At the start of my sophomore year, I got to become the lead broadcaster for the Vilonia EagleVision sports network. This was a huge opportunity for me, and I was ready to jump on it. I’ll admit, at first, I was pretty bad, but when I started to get the hang of it people began to take notice. The more we would broadcast, the more compliments and recognition I received. And it felt good. I love compliments. Unfortunately, these compliments became pretty unfulfilling after a while. It was the same people saying the same things, and while I still appreciated it, I needed something more. I decided more compliments and more impressive accomplishments were the answer. I picked up a peewee basketball team that needed a coach, I found new ideas for the broadcast, created new ways to get the EagleVision name out to people, I began to form a reputation for myself in the world of high school sports and gained contacts from some big names in the sports world. And boy did I feel good again. I prayed multiple times while all this was going on to show God how well I was doing. I also gave him names of people I thought needed help. I was killing it. After a while though, I noticed that I was craving more recognition and success. Thus began a long cycle of feeling good, getting used to the compliments and recognition, becoming less satisfied, working harder, and repeating. All the while I maintained my prayer of ‘look how well I am doing God, go help someone else that needs it. Sure I mess up now and then, but who doesn’t? Again and again, I went through this cycle, and every time I did I felt less happy than the time before. Since I was no longer getting the fulfillment that I initially felt from the broadcast, I decided to turn to another source of happiness. Girls became my main focus. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I made it my mission to gain as much attention from girls as possible. With all the time and effort I was spending on the broadcast and my vanity, I was losing time to do things like schoolwork, which caused me to fall behind, and as I fell behind in school I began to feel more stressed and anxious. All this stress and anxiety kept me from sleeping; and when I was able to sleep, I would still feel exhausted throughout the day. It also made me lose my appetite, which led to me losing even more energy. I still would pray from time to time, but my prayers stayed the same. ‘Look how bad these people are compared to me, God. At least I’m doing something. At least I’m productive. At least I work at what I do. Help them instead of me. They need you more. The more stressed and anxious and tired I got, the more depression would set in. Over time this depression got stronger, my mind became weak, and my thoughts began to include suicide. The first time I got this thought, it scared me. But I pushed it to the back of my mind and moved on. The next day, I ignored the thought, but over time it kept coming back. Each time the thoughts resurfaced, they were harder to deal with than the time before. My outlook on life became very dark. My mind felt chaotic and I was losing hope. I got angry with God for putting me in this situation, and that of course didn’t help. It took weeks of battling with the darkness, but eventually, I hit rock bottom. I was more distant from God than I had ever been before, and I didn’t want that to change. I was done. I remember sitting in my bed one night, after I had just made the decision that it was time for me to commit suicide, and a thought was placed in my head that just said, “Get help.” So I listened. I went to Snapchat and started scrolling through the names until I saw someone that I hadn’t talked to since middle school. I talked to this person and they told me something that I will never forget. They told me to pray. To a god that I hated. To a god that I blamed my state of mind on. To a god that I felt had abandoned me. Needless to say, I was livid. Fortunately, I reluctantly agreed. I put my phone down, sat up in bed, looked up towards the sky, and said “God, it’s now or never. I’m done. If you don’t step in now, I won’t live past the end of the week. You have left me already, so here’s your chance to step back in. At that moment, I heard a voice that said, “Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you.” I immediately felt conviction for how I had been acting, and for the pride that I had. I broke down and confessed to everything that was wrong with my life. I rededicated myself to Christ, and through him, I was freed from my depression and anxiety. This experience is the anchor of my faith, and whenever I feel doubt trying to creep in, I reflect on what happened that night when the Holy Spirit came into my room and my life again. Since then I have been more careful with how I represent Christ in my life, and how I take care of my mental and physical health. I have also become more open to following my calling to ministry.