What would she think of me? What would she say? I sat next to her on the speckled blue carpet in the dimly lit corner of Mr. Meyers's room. The backpack hooks in the wall dug into my back but it reminded me I was still alive. I tried to focus on the math posters that lined the wall. I handed her a letter I had written the night before. Covered in words from, the page was stained with my tears; the words smudged and illegible. I sat, waiting impatiently for any sign that told me she understood. When she finally looked up, I tried to smile at her. “Do you know I love you? I don’t think I could get through school without you. I don’t want you to ever leave,” Alana declared. I kept looking at the posters and ramming my back into the hooks so I didn’t cry. “I love you too but I don’t like this. I think I would be better if I just couldn’t feel anything” I said, trying to justify what I had written in my letter. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone,” I begged, almost embarrassed of myself. At home that night, my mom and I were sprawled on her bed, watching The Nun, the TV screen illuminating the room. Her phone pinged with a missed call from my school and minutes later my dad’s phone rang from the living room. “Isabella, come here” my dad yelled with an uneven tone. My school principal called my parents, telling them their 12-year-old daughter was suicidal. They reacted the way any parents would, grief-stricken, their only baby did not want to live. My mom cried openly, enveloping me in her arms. My dad cried too, it was the first time I had ever seen him tear-stained and vulnerable. “What could be so wrong in your life?” my dad stammered. “Did we do something to you?” they wondered but I had no answer. Immediately, my parents searched for an available therapist and I was introduced to Kay. A few months later in our first session, she told me “Emotions are like waves. They come and go but you can’t let the tide take you out to sea.” That was the first time I felt like someone was trying to give me tools to help me instead of fixing me. It was also when I knew this would be a journey that lasted a lifetime with no explicit path. No little girl should stay up at night wondering why she does not love herself. No little girl should have her parents ask her “What is wrong with you?” she does not know herself either. She is confused and hurting. I want to help people to understand themselves, for her. For the people who do not understand their emotions and the people who are told what they are feeling does not exist. I need that little girl to understand that there is nothing wrong with her. My journey through mental health has been rough, many tears shed and sleepless nights have gone by. However, the experience was invaluable. Without this experience, I could have grown up to be one of the parents who ask their children “Why are you like this”. I could have been one of the individuals who refuse to acknowledge that mental health is real because they “have no time to be sad”. Or, I could be dead, drowned in the sea of feelings.

My life began at the end of 6th grade. I was depressed, did not know how to cope, and did not feel self-love in any. “Alana, I have to tell you something,” I said shakily to my best friend, eyes brimming with tears. “I don’t want to be here anymore” I confided. What would she think of me? What would she say? “It’s okay” She replied with a soft smile. Later that night my parents got a call from my school, telling them their daughter was suicidal. They reacted the way any parents would, grief-stricken, their only baby did not want to live. “What could be so wrong in her life?” they thought. “Could it be us?” they wondered. They asked me many times “What’s wrong?” but I had no answer. It was not my parent's fault or my friends' influence; it was me. Pure, unadulterated, me. Soon after I was introduced to a therapist named Kay. I was nervous, but she was reassuring. She helped me learn to cope with anxiety and depression. She also unknowingly helped me form a foundation for my future aspirations. However, I was not perfect after my sessions with Kay ended. I was much healthier, but I was not perfect. From 6th grade (and for the rest of my life), I will journey through the ups and downs of mental health with therapists like Kay. They will help me find what makes me tick, what calms me down, and how to take care of myself. I know now too; this will be a journey that lasts a lifetime with no explicit or linear path, and that is okay. No little girl should stay up at night wondering why she does not love herself. No little girl should have her parents ask her “What is wrong with you?” because she does not know either. She is confused and hurting. I want to be there for all the people like her, I want to be there for the people who do not understand their emotions because there is seemingly no reason for them. Not only for these people, but for the people who are condemned as “crazy”, and are compared to criminals like Ted Bundy over a similar mental disorder (over which they have no control). I am deeply passionate about furthering my education in psychology because I want to help people help themselves. I want people to recognize their behaviors and the effects they have on those around them. I want them to know you also need to work through your flaws. With this, I can show people they can learn to love themselves and be better for the people in their lives. Without my encounters with mental health, I do not know if I would have had the same passion for learning psychology I do now. I would not have related to the people who do not know their identity, and because of that, I could have been uninterested in social science. I may have been one of the parents who ask their children “Why are you like this?” or maybe I would be one of those people who compare psychosis to psychopathology without knowing what either is. Without my experience I would not be anywhere near the person I am today; I would have different aspirations and a different personality. I am not grateful for the experience, but I am thankful for the person it has turned me into and the goals it has helped me form.

The song "This Side of Paradise" by has an extremely important message for me; it reminds me of the love I have for one of the most important people in my life. During eighth grade I had to do remote schooling because of COVID; it was lonely but I had a wonderful best friend who I had known all my life, Isabel. We would do everything together and we would call each other during the pandemic. When we would talk, it would make me exceptionally happy and would remind me I always had her. We would often have music in the background and one day "This Side of Paradise" came on. The song depicts a person in love, telling their partner not to be lonely and rather they should "come be lonely with me". When we listened to the words in the song we deeply resonated with it. One of the first lines is "love so strong it makes me feel so weak" and that line connected with me because I love Isabel so much it hurts; I want to see her so happy that it breaks my heart to see her upset. However, the line I love the most in that song is "if you're lonely, come be lonely with me". I appreciate this line because even when I want to be alone, I want to be with Isabel. This song reminds me of the love and admiration I have for Isabel and comforts me the way she does. When the song comes on my playlist unexpectedly, I recall our memories and the happiness we feel when we're together. Just writing this essay about this song makes me emotional because I mean it when I say it holds a special place in my heart.

