Friendship is the bond that I have between two girls I met in middle school. Friendship is the bond that we created despite the drama and the hardships of life, despite growing up and graduating. Friendship is knowing ‘ I have a place to go when life falls apart. It is the joy of falling in love with interests that you never would’ve noticed because it makes the other person happy. Friendship is being silly and stupid and embarrassing and not caring because you were all laughing so hard you can’t catch your breath. Friendship is the person who scrapes you off the concrete and put you in the shower because they believe you deserve better. Friendship is those who lay next to you when they can’t scrape you off rock bottom. Friendship is like a first love that’s just as deep and intimate and hurts like losing a limb when it’s gone.

This self portrait is called “Spiritual awakening”.It was created in 2020 using a canvas, liquid ink, a paint brush, washy tape, a push pin and clips. When I started my spiritual journey I expected a sense of peace and joy and happiness to be brought into my life. I thought it was just about drinking smoothies and doing yoga and writing in a journal. Like somehow magically your life gets better, brighter and more hopeful with the power of positive thinking. I was ignorant like a child. I was going through a very difficult time in my life. My sense of reality completely shifted in who I was and my place in the world. I was in the process of healing my inner child and deep major traumas. I was doing shadow work looking at the darker sides of myself and embracing them for what they were. I learned very quickly that pain and anger are the parts of myself that loved me and wanted better for myself. I am a collage of all of my experiences put together good and bad. Spirituality was the tool that I was using to see myself as a whole instead of the parts. The darker side of spirituality is hardly ever mentioned in social media. Walking the spiritual path looks less like a commercial yoga instructor smiling from ear to ear and more like a grown adult crying big crocodile tears, talking to their inner child about why they don’t go get ice cream more often. Seems silly to those who are on the outside looking in but the same can be said about a Christian who Prays to God in the sky or an atheist who doesn’t believe in anything despite all the science that shows just how marvelous the world really is. Each person spiritual path is different but more often than not you will reach a point in your spiritual journey where you must heal. Much like in kung fu panda when po is a dancing with a raindrop, he didn’t achieve inner peace because of the core moves will because he healed parts of himself that were still hurting from childhood . There will be a point in time where you have to break down who you are, dissect your understanding of yourself and the world. It’s like a part of you is reborn again and again to connect to a higher understanding. I created the image to look like Buddha, a spiritual teacher who founded Buddhism and it said to have reached full Enlightenment. I found it ironic how similar our depictions looked despite the tone being vastly different. I used a jet black ink symbolize the Heaviness of the atmosphere With Scribbles around the figure show how chaotic the outside world is. I used lifeless crying eyes to express The raw exhaustion and numbness from inner healing. Well also depicting a third eye crossed out in a big black X with a bright yellow emoji pin stuck in the middle. This was to symbolize that my Awakening was founded in realizing that I truly know nothing and see nothing. The strips of colorful washy tape symbolizes brief moments of experiences and emotion. Some running right through the figure and others never touching it at all.The Clips surrounding the canvas depict similar emotions and Perspectives of other people. It depicts what spirituality looks like on the outside most people.

I don’t believe in the commercial version of self care that social media tries to spoon feed us. I don’t believe that self-care is just bath bombs, naps and pretty aesthetics. Self care is dirty messy and sometimes outright disgusting! Self care is looking in the mirror and being honest with yourself about what you need whether that is rest or getting up and brushing your teeth because depression has had you in bed for a month. Self care can look like taking a bubble bath or taking a day to do nothing but relax but it’s mostly doing the hard things. Personally, self care looks like making sure I go to my therapy appointments even if I feel like I don’t need it. it looks like setting up a structured routine. It looks like doing the dishes that piled up for a week, applying for scholarships, scrubbing the toilet and cleaning the house, walking my dogs and spending time with my family, it looks like ugly crying when I have an emotional day and setting hard boundaries with people I’m close to, it even looks like cutting ties with people i love that are toxic to me. Sometimes it’s going to bed early knowing that I had a long day. Self-care is making sure I’m doing what I need to do no matter how difficult or stressful it is. Self care is make sure that I’m OK and I’m working towards what I really want out of life. Sure we all need a day that we can sit down and watch TV and relax, that is a part of self-care. However, real self-care is not taking a day off when you know you need to spend it doing things that you cannot put off until tomorrow.

