A healthy lifestyle comes in many forms across cultures and ages. Some people think of physical health as jogging, gym training, or taking a high intensity class. Others may maintain fitness through skateboarding or dancing in public squares. For mental health, the stigma that surrounds it across cultures can often dampen the importance it holds in people's daily lives. While this often results in mental health providers sparse or unaffordable, there are still practiced routines whether it's yoga, Tai-Chi, confiding with friends, or taking spa days that help improve the quality of their lives. Focusing on one’s well-being and autonomy can strengthen their methods of coping and recovering from high stress environments. Developing a healthy lifestyle allows you to build resilience even in the toughest of environments.   When Shanghai began its lockdown in the early spring of this year, there were a terrible number of daily hardships encountered for nearly 70 days straight. The occasional negative emotions became more acute, and then chronic, when the feeling of each new day was experiencing the different ways routines and self-indulgences can be taken away from you. Food deliveries where sporadic and you often had to wait up till midnight in order to make an order before they were sold out. During those times multiple neighborhood and support groups were formed, and virtual psychotherapy appointments grew in demand as people's anxiety and depressions felt out of their control. There was a citywide sense of bereavement from losing what had been taken for granted: exercising through sports or dancing outside, access to healthcare, being able to taste your favorite foods, meeting up to socialize with friends, salon and spa services, etc., anything that meant not remaining indoors for 24 hours a day everyday, for every week, for months.   At the time, either through irony or cosmic opportunity, I happened to be taking part in a course on psychological responses to disasters which analyzed how infrastructural failure can cause mental health disasters. The course goes into how there are multiple stages, and after the impact of a disaster comes the heroic phase of trying to maintain positivity right before the disillusionment phase of having a less optimistic perspective on the situation as the duration of the disaster continues, and so do all the domino effects that come with it.   In this situation, it was indeed important to continue living a healthy lifestyle, to not fall into negative behaviors and self-destructive habits that would only further the cognitive symptoms which causes a person to spiral into dismay. It was very important to establish evening routines so that you may condition yourself to sleep through the night, and morning wellness routines which bring forth attention and a sense of control over your body, surroundings, and life. By maintaining physically and mentally healthy lifestyles, we prepare ourselves for the worst by finding the best version of ourselves. The experience was daunting, but the changes I made towards my wellness has broadened my health journey significantly.  

Clinical depression paired with substance abuse disorder have both been pathologies which have hung like darkened clouds over the heads half of my family. It impairs your level of concentration and retaining serotonin while steadily chipping away at a crumbling self-esteem. It's an acutely different experience however, when you add queer identity into the mix. For most of my formative and young adulthood years, I see people functioning just fine in their life stage and relationships, knowing who they are and how it fits in line, step-by-step, with what society expects of them. And it leaves you to wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”, until the inner monologue gets more and more excessively negative. It was only after being educated in multiple human development and abnormal psychology college classrooms did I experience it; like an explosion of fireworks in bright and colorful clarity at discovering both the who and the why of my identity. That I wasn't alone, but a part of a community-- A well research community, at that! One that could deeply explain why it took me so long to face who I was, and what it meant from here on. But these revelations are often swiftly followed by the sad introspection of all you missed out in life. Intentional legacies of ignorance had plagued your home and childhood, fueled your depression, infected you with anxiety, and held you in place while you witnessed others take measured and confident strides forward with ease. Taking my first human sexuality course helped me see how freedom in forming an identity could have afforded me an early understanding of myself. I could have explored lessons of acceptance in the years of trying to cut off pieces of my self to conform to the restrictive boundary walls that went unnoticed by most of my classmates. This repetitive history of suppression and feeling ostracized can have multiple negative effects on a young person’s social group, on their cognitive development, and even impacting the future of their physical health from the sheer chronic stress of it all. Therefore, my goal has been to pursue a doctorate in psychology after finishing my undergrad, and take part in programs that give back to communities who have for far too long felt that their options and futures were being taken from them. After pursuing my studies and career in studying at risk behavior and working under prevention units, I do plan to become a school psychologist That focuses on creating safer school environments for queer youths and less stress impacting their development and academic achievements. It's important to me to help out minorities of race and sexuality by putting forth research that would enact policies in national change. We need to start prioritizing the health of our youths; not exposing them to the same risk factors and psychopathologies we've been exposed to. We need to begin prioritizing education of human sexuality in grade schools, and cease ignorance and privilege being the dominating sources of discussions on identity and sexuality. We must allow people to grow, instead of adding delays to finding themselves at later stages in development. This results in a life where looking back, people will see everything they missed, and the anxiety and depression they developed, all from an environment that should’ve been so avoidable.

