Choosing favorites wasn’t tough for me as a child; I could tell you my favorite Jedi from Star Wars, or which Pixar film piqued my interest the most. However, I always struggled with declaring my favorite subject. It took me thirteen years to decide that it was math. Coincidentally, around the same time, I began to detest numbers. I grew fond of a subject full of something I loathed. I effortlessly solved algebraic equations, yet looking down at the scale or sharing grades with peers deepened my animosity for numbers.
Not only did my resentment for numbers emerge in the eighth grade, but so too did my yearning for academic validation. Before the eighth grade, I was an above-average A-honor-roll student, yet I lacked productivity. Eighth grade was the year my social environment flipped. I went from hanging with underachievers to finding myself at a lunch table of four girls, all known for being perfect students and versatile athletes. I viewed them like the cursed King Midas; similar to how everything he touched turned to gold, everything these girls did was unblemished. The closer I got to them, the more I adopted their habits. I started studying, something unprecedented for me. As my competence increased, my stress levels skyrocketed on an exponential curve.
The primary reason I hated numbers was that they held disparate values in my life. For instance, fifteen-year-old me was drowning in my course load and to-do list, which annoyingly threw numbers in my face–numbers that were inconsistent. Acing a quiz in APUSH made my day, but if my mile time was too high at practice, I went to bed frustrated. A lower number on the scale would put a smile on my face, but if a test score were lower than my classmates, I would spend hours dwelling in comparison. My involvement doubled as a junior, with an even more demanding schedule. Numbers holistically nauseated me. Thinking about track times, how much homework I had, and upcoming shifts at work, it was too much for me to handle alone. Eventually, I got the courage to connect with a therapist, while also getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Luckily, these diagnoses were the catalyst I needed to embrace the numbers around me.
With my newfound support system, I started using numbers as encouragement. Instead of a bad run enraging me, I now use it as fuel to work on my endurance. In my first year of cross country, I was the worst runner on the team. A year later, I qualified for the regional race and shaved ten minutes off my 5K time. I run at least three times a week and strive for healthy improvement. If I didn’t earn a perfect score on a test, I’d use those mistakes as tools to learn more about the subject. I’d use those missing thirteen points and ask my teacher to guide me through my errors, so I wouldn’t make them again. I learned that numbers exist in the real world, not to push you down, but to uplift you. I always clap at the finish line of a race, even if I didn’t set a new personal record, and I always express pride in the tenacity of my tennis teammates.
Capitalizing on numbers is what changed my mindset. Unlike fifteen-year-old me, who viewed life as an unsolvable algebraic equation, I now perceive my life as a function with various inputs and outputs. Whether my input is as a journalist who provides the public with vital information, as a psychologist who eases the burden of mental illness for young people, or as a teacher who ensures his students put forth their best effort, I know my output will equate to something of high value.