The only way to have a growth mindset is to embrace the necessity of pain and discomfort. I’m not saying that you need to be a masochist to have a growth mindset but the simple truth is pain is a part of growing; that’s why babies get fussy when their teeth come in. That’s why toddlers get grumpy for a month and suddenly they can’t fit any of there clothes. That’s why when teenagers hit puberty, they become down right insufferable. All these uncomfortable stages of life are necessary to live a full and happy life. If you are constantly afraid of getting hurt you can’t be open to other possibilities and opportunities that make life worth living. If you were afraid of the the pain of failing you wouldn’t apply for that high paying job or move to a new country or even fall in love and star a family. That discomfort is the price you pay to experience success. Now I’m not saying all pain is good. Pain is a double edge sword. Hurting yourself on purpose is a form of self harm that will never make you feel better or bring you closer to success. Stressing yourself out trying to study until you have a nervous breakdown is a good example of self harm. If you push yourself too much you won’t retain anything and end up failing your class. however, embracing the discomfort of learning something new will provide you more opportunities for achievements and you might find something you truly love in the process. I personally try to embrace life outside of my comfort zone and except that discomfort is a small price to pay for all the benefits and experiences I reap from each hardship.

I failed kindergarten and I couldn’t read until I was in the fourth grade. Shocking, I know but I could read basic words heard and there. I just couldn’t read a full sentence by my self. Even still I have issues with reading and writing. I hated reading with a passion because it made me feel stupid. I just didn’t get it like the other kids until one day I did. I was so far behind the other kids in my class that would be privately tutored by my English teacher before the school doors opened and during lunch and after school on days I could stay. It wasn’t until the fourth quarter of that year that a book was placed my hand that I could understand. Sudoku and 1000 paper cranes was a book about a little girl in Japan who got cancer and died because of the atomic bomb in World War II. She tried to fold a thousand paper cranes so her we should be granted to get better but she died before she could finish. Her classmates and love ones finish the paper cranes and buried her with all thousand of them. It was such an inspiring book not only because it was the first book I was able to read by myself but also because of how much I connected with the story emotionally. It was about a little girl who never give up even until the end. It was funny, silly, sad and it was inspirational despite all of its tragedy and hardships. Even to this day on occasion I’ll pick up that little book and re-read it thankful for the ability to read such an amazing story.

The most influential woman in my life was someone I never expected. She wasn’t A historical figure, she wasn't rich or famous, she wasn’t even someone I was supposed to meet. She was a random teacher in a high school for a class I never took. She was an amazing woman who gave me a safe space when it felt like my world was falling apart. She did that for a lot of students. She created the poetry club, the LGBT community club, she had study hall in her class for lunch, and she had her hand and a lot of other extracurricular activities. she had a way of making you feel special despite all the personal issues she had. Can you imagine how hard it is to be a black woman working in a school owned by Turkish men, who traditionally wouldn’t let women have leadership roles? Yeah, she was awesome! She always inspired me to create, to learn, to expand my point of view, and to chase my dreams. Without her I wouldn’t have made it through high school. She made me wanna be a better person, she made me want to change the world. I aspire to be like this amazingly brave and kind woman. She really made me Believe that I can make a difference and I want my career to reflect that. The first degree I am pursuing is in environmental science and technology, with this degree I intend to take the first step in creating my own business. The end goal is to create a business that provides completely 100% natural eco-friendly Products for your modern every day life. I also intend to recycle materials that usually end up in the landfill or the ocean on a mass scale. Along the way I want to create spaces for women and other minorities of all shapes and sizes to feel free to Pursue a career in STEM, whether it is with my business or another. I also intend on dismantling any systems, businesses, and enterprises that do not follow rules and regulations to keep the environment safe and healthy. If there are not enough rules and regulations to keep our environment clean I intend to figure out how to create and enforce those rules. I know that money runs the world however there is no excuse to burn it down in the pursuit of wealth. As a kid I would always see on the news about how there is a hole in the ozone layer, the ice caps are melting, so on and so forth. I would read articles on the importance of recycling just to find a contradicting article about how the recycling industry only recycled 1% of plastics. I’ve also read articles about how in other countries they have hundreds of chemicals and foods and plastics that are illegal because of How toxic they are and how America just has a few despite knowing the adverse side effects. There were so many issues that weren’t being solved and all of the adults would say something along the lines of “well that’s just the way the world is. There’s nothing you can do about it”, but I don’t believe that. Life is full of so many possibilities. Everyone has a choice, a chance to make a change. I have decided that im not going to sit back and do nothing, not when I had such a great mentor who believes in me.

