The first time that I asked God to kill me was when I was seven. I grew up in an environment that left me feeling isolated and unloved. I had to persevere all these years with a mind that kept telling me that for the sake of others and myself, I would be better off dead. I came to a revelation right before I entered high school. What if I proved to the world that I am worthy of living? I used all the cruel worlds that my family would spit me as my goals. Stupid meant I had to prove to everyone that I was smart. Ugly meant that I had to prove to everyone that I was pretty. The list goes on but my goal was to reverse all the negative words pinned against me as my way to show the world that I am not those awful words, therefore I deserve to live. I found myself putting hours into my appearance, I became a bit obsessed with fashion and the latest trend. I was very conscious of the way that I presented in front of others. I avoided speaking and being too loud in my gestures or presence. In the academic world, I started going for the “big name items”, such as NC Governors School a summer program offered to “AIG” or academically/intellectually gifted students; or the President of my high school International Thespian Society chapter; or playing the lead and or being the Stage manager for my high school’s theatre production. I applied to top schools in the US, I strived to graduate with honors and even found myself being recognized as an NC scholar with the presidential award. After putting the past four years into showing that I was worthy of living I found myself at a bit of a loss come my senior graduation. I felt disconnected from myself, I had spent the past four years shaping myself to be the opposite of what everyone labeled me to be. However, now that everything was said and done, what was left for me to do? Although it is a work in progress I have begun to reverse the damage I caused myself from this past four years. Being someone that I am truly not was difficult and draining. I felt like an empty shell. I came to realize that in a way all my efforts were not worth it. I lost myself in desperation to prove that my life was worth living. I had stopped living the day I decided to prove to others that my life was only worth living if I stopped being myself. This past year I have been striving to find myself again in hopes that one day I can go back to being that stupid ugly loud girl who was full of life. The achievements I made in high school did fulfill my desire to prove to the world that my life was worth it. However, they did not fulfill my desire to live life for myself. Despite this, none of those accomplishments pleased me the same way as my greatest accomplishment has— still being alive to this day.

Physics and Theater— an unlikely pair. Despite their surface level difference, they have more in common than you would think. These two paired together led to the realization that allowed me to live a life dedicated to myself. In my youth, my parents told me to pursue a career path within the STEM fields. My parents feared that if I pursued a career path outside of the STEM field, I would continue living in poverty. I had difficulty straying from my parent’s desire as I wanted to make them proud of me. Come my senior year, I decided to accept their wishes for me and pursue a career in physics. I had done well in a physical science class in my junior year. I figured it would do me no harm if I pursued Physics in college. I decided to enroll in an online AP Physics class my senior year of high school. With a combination of undiagnosed ADHD, an online course, and a reluctance to do the course– it did not go well. However, I persisted with the course and still planned on being a Physics major despite my true passion being in Theater arts. Being involved in my high school’s theater arts department was comforting. I felt seen when I was around my theater peers. I was involved in a community I could connect with. A community that would accept and support me both in and out of the “theater” world. This sense of comfort allowed for growth and confidence that I once lost due to my need to please others. I found myself challenging fears that hinder my true personality from shining. I allowed myself to be present in front of others, to have my voice heard. Through my involvement in theater arts, I began to find myself. I soon realized that if I wanted to continue to discover who I am, I would need to start living life for myself and not for others. Although I feared straying from my family’s wishes, I decided to take charge of my life and choose the career path I wanted— an actress. Taking an online AP Physics course and becoming a Theater arts major was not how I imagined that class going. Like live theater, “mistakes are bound to happen,” while some may say it was a mistake for me to have taken that class, I am glad that I did. Physics helped me find the importance of living for myself. In some way I want to give back to the community that was there for me; I could become a theater arts teacher, I could create a space dedicated to future thespians, or even become a role model through my artistry. Whatever direction life goes, I know that it is due to my desires. Physics and Theater— an unlikely pair that has allowed me to live a life dedicated to myself.