When I was a kid I asked my brother a hypothetical about animal extinction when I found out about overfishing. “But what happens if there’s no more fish? – If there’s no more fish, and we’ve killed them all?” He simply said, “Then we’d stop eating fish.” Although it’s been a good 10 years or so, the unfamiliarity of that kind of apathy just stuck with me as something that was nonsensical. There’s enough room and love in this world to take care of the inhabitants within it, and that’s what I’ve tried to teach in my animal rescuing and experiences gained in multiple volunteer projects around the world. I think that the initial and biggest hurdle in animal advocacy work is just overcoming ignorance. Examples of areas of education can be when human and animal interactions can be harmful, when an animal is crying for help or is not in a safe environment, orthe importance of ear-tipping the Shanghai strays in your TNR projects. It’s also in sharing awareness of how animal abuse is normalized, like learning the negative impacts of elephant riding franchises after taking care of Chiang Mai’s multiple scarred, blind, and traumatized retirees from that industry. Even for myself, as I gain more and more experience, I realize how damaging my own ignorance can be and improve my techniques and work ethic. Every project in animal welfare is one that requires patience, coordination, and group cooperation with fellow volunteers, support teams, and local veterinary offices. I admire physical work done in areas like The Big Cat Sanctuary, and providing as much rich interactions with their environments like in Kevin Richardson’s enclosures. But I equally admire researchers who wish to give entertaining animal awareness series like the YouTuber “Casual Geographic”, who draw people further and further into seeing creatures as our living, breathing co-inhabitors, and not as grayed out mysteries people would forget some mourn if gone. Personally, I appreciate how my work with animals actually gives to revelations about myself: my strengths, my weaknesses, and just how capable I can be. Whether it’s giving daily baths to kittens with fungal diseases, or rolling up sticky rice with fruit and grains so that a toothless elephant can enjoy her lunch in the sun, there’s especially lessons to be learned in the rewards of perseverance, and it can be applied towards not only advocacy projects, but honestly, in all aspects and challenges in my life. In addition to gleaming off lessons for your personal growth, there’s much you can learn from the animals themselves and the multiple personalities and attributes they bring into your life or home. Animal, plants and marine biodiversity help humanity in the long run, such as maintaining cultural history of the land through animals like the American buffalo, and cutting down pollution to improve upon our land’s agriculture and wealth. It should never be as simple as shrugging off extinctions that were wholly avoidable, especially since we are still learning about how intelligent these creatures are, such as the cognitive development and recognition by elephants, the dreams of octopi, and the utilization of tools by corvids.

A healthy lifestyle comes in many forms across cultures and ages. Some people think of physical health as jogging, gym training, or taking a high intensity class. Others may maintain fitness through skateboarding or dancing in public squares. For mental health, the stigma that surrounds it across cultures can often dampen the importance it holds in people's daily lives. While this often results in mental health providers sparse or unaffordable, there are still practiced routines whether it's yoga, Tai-Chi, confiding with friends, or taking spa days that help improve the quality of their lives. Focusing on one’s well-being and autonomy can strengthen their methods of coping and recovering from high stress environments. Developing a healthy lifestyle allows you to build resilience even in the toughest of environments. When Shanghai began its lockdown in the early spring of this year, there were a terrible number of daily hardships encountered for nearly 70 days straight. The occasional negative emotions became more acute, and then chronic, when the feeling of each new day was experiencing the different ways routines and self-indulgences can be taken away from you. Food deliveries where sporadic and you often had to wait up till midnight in order to make an order before they were sold out. During those times multiple neighborhood and support groups were formed, and virtual psychotherapy appointments grew in demand as people's anxiety and depressions felt out of their control. There was a citywide sense of bereavement from losing what had been taken for granted: exercising through sports or dancing outside, access to healthcare, being able to taste your favorite foods, meeting up to socialize with friends, salon and spa services, etc., anything that meant not remaining indoors for 24 hours a day everyday, for every week, for months. At the time, either through irony or cosmic opportunity, I happened to be taking part in a course on psychological responses to disasters which analyzed how infrastructural failure can cause mental health disasters. The course goes into how there are multiple stages, and after the impact of a disaster comes the heroic phase of trying to maintain positivity right before the disillusionment phase of having a less optimistic perspective on the situation as the duration of the disaster continues, and so do all the domino effects that come with it. In this situation, it was indeed important for me to continue living a healthy lifestyle; to not fall into negative behaviors and self-destructive habits that worsen the symptoms which cause people to spiral into dismay. It was very important to establish evening routines so that I could condition myself to sleep through the night during an acutely stressful time. My morning wellness exercises were lined with activities that bring forth attention and focus in mediation, and a sense of control over your body, surroundings, and life in scheduled hobbies and self-care routines. By maintaining physically and mentally healthy lifestyles, we prepare ourselves for the worst by finding the best version of ourselves.