The most influential woman in my life was someone I never expected. She wasn’t A historical figure, she wasn't rich or famous, she wasn’t even someone I was supposed to meet. She was a random teacher in a high school for a class I never took. She was an amazing woman who gave me a safe space when it felt like my world was falling apart. She did that for a lot of students. She created the poetry club, the LGBT community club, she had study hall in her class for lunch, and she had her hand and a lot of other extracurricular activities. she had a way of making you feel special despite all the personal issues she had. Can you imagine how hard it is to be a black woman working in a school owned by Turkish men, who traditionally wouldn’t let women have leadership roles? Yeah, she was awesome! She always inspired me to create, to learn, to expand my point of view, and to chase my dreams. Without her I wouldn’t have made it through high school. She made me wanna be a better person, she made me want to change the world. I aspire to be like this amazingly brave and kind woman. She really made me Believe that I can make a difference and I want my career to reflect that. The first degree I am pursuing is in environmental science and technology, with this degree I intend to take the first step in creating my own business. The end goal is to create a business that provides completely 100% natural eco-friendly Products for your modern every day life. I also intend to recycle materials that usually end up in the landfill or the ocean on a mass scale. Along the way I want to create spaces for women and other minorities of all shapes and sizes to feel free to Pursue a career in STEM, whether it is with my business or another. Along the way I also intend on dismantling any systems, businesses, and enterprises that do not follow rules and regulations to keep the environment safe and healthy. If there are not enough rules and regulations to keep our environment clean I intend to figure out how to create And enforce those rules. I know that money runs the world however There is no excuse to burn it down in the pursuit of wealth.

Have you ever had a toddler with a strength of a bulldog try and scratch your face because they’re bored? It’s crazy how strong such a small body is especially when you are trying to pry them off your face without hurting them. Patience isn’t just important to me it’s A daily necessity. It’s a good thing I love kids because I have dozens of nieces and nephews. I’ve on multiple occasions lived with them as well. Let me tell you hell hath no fury like a child who can’t get what they want. As much as I complain about my sister’s crotch goblins I truly love them with all of my heart. Nothing is more magical than watching a child develop and grow into a person, watching their personalities unfold as they discover themselves in the world around them. Surprisingly enough those magical moments are found in the mundane moments like when my niece decided she wanted to learn how to wash dishes because I was washing them. Or when my nephews face lights up like Christmas every time he sees me. Or even when my one year-old niece who is nonverbal starts singing “ah ah ah ah”, and looks at me waiting for me to say “staying alive, staying alive”, to finish off the lyrics. Without patience I wouldn’t of had the ability to sit there and teach my niece how to do the dishes or tolerate when my nephew jumps on me with all of his weight to wrap his arms around my neck. Without patients I wouldn’t get to enjoy those small magical moments that are hidden in every day life.