Physics and Theater— an unlikely pair. Despite their surface level difference, they have more in common than you would think. These two paired together led to the realization that allowed me to live a life dedicated to myself. In my youth, my parents told me to pursue a career path within the STEM fields. My parents feared that if I pursued a career path outside of the STEM field, I would continue living in poverty. I had a difficult time straying from my parents’ desire as I wanted to make them proud of me. There was one simple answer: I would become a Physics major. Performing well in a physical science class my junior year, I figured pursuing a career in Physics would do me no harm. However, having no class dedicated to physics on my transcript, I decided to enroll in an online AP Physics class in my senior year of high school. With a combination of undiagnosed ADHD, an online course, and a reluctance to do the course– it did not go well. I persisted with the course, still planning on being a Physics major despite my true passion being in Theater arts. Being involved in my high school’s theater arts department was comforting. I felt seen when I was around my theater peers. I was involved in a community that shared the same fears and desires as mine. I was part of a community that accepted who I was, one that would support me both in and out of the “theater” world. This sense of comfort allowed for growth and confidence that I once lost due to my need to please others. I found myself challenging fears that hinder my true personality from shining. I allowed myself to be present in front of others, to have my voice heard. Through my involvement in theater arts, I began to find myself. Knowing who I could potentially be was wonderful. I could hardly imagine the person I could become if I fully embraced myself. I knew the first step to becoming myself was to take charge of my life, which meant picking the major I wanted. As much as I feared straying from my family’s wishes, I decided to become a Theater arts major. I never imagined that taking that online AP physics course would lead me to become a theatre arts major. Like live theater, “mistakes are bound to happen,” while some may say it was a mistake for me to have taken that class, I am glad that I did. Physics helped me find the importance of living for myself. In some way, I want to give back to the community that was there for me; I could become a theater arts teacher. I could create a space dedicated to future thespians or become a role model through my artistry. Whatever direction life goes, I know that the path I will walk is a result of my desires and not the desires of others. Physics and Theater— an unlikely pair that has allowed me to live a life dedicated to myself.

Physics and Theater— an unlikely pair. Despite their surface level difference, they have more in common than you would think. These two paired together led to the realization that allowed me to live a life dedicated to myself. In my youth, my parents told me to pursue a career path within the STEM fields. My parents feared that if I pursued a career path outside of the STEM field, I would continue living in poverty. I had a difficult time straying from my parents’ desire as I wanted to make them proud of me. There was one simple answer: I would become a Physics major. Performing well in a physical science class my junior year, I figured pursuing a career in Physics would do me no harm. However, having no class dedicated to physics on my transcript, I decided to enroll in an online AP Physics class in my senior year of high school. With a combination of undiagnosed ADHD, an online course, and a reluctance to do the course– it did not go well. I persisted with the course, still planning on being a Physics major despite my true passion being in Theater arts. Being involved in my high school’s theater arts department was comforting. I felt seen when I was around my theater peers. I was involved in a community that shared the same fears and desires as mine. I was part of a community that accepted who I was, one that would support me both in and out of the “theater” world. This sense of comfort allowed for growth and confidence that I once lost due to my need to please others. I found myself challenging fears that hinder my true personality from shining. I allowed myself to be present in front of others, to have my voice heard. Through my involvement in theater arts, I began to find myself. Knowing who I could potentially be was wonderful. I could hardly imagine the person I could become if I fully embraced myself. I knew the first step to becoming myself was to take charge of my life, which meant picking the major I wanted. As much as I feared straying from my family’s wishes, I decided to become a Theater arts major. I never imagined that taking that online AP physics course would lead me to become a theatre arts major. Like live theater, “mistakes are bound to happen,” while some may say it was a mistake for me to have taken that class, I am glad that I did. Physics helped me find the importance of living for myself. In some way, I want to give back to the community that was there for me; I could become a theater arts teacher. I could create a space dedicated to future thespians or become a role model through my artistry. Whatever direction life goes, I know that the path I will walk is a result of my desires and not the desires of others. Physics and Theater— an unlikely pair that has allowed me to live a life dedicated to myself.