The impact of mental health was deep-seated in my life before I could conceptualize what the definition of “mental health” was. My mother was institutionalized for the first time when I was eight years old. At the time, she was undiagnosed with an undetermined illness that sent silencing reverberations throughout our household. No one knew what to call it, but everyone who knew us knew something “just wasn’t quite right.” Our house felt filled with pincushions and eggshells. Our house was shrouded in darkness, with shades drawn shut and muffled conversations. My mother’s first admittance to a psychiatric ward was only the beginning of a long and painstaking journey to reclaiming her life– and writing this fills me with memories of unanswered questions, fear, and significant empathy. As a child, I felt I was at the cusp of discovering an uncomfortable and isolating truth.
As time passed and my prefrontal cortex developed, I gained a deeper understanding of my mother’s lived experience. She suffered from what was later diagnosed as Bipolar II and worked tirelessly to confront what many of our family members had fought against and failed. By the time I was fifteen years old, my mother had rooted her commitment to wellness while three of our family members had successfully committed suicide. By the time I was nineteen years old, I had lived through an attempted suicide of my own and several substance abuse treatment facilities. The anger and confusion I once felt about my mother’s experience was now what I experienced when I looked in a mirror.
My journey with mental health was winding, tumultuous, and unrelenting. On October 11th of 2017– when I was twenty-two years old– I entered my final mental health and substance abuse facility. I had lived through homelessness, violence, and a slew of secrets I have rarely uttered to another living person. I have been sober ever since. I dedicated my early twenties to helping other women stand up to what they thought was too shameful to share out loud. In 2018, I began working for a women’s home designed to reintegrate women who had suffered with a variety of mental health diagnoses and substance abuse issues back into what I call “the life of the living.” I worked closely with women who were diagnosed with Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and drug addiction. The work was, and still is, more rewarding than I could ever articulate.
My experience with mental health has molded my perception of the world and relationships in irrecovable ways. The resilience of the human spirit, and the stunning capacity of love, platonic or otherwise, to me is so significant that I am unable to articulate what it means. Instilled with a belief there is still more to see around the corner - despite adversity - I am rarely afraid of where my next steps may fall. With that said, I feel a stark awareness that all that I love is temporary. I possess the ability to cherish and nurture that love, or conversely, neglect it. Grief, for me, has been a palpable, tense propeller propelling me forward in my life. For those I have lost to mental health challenges and addiction, I've promised to remain tenacious in my passions and presence of mind. What I have now, the present, is a gift. For that thought, I am eternally grateful.
I never thought graduate school – let alone college– would be an option for me. No one in my family has obtained an education past an associate’s degree. I’m now pursuing a master’s degree in Public Administration. I chose Public Administration after working with vulnerable communities and becoming increasingly aware of the barriers to resources for individuals who need help. Much of our healthcare system is often inaccessible to those who need it most. My clients were consistently running into “private pay only” and “sliding scale” rates of upwards of $150 per week, as well as myriad other mobility issues in rural Tennessee.
I now work for a local probation department as a Case Manager, working toward reducing recidivism for those impacted by opiate or stimulant addiction. Almost every single client I meet with identifies depression as a driving factor in their use. I plan to use my educational experience to work towards promoting policy and management that are more cohesive to support our neighbors who may be struggling behind closed doors, and dismantling the shame and stigma around mental illness in rural Appalachia.