I was the the definition of angst as a teenager. I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t think that anyone could ever comprehend what I was going through. To understand who I was as a person I had to constantly change Which led to some very humiliating moments. I have more embarrassing stories than I’d like to admit in the pursuit of self discovery. It took me a really long time to understand who I was as a person. Even now I know I don’t fully know my self but I can say that I’ve never let other peoples judgments sway what I know to be true. you can imagine how hard that was for a person like me who stands outside the norm. I lived in a family of strict republican Christians as a gay transgender kid who was dating a person of color. It was not easy especially after seeing how my parents reacted to my brother being gay. I never denied what I thought to be true to myself even if I changed my mind as I got older because in that moment I really believed in my convictions and values; I was willing to face The wrath of God and my parents for who and what I loved. As an adult, I no longer define myself as a transgender but as gender nonconforming. My parents developed right along side me making room despite how they might have felt. I believe staying true to yourself doesn’t mean deciding who you are and sticking to it but allowing yourself room to change and develop despite what the world might think or feel.

I have probably moved around more than the Number one guy on the FBI’s most wanted list. I have moved six times in the last three years and I am planning on moving again within the year. It’s outrageous, I know but ever sense I’ve moved out of my parents I’ve become a busy body, always on the go. One of my most treasured memories from all that moving was when I felt stuck in a real bad living situation I visited my hometown and my friends decided to go on vacation. As someone who grew up in Florida, most likely where the guy who said the earth was flat lived, I never really got to explore any other scenery. So you can imagine how impactful a log house in North Carolina on top of a mountain was for me. We were staying above the clouds, it was like a dream. The scenery was unimaginably gorgeous, we hiked every trail we came across, and drove to the top of three separate mountains. I nearly had a heart attack when we came across a black bear. It was crazy and beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. I took thousands of pictures and as beautiful as the setting was it was the least important part of this memory for me. The most important part is the people. I was at a time in my life where I felt extremely isolated and trapped and to be able to lean on these people for support and love was the most impactful thing in my entire life. it truly shaped how I view community. It showed me that it’s OK to ask for help, to lean on others for support. Being independent means you can do everything alone but you don’t have to.

I read somewhere if you practice being the person you wanna be, one day you’ll wake up and realize that’s exactly who you become. I didn’t understand at first what exactly that meant. In my head I thought it meant just be who you wanna be and of course that is easier said than done. If it was that easy then why doesn’t everybody just do that? It doesn’t mean if you sing Beyoncé songs every day you’ll wake up and look in the mirror and see Beyoncé staring back at you. As exciting as that would be, the world simply just doesn’t work that way. You will never just Be able to snap your fingers and change who you are. You can however practice to emulate the characteristics and habits you desire. Let’s say you want to be the kind of person who wakes up every morning and makes a smoothie for breakfast. It’s unrealistic to just Start making smoothies every morning if you’ve never made one before in your entire life. It is realistic however to decide if that’s the kind of person you want to be and start by making a smoothie today and possibly again sometime in the next week. There is no wrong way to practice doing some thing. It’s slowly building the habits and skills that you need. once you practice enough that idea becomes a skill, then a habit, and then a lifestyle. With her I become an influencer or not I truly advocate for the ability to fail and fail again, because practice doesn’t make perfect and makes improvement and everybody has the ability to improve.

Independence is like the first breath of air after drowning. When I was a kid I was extremely depressed and it affected many aspects of my life. I didn’t get a real sense of independence until after I graduated and turned eighteen. I didn’t have a car or even a bank account but i left the nest ready and willing to fall flat on my face. I knew even if I fell I’d get back up sprinting. Moving out was a big deal for me, I moved in with my older sister to help with her three year old and her newborn baby. I was fresh out of school and was working overtime on minimum wage. The situation was less than ideal but it was the most exciting and crazy thing I had ever done. Having money meant I could make my own decisions and get the things I really wanted. That, that is true independence. The ability to make your own decisions and be able to handle what consequences may come from them. I’ve made a lot of decisions since that day, things that have produced wonderful memories, And things that have simply produced hard lessons. Everyone around me growing up always told me to enjoy being a kid because I would miss it someday. There are things that I miss from my childhood but I wouldn’t give up my independence for anything, not even the blissful ignorance of Being a child.