Clinical depression paired with substance abuse disorder has been a mood disorder that has hung like a darkened cloud over half of my family. It impairs your level of concentration and retaining serotonin as it steadily chips away at a crumbling self-esteem. For most of your formative and young adulthood years you see people functioning just fine and wonder, “What's wrong with you?”, until your inner monologue gets excessively negative. You understand that there are certain tasks or activities that would better improve your mental health performance, but by God, are your symptoms exacerbated when diagnosed with a painful chronic physical disability. Experiencing all of this while under the Shanghai 2022 Lockdown was probably the most challenging time I've ever had in my life. You could actually witness the psychological responses to the disaster that was unfolding the positive psychology harder to retain after the first, second, and third of citywide lockdown. The experience, however, also brought together a case of unity and the formation of groups with purposes of volunteering during a highly stressful time. There were neighborhood WeChat groups in Mandarin and expat volunteer groups in English that were essential in providing aid across the Shanghai community. My neighbors are all Chinese in this compound on the outskirts of Shanghai, and my mom and I are the sole foreigners living here. It's because we had information coming in from people who lived towards the center and far east side of the city that we understood of rolling out of lockdowns would reach us soon. It allowed us to begin stock buying both food and water and cat supplies and toiletries; this came in handy on April 8th, only the third day into the lockdown. “大家好。我是36栋了家里没有 面条 大米 青菜了。。。” “Hello everyone. I am Building No. 36, and my home doesn't have noodles, rice, or vegetables...” Some of our neighbors were not as informed about the length of the lockdown, and reached out on the neighborhood’s group chat. It was House 36号, and we were 35号; it was an easy enough task providing everything from noodles, pasta, potatoes, greens, sauces, a few fruits and eggs, and even a brownie dessert I had baked the morning before. But dropping off the care package at his door was just the beginning. I was immensely nervous in doing anything that would make me stand out. The negative emotions boiling under the lockdown’s tight lid over the city created massive demonstrations of hot anger. Being a foreigner meant that regardless of how the omicron variant arrived in Shanghai, many people saw us to blame. I gathered what courage and Mandarin I could, and created a bridge of resources between the all-Mandarin and all-English groups I participated in. I frequently scouted and purchased reliable and well-reviewed goods and sellers, and forwarded all contacts them. Additionally, I began building up the number of personal contacts to know of their needs and secretly drop off supplies during the night or rain, to avoid repercussions from lockdown officials. It was stressful work, but it wasn’t thankless. My neighborhood’s committee even gifted me a wheelchair after my physical condition under lockdown began worsening. And in a timing that couldn't be worse, my cat Courage decided to escape from an open window. I made a plea in the neighborhood chat and was helped in various ways. I had my beloved boy back within just 12 hours.

Many psychopathologies have been recognized by the psychiatric community to have genetic roots and are potentially passed down family trees. That means that I had a lot of motives as a child to learn more about what were the root causes of the maladaptive behaviors around me; from the violent reactions of my father or the incomprehensible mood swings of mania and depression from my mother. The desire to be able to instinctually read human behaviors began as a means to adjust my own words and actions to accommodate. But now I've grown to see that outside of self-preservation, it can also be a professional skillset used to preserve the selves of