Through my perspective, feminism is the act of destroying gender stereotypes across all people, including people of color, and bringing awareness to the issues women and POC face; furthermore, it is the attempt to equalize all people (women and POC's) to the white man. This is an important movement because we have been undermined and seen as lesser since the history of America. We can do anything but today we are still discriminated against, regardless of the intentionality of it. Feminism is necessary because it makes an effort to reconstruct the way women and POC are perceived as second best in comparison to white men. Although it may seem as though I am attacking white men, I say this because in our American patriarchy white men have been seen as the top tier person. Women and POC should be regarded in the same manner that the top of the patriarchy is regarded in. Though not wildly considered a feminist, Emily Bronte is an inspirational women I believe to be a feminist. She wrote her novel "Wuthering Heights" in 1847 before the first wave of feminism which makes her even more important to me. She was one of the figures who created the first feminism bandwagon to jump on. In her time, Bronte was apart of the few women who really published novels. She was in a male dominated industry and stunned the world with her words without the discrimination of being a female author through an alias. Bronte wrote about an abusive relationship between Cathy and Heathcliff, shedding light on one of the many issues that women have suffered through for ages. Throughout the book, she depicts Cathy and Heathcliff having mental health issues such as stress and depression; she elaborates on how physical health will follow ones mental health. This is insanely inspirational to me because she wrote about taboo topics without fear of the repercussions. She was a trailblazer for women who wanted to write and share opinions about their time. She impacted my view on feminism by expanding my perspective, her actions were subtle yet so important. It helped me realize even little things matter in this movement. In a movement that can feel so stagnant, it is important to realize that little things do matter. It can be hard to look for the progressive steps when there is so many people walking backwards but Emily Bronte helps me realize that the small-scale wins are just as necessary. I am contributing to feminism in my community through fitness. I actively go to the gym at my school and I am often the only women in there. It can feel very intimidating and uncomfortable being surrounded by men when working out. But, I support my peers interest in working out too. I encourage them to go to the gym and increase the amount of women that go frequently. Furthermore, I am advocating for a girls junior varsity soccer team at my school. This year they announced that there would only be a varsity girls soccer team while the boys would get both teams. As someone who enjoys the sport but is not serious enough for varsity, I was devastated. So I met with the sports coordinator and my weightlifting coach to explore possible options. We are currently trying to form a team together. Even if my attempts fail, I realize that the act of me attempting is good enough as it is.

During the COVID lockdown (and my 8th grade) I began watching the show "Criminal Minds". The show involved my two biggest passions, crime, and psychology. After finishing the show, and then watching it over and over again, I decided that was exactly what I wanted to do; I wanted to be a profiler. Profilers are also known as criminal investigative analysts; they investigate crime scenes through their knowledge of behavioral science and investigative psychology. Since the beginning of High School, I knew what career I wanted to pursue, but how was I going to achieve it? After researching profilers and the requirements they had to have, I made a plan to achieve my dream of becoming an investigative analyst. The most important part of the plan was that to become a profiler, you needed at least 10 years of relevant experience. To fulfill that, I decided that I would graduate early (in 2024) and will enroll in a university majoring in behavioral science. When I turn 21 and have my bachelor's in behavioral science, I would apply to be a police officer and continue pursuing higher education. I would then continue to work in this position, or a similar one, for 10 years and apply to become a profiler. Not only will my years as a profiler positively impact the world, but so will the years I spend gaining experience as a police officer, a detective, or maybe a special agent. As I work my way up, I will have the chance to help people in danger, seek justice, and bring awareness to certain psychological topics to my peers. I will proceed to further my education while I work as a cop, this will positively impact the world because I will be able to better understand the actions of the people I work with and help. Up until now, I have been talking about the impact that would come as I worked my way up, once I become a profiler my positive impact would multiply tenfold. As a cop, I would only be able to help so much while also applying my knowledge of psychology, as a profiler I would be able to do both simultaneously. I will be helping victims, helping catching criminals all while being able to spread awareness to these individuals about how psychology impacts our actions. I will also positively impact myself because I would feel accomplished knowing that I would be able to help so many people along the way.

In the most literal sense of the term "generational wealth", it means nothing to me. Generational wealth is often seen as financial gain passed down from generation to generation; however, because I do not relate to this definition, it means something entirely different to me. As a second-generation American citizen, I have no generational wealth, neither do my parents nor do my grandparents. They had to make their own money, the only things passed down from their parents were pictures, familial bonds, and tradition. Generational wealth means exactly that to me, tradition, pictures of my great-great-grandparents, and the sense of community I get from being around relatives. My family might not be able to pass down a wealth of money, but we can pass down a wealth of wisdom and community for all the generations to come. In my eyes, generational wealth has nothing to do with finances but with all the other things family can give. The reason my definition is vastly different is that growing up I knew I would have to work hard for my money, like my parents and my grandparents. Generational wealth is not an option for me, so I view it as the security I feel when I am around my loved ones and how one day, I will be able to pass that security onto a new generation. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to pass down these bonds to generations to come, and maybe I will end up giving generational wealth in both senses of the term. If I decide to have kids, passing down my generational wealth would be much easier. I would do my best to give them a sense of security, follow the traditions my parents and I did (as well as make some of our own), and create memories with them. On the other hand, if I decide I do not want kids, I am still capable of passing down generational wealth. The only difference is that the kids are not biologically my own. Even still, I will give them a sense of security (I hope they feel they can tell me things they would not tell their parents), we will have traditions, and we will create memories. However, I am still young and have many years to decide whether I want kids. If I have the means to do so, I want to leave my family with financial assets along with the knowledge I gained over my lifetime, that way the meaning of generational wealth will be greater for the new generation than it was for me.