Growing up I genuinely hated the way that my mind worked. I didn’t understand why I was so different or why all the other kids understood everything quicker than I did. I felt stupid and I had little confidence. It wasn’t until I started therapy at twenty years old that I found out I have ADHD and its my best attribute. ADHD comes with a lot of problems when you try to conform to a neuro typical society. You are viewed as hyperactive, unable to pay attention, messy, clumsy, so on and so forth. What people don’t realize is that a lot of these traits are symptoms of instincts that were carried over from hunter gatherer days and we’re highly desired back then. We as a society progressed faster than our Instincts. The upside to having ADHD is that my mind can see things and connect information faster than others. Have you ever had someone ask you if you think in words or pictures? If Someone were to tell you to think of an apple in your mind, do you see the Apple or do you think the word Apple? Typically your brain will with work one way or the other but because I have ADHD, I can not only hear the word apple but see it as if it were a real 3D object. This ability makes me more creative which makes me a better artist and writer. The superhuman ability to process information at the speed of light makes me an amazing multitasker and problem solver. Understanding what ADHD is and how it impacts me, Good and bad, gave back my confidence in my self and in my intelligence. Once I learned how to work with my brain instead of fighting , it was like I became superwoman.

Have you ever stepped in dog poop before? Like you can feel how warm it is as it squishes between your toes, type of stepped in it? It is one of the worst experience and strangely enough I’d rather do that a hundred times than to keep living in the situation I’m in. Dont get me wrong, I’m grateful for the experiences and the lessons this Journey has given me. The biggest lesson I have learned in the last year is that there is a difference between optimism and toxic positivity. I move in with some family in the pursuit of a higher education and to attempt to achieve some personal goals like setting up a small business and saving money. Little did I know a year later I wouldn’t have achieved a single thing and end up in a worse position physically, mentally, and financially. The people I moved in with welcome me with open arms. I was very optimistic about the arrangement we had. Unfortunately nothing went as planned. Despite all the obstacles I was very adamant about keeping a positive attitude. I was willing to bend over backwards to make the situation work. As each month past the situation got worse and I found myself further away from my goal than before. Instead of the freedom to pursue my education and to save money I ended up becoming a full-time in-home caregiver, maid, dog trainer, and babysitter. I had no time, no money, and no way out. It was only after I set aside the toxic “everything is fine”mindset, and picked up the “this is not ok but this is not where your future ends” mindset, did I learn what Optimism really is and I was able to set up better boundaries and start on my goals.

Nihilism is the new mind set of generation Z. It’s not that hard to understand why, growing up in a world where everything is falling apart around you: The world is burning because of climate change,There are people starving in our country and everywhere else in the world, kids are going to school just to get shot in their classroom, COVID-19 and everything it brought with it, and the war in Ukraine. The world is a mess and Gen z and the newer generations have a good reason to be pessimistic; however the surprising aspect of Gen Z is their passion. My generation and I have a deep burning passion and when push comes to shove we are willing to do just about anything for the things we believe in. When George Floyd was unjustly murdered by a police officer, my generation became widely aware of the flaws in our justice system. We might not have started the protests for George Floyd but we were a major percentage of the bodies in the crowd bringing awareness, despite the violence and the death toll that the police caused. If nothing matters why not die for something you believe in? I did a walk out protest in my high school for gun violence awareness. I have personally been disowned by parts of my family for bringing awareness of the deeply embedded racism within our family and with in the system American was built on. I have also used my social media platforms to spread awareness and to teach people how to say safe during the riots and Covid. My contributions may seem small in the grand scheme of things but if each person put in just a little effort we could really make a better world for everyone.

My dream life looks A lot like the American dream. Small plot of land to call my own, wife and kids and a White picket fence. It’s silly considering how advanced our society has become but it’s also sad, the reason why I desire it so much is because of how unobtainable it feels due to our economy. I want to live in an earth ship, a house entirely made out of recycled and natural materials. It’s the type of house that is self sustainable, it has its own water system and electrical system built in. You cut out the water bill and you cut out the electrical bill. The part that gets me the most excited is that there’s a greenhouse wrapped around it. I want to fully have control over my food from soil to seed and to the plate. I desire forty Plus acres of land far away enough from the city to see millions of stars in the sky but close enough that Town is only 30 minutes away. I want to see Deer and foxes and coyotes crossing my fields in the morning as the sun comes up. I want to live in a place where you can see and feel all four seasons. As for my career, I want to be my own boss, to create and paint whatever I desire and to make enough money go and do whatever I want. I want to make enough money to help the people I love and to feel confident in pursuing any dreams and desires my heart comes up with.

