I grew up Christian since the day I was born, and went to church every Sunday until around the time COVID began. The church that I went to was filled with drama, hypocrites, and relatively traumatic experiences that bridged a distance between me and my faith. Regardless, I always believed God was real, and I knew I would return to God eventually. My ultimate return to faith was triggered by a breakup with a long-term boyfriend during my freshman year of college at Howard University. From October 2023 to March 2024, I was going through one of the toughest times in my college career. On October 26, 2023, my mother’s birthday, my boyfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me over text. The pit that I felt in my stomach was indescribable. The emptiness in my chest was dissipating throughout my entire body as I continued to process this heartbreak. This boy was all I knew for those past 4 years since I was 13 years old, and I thought we were going to be high school sweethearts and stay together forever. He was the first boyfriend to meet my family, and I was the first girlfriend to meet his, and both families took us in as their own. I was so deeply loved by all who loved him that I felt like I was losing my boyfriend and an entire extended family, worsening the hurtAmidof this break-up, during which we knew that we were still in love despite long-distance taking its toll, I began to see a side of him that was nasty. He progressively became manipulative, disrespectful, and soon, distant. This altered my outlook on life as I began to question my self-worth and wonder what I did to deserve this treatment from him, lessening my self-love. The immense heartbreak led me on a path back to a deeper faith. In the midst of one of the deepest depressions of my life, I came to realize that God would never put me through anything I could not handle. Before this situation, I was navigating life through the lens of “I don’t need God when I have my mother and my therapist”, but as a believer, I had to realize that hardships are placed in my life to test my faith in God, especially when my mother and therapist couldn’t save me. 2 Corinthians 5:7 reads “For we walk by faith, not by sight”, and I carry this with me as I walk through life because a belief in God is the greatest one you can have. Starting during the first semester of my sophomore year, I began attending on-campus church services every week, praying more frequently, and indulging in the Word more. I notice a change in my self-love as I come to realize how beautifully made I am in God’s image. I noticed a new peace that came with believing that God would handle any weapon formed against me better than I ever could. I notice a glow as I notice my prayers being answered every day. Ironically enough, my name, Imani, translates to “faith” in Arabic, and I noticed that it has become a theme in my life. I still have more work to do in my relationship with God, but I have come a long way and all I can do is thank God for his grace and mercy every day.

It’s ironic I feel that experiencing homophobia from those who I love most is the largest obstacle I struggle with because I feel like it’s the last thing people know about me. In a way, that part of me is hidden, unintentionally though. I’m feminine-presenting, how would anyone know I like women? I’ve been in a heterosexual relationship for the past 3 years, how would anyone know I like women? In some ways, my sexuality being “hidden” from the naked eye is a privilege. It’s a privilege to walk around free from immediate judgment for presenting as queer. It revealed the true colors of many around me. Hearing my favorite aunt tell her grandson, who, ironically enough, looks up to me, that “girls should not kiss girls” right in front of me pained me. Experiencing the dilemma of whether or not I owe her forgiveness because she has done so much for me my whole life confused me. I have this idea of her acting as if she’s accepting of me if she were to ever find out her favorite niece is one of those girls that shouldn’t be kissing girls, and that bothers me. I feel that I can’t blame her sometimes. The intersectionality of being Black and queer can come with these moments. The overall culture of the Black Christian community is one that is generally homophobic because God said “man shall not lie with man”, so in reality, this may be all she knows. I wish that made her actions hurt less though. I hate that others around me don’t accept my sexuality because at times, I don't accept it myself. I hate putting on a mask and acting like I’m not hurt when I’m told I’m not really queer. The internal battle of accepting my personal version of bisexuality can’t fade away and others’ unacceptance piles onto that. It also makes me wonder if they truly care about me like they say they do, if they don’t love every part of me. Though this overall situation is one that I consider an obstacle, I continue to learn from it. I believe any lesson is a positive one. One thing I learned is that love is complex. I wonder if my close friends and family that aren’t open to accepting and loving every part of my being truly love me at all. This thought is then combated by their actions of affection, and passion. I do believe that they love me, but I think that they love the image of me that they want me to be, and in that way, love is complex. As someone who is growing and will likely pursue love in the future, I believe that is a valuable lesson to learn. I also learned that it is time for me to accept myself fully before I expect anyone else to. I say that those around me make me feel worse than I already do. But in reality, their unacceptance should hit a wall, unable to permeate through me and enter my mind bank of things to internalize. I shouldn’t be able to be affected by what others say because at the end of the day, I deserve to be secure in myself and who I am, and I deserve to feel the amount of love for myself that I desire from others. I think the first step toward this level of self-love and self-acceptance is the use of affirmations. Speaking positive words to myself and loving myself out loud will allow me rid myself of these insecurities.