You say I am loved
At that moment I could feel every fiber of my body, my heart especially. I felt scared thinking that in that very second I changed my life, you couldn’t just undo such a decision. My mind was made up, they were sitting in my stomach and all I could do was wait. Tears ran down my face like morning dew, so subtle only God could notice. He did notice too, I knew he could see me. He cried tears for me and my poor little broken heart. Unlike him I was selfish, I cried for myself; I cried for my life and how short it would be. Who will remember me? Did I matter? What would I leave behind? My thoughts were flooded with what if’s. Through all my egotistical beliefs I thought of my Momma, she has always held my hand, she saw me for me, I will break her heart; that made my tears roar down my cheeks.
Sitting on the floor of a filthy bathroom I cried and then something whispered in my ear reminding me of my pain, my decisions, the disappointment I had become. Ingesting my killer was a slow death, the taste in my mouth was metallic and bitter. Remembering my appearance I stood up and wiped my tears, knowing no one would wipe them for me. I didn’t feel like I had just sold my soul, I could fake being happy just for a couple of hours.
Writing this story makes my insides shake, May 7th, 2019 was the moment that changed my life forever; it was a slap in the face to reality. My destiny had already been in motion, God had a plan for me but I still tested him and myself. Fate is a risky business, and I was risking it all. Carrying my heavy heart around caused muscles in places that I could no longer tolerate.
Knowing the pain I would cause my family hurt worse than anything I could have done to myself, he knew they couldn’t handle my death; he is kind. When I looked into my Momma's red eyes I knew what I had done was real, she looked at me like I was going to fall apart right in front of her, and I could have. Trying to imagine what she was thinking wasn’t hard: it wasn’t her fault, I had decided I was broken beyond repair. The drugs entered like a parasite, it set up camp in my body and almost ate me alive.
I lived in darkness for about a year and I let it almost kill me. But what I realize now is that those drugs killed the person I didn’t want to be and fueled my love for the shepherd and father. Walking today I am ten times stronger than I have ever been. Sometimes your biggest mistakes become your strongest motivators, I will never return to that place or feed that pain and self-seeking spirit ever again. I have seen the truth and the light, that is Jesus Christ. “The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me. In You, I find my worth, in You I find my identity”
Although all the odds were against me, I still rose from the ashes. I am currently in my final year of high school, six years later. We were told many times I wouldn't make it this far but I never let that stop me. Today I work in many different ways to inspire the people around me. I want to be a place of comfort for people in need. Working at the YMCA has taught me that no matter how old I am, I can still make a difference in the community. I decided to pursue a job at the YMCA in 2020. It was a time of uncertainty and I wanted to do my part, I applied as a lifeguard and worked in that position for about a year. But I often felt like I wasn’t doing enough, so I changed positions and became a licensed swim instructor. This profession allowed me to work with children every day and help prevent what is now one of the top ten causes of death in children. I tried out for the Varsity swim team my freshman year of high school, which was a significant step for me given my health and lack of experience. To attend tryouts, I joined a training course at the YMCA to master the necessary strokes. After weeks of preparation, I felt confident enough to try out. In the end, I made the team and discovered that I am passionate about swimming. I work at the YMCA to this day and have taught hundreds of children and teens to swim.
Attending college will be a significant milestone in my life; I never imagined I would go this far. Although I'm not frightened; the notion of walking on campus for the first time gives me butterflies. College is a key that will open many doors, knowledge has and will continue to drive my future. As a student, I will push myself in order to achieve; while writing this essay, Pablo Picasso's remark "Action is the basic key to all success" comes to mind. No one will do this for me, I must take the first step. Even as I move forward to bigger and better things I will always remember that little girl inside me, she taught me so much. Now I can reflect on my battle scars and build a life for myself in this world.