Growing up, I was one of two boys in my immediate family. My father was not in my life, and my only male cousin was very anti-social, so I grew up around girls. As a young, black boy, this was weird. I could never be a part of "girl talk" because boys liked trucks and playing in the dirt. Expressing emotions were a mixture of "She's crying, so I can cry too." and "Men don't cry. Suck it up". The contradictions between what I wanted to do and what was allowed started to appear.
I started school, got exposed to other people my age, and gravitated toward girls. Spending more time around girls caused me to pick up on their speech, mannerisms, and interests, causing me to be more feminine than usual. Christianity, Society, The black community in general, and my mother all perpetuated homophobia at a young age, an age at which I first started looking at boys because girls did too. I felt trapped being unable to say what I felt, even though I found guys attractive. I put my feelings and thoughts through a filter that would make me appear more "correct" and masculine. I'd convinced myself that this was the true me and continued this way for years.
What started as minor attractions to celebrities on television grew into full-blown lusting over boys. Seeing people explore their sexuality and get hated for it only pushed me further into a shell that I barely fit in. I tried to be more masculine, but the feminine behavior bled into my life whether I wanted it to or not. Hearing "He's gay" or getting called slurs was mortifyingly embarrassing and made me want to prove people wrong even though they were right. I liked boys, but I liked girls too. My being bisexual was out of the window because it "didn't exist" apparently.
High school was where I began to break out and explore my sexuality a lot more because of the LGBT presence. In my sophomore year, I accepted my bisexuality, and in my junior year, I came out to some friends. It felt amazing because I had people to talk to about my interests without feeling uncomfortable talking about them. Along with this "awakening", I became painfully aware of how unacceptable this would be to my mom. She's made it very clear throughout my life that she "does not agree with the lifestyle," and I'm not sure how to navigate this next part of my life.
In a society where black men being hypermasculine is the only choice, I fail. My dad often tells me stories about how he's never lost a fight or about how he joined the army to teach himself discipline and that I'm nothing like him. He's okay with it, though. He doesn't know about my sexuality, but he's confirmed that he would be fully supportive if I were. That mentality was surprising because I'd never heard a black man ever say anything like it, which is an issue. African Americans have very few advantages, so why create more?
Why'd this have to be my story? Why couldn't I have a comfortable childhood like heterosexual people? With my background, I stand out in most places. I want to create environments where kids can grow up comfortably without being killed or kicked out because their parents are unaccepting. I instill this mentality into people around me and encourage them to perpetuate these ideals. When the world moves forward with this idea, we'll be one step closer to peace.