My current favorite scientific discovery is The remains of twenty five dinosaurs found in the same slab of rock in northeast china. The position that they were in shows that they all died at the same time possibly The result of a a huge rockslide. It’s speculated that the rockslide was caused by volcanic eruption.The positioning of the fossils show that they didn’t have a chance to escape The landslide. The reason why I love this discovery so much is because of how it shapes our understanding of family behaviors in dinosaurs. The dinosaurs were found in a nursery where the older dinosaur would look after the young while the other parent would go hunting. The peculiar thing about this group was that the older one was a sibling instead of a parent. Which means the older siblings still stuck around even after adolescence.

Have you ever put on a pair of jeans that fits perfectly, almost as if it was tailored just for you? It’s one of the best feelings in the world especially when it has deep pockets. That feeling of complete satisfaction is what I experience every time I pick up a paintbrush or a pen. Painting is my favorite hobby right now but I have a hobby list that is probably longer than Santas naughty list. I enjoy always having something to do, especially things that are fun. My hobbies are how grew up learning and interacting with the world around me. Writing is my therapy and Drawing is my outlet of self expression. Dancing is how I feel my soul connect with my body and music is my personal Time machine. Painting is the way I let go and get messy. When I was a teenager I painted a mural on my wall that was so beautiful that my parents Couldn’t get mad. In school I was known as the art kid. I was the kid who already knew everything in art class so they gave me different assignments to keep me from falling asleep. When a project called for a creative aspect I was the person who did it. Honestly art is probably the reason why I pass most of my classes. As a person with ADHD I always needed multiple things to focus on so doodling, even though it got me in trouble, is also the reason why I paid attention at all. I owe a lot to my hobbies. I’m a happier, well educated, self-sufficient person. I love doing what I do. I can’t imagine life without my hobbies. Im grateful for all the things they have taught me, I’m grateful for all the people who introduced me to my hobbies over the years. I’m so excited define new interests and hobbies to add to my arsenal of fun.

I am an in home care giver. It sounds all fancy but in reality all I do is take care of my elders. Recently I quit my job, spent all my savings, packed up my entire life and moved across the country. I did this to move in with my disabled grandparents. They need round the clock care and my mother needed help. The pay is very little in terms of money but the time I get to spend with them is priceless. The job of caregiver is so much bigger than an inexperienced person would understand. Burnout is a huge problem and resources are very little in terms of help for the elderly and disabled. My experience has only shown me how important it is to consider others especially especially the elderly. After my time with my grandparents I’d like to extend my help to other parts of the community such as nursing homes.

Your ability to create the reality that you desire is directly related to your ability to experience its opposite. Saving money will make you feel broke while it’s making you rich. Working out will make you feel weak while it’s making you stronger. Learning something new will have you feeling dumb when it’s making you more intelligent. You have to be willing to experience the opposite of your desire to obtain your actual desire. The catch is you have to be smart in the way you choose to experience the opposite of your desire. For example, you can feel broke while you’re saving money or you can feel broke while you’re not making any money. You will feel broke either way but one will give you the opportunity to achieve your goal, in this case having money. You have to be willing to experience the negative side of your decisions but your decisions still have to be in the pursuit of your goal. This idea can be applied in many different areas of your life; I However, I think that this rule applies very heavily with money. You can feel broke saving or investing your money but the payoff is more money later on.

