getting pretty bad. My father was completely unaware of my issues, he was too wrapped up in his own problems and grief from my mother leaving him. He would often take out his anger for my mom on me, screaming at me to no end. I started challenging him almost wanting him to scream at me so I could stand there straight faced showing him his abuse did not bother me, but it really did. After every fight me and my dad had he would completely change the next day winning me back and convincing me he had changed. This peace between us would be wonderful and would only last a couple of days until I set him off again. I lived in this toxic cycle for 6 years until recently I turned 18 and moved out to live with my mom. This decision to move out was so difficult and I was met first with so much anger from my dad, then a series of guilt-tripping, and manipulating that has continued to this day. Since I moved out I have been realizing the effects of my father's abuse. I have been seeing in my life my inability to trust other people and truly let them in. I have been doing better with my substance abuse lately and am seeing a therapist again to dive into the effects of my father's abuse. I have also started a photography series expressing my mental health struggles to spread awareness but also offer a compassionate look into mental health that people may not have seen before. I hope to impact just a few people that see my work. I hope to show people that feel deeply isolated that there is hope to make it out of the situation they are in.