As a kid I always thought that being an adult meant you could do big things. You would have a big job and big money, a big house and big family, big events and travel to big places. There's nothing wrong with doing any of those big things, but I realize that’s not what makes you an adult. That’s just the checkpoints on a list of goals. I realized the most adult thing that I can do is enjoy the little things. It’s to fall in love with the mundane. I love mornings that I wake up early enough to be able to stretch and roll around my bed before I have to get up. I love nights that greet you with a big round moon and bright beautiful stars. I love the way that my dogs get excited when I walk through the door.I love finding new favorite flavors of soda. I love finding a pen that writes just right. I love the hugs from my best friend that always feels like two missing pieces are slotting together. I love the way it feels when my partner runs her fingers through my hair. I love the way my mom always buys us trinkets.I love the way my dad listens to music most people have never heard of. I love how my coworkers make each other laugh. I know that’s a lot of little things to love but it’s the reason that all the big things matter. Falling in love with the small things in life gives everyday a little bit of magic. It gives you peace in ways you didn’t know you needed.

“I can’t help myself” by Sun Yuan and Peng Yu is one of my Favorite works of art. I have found that the art that speaks to me the most tiplicaly is the dirty, ugly, and unsightly art that is meant to comfort the disturbed. This piece is no different. The insulation consists of an industrial robotic arm, it’s only job is to try and clean the blood red liquid underneath it. Using large sweeping motions it ends up pushing the liquid around splatting it all of its enclosure never making any real progress. The reason why I love this piece of art is because people who are incapable of personifying inanimate objects never see the deeper meaning to this piece of work. However it just proves that As humans we empathize very deeply. That’s why most people can look at this robotic arm and feel the pain and frustration this object never had to begin with. I cried the first time I ever saw the video of this installation. I was at a time in my life where every day I was putting in a hundred and ten percent. I worked myself to complete exhaustion only to realize that all of my effort was in vain. I had to take a step back from myself and my situation and decide to do things differently by leaving them all together. I had to defy my one nature, I had to reprogram my mind to see beyond my circumstance or else I’d live the rest of my life like this; robot endlessly cleaning up a mess that was never mine to begin with.

The first time I tried to kill myself was at the age of ten. Let me tell you, Nothing is more embarrassing than a failed suicide attempt! Actually there is, having a witness too said suicidal attempt. I’ve become a master at swallowing my pride considering that I stopped counting after my third attempt and I am probably in the double digits by now. Thankfully I’m alive and well and no longer have any plans to die anytime soon. I have a lot of people to thank for helping in my recovery but the person I want to thank the most is my best friend. She was the first person to ever see me, to truly see who I was. In middle school and all throughout high I was extremely depressed. There were many factors that played into the why and how. Mostly it had to do with my home life and my health. The thing about depression that most people don’t understand, is that it will often look like other things to outsiders. Most people around me thought I was just: lazy, unmotivated, an emotional teenager, that I simply didn’t care, that I didn’t want to try, I was just attention seeking. I was told this so much that I believed them and to an extent it was true. these labels people were putting on me were the symptoms of a bigger underlying problem, I needed help. It’s crazy how deeply something like depression can impact your life. It is also concerning how early in life disorders like depression and anxiety can develop. My problems started so early that the issues I was having seemed more like personality traits to my parents and the other grownups in my life. It took a 30 minute conversation with another middle school kid to find out that my problems were bigger than motivation. It was shocking to find out that other kids my age actually went out and did stuff like you see in movies. I was never the kind of kid that went out to play, or go to parties, or the movies, or sleepovers. I was too tired and money was always scarce in my household. It wasn’t until I met my best friend that I started to realize how different I was, how different I lived. This realization led to the conversation about my problems. My friend was extremely open minded and never judged me on the things all the adults did. Due to her willingness to listen we were able to figure out what my issues were. She gave me the key that unlocked my future. She gave me the courage to take the first step in my recovery. She helped me research depression and how to overcome it. She introduced me to a new group of friends. She included me in all of her plans. We started a band together, We sang, danced, played and laughed in a way I hadn’t sense I was in pull-ups. She helped me make plans for my future even if nothing worked out the way we wanted, she gave me hope. Here I am now at the age of twenty one. I got here not because of my parents or my teachers but because of a random kid that sat next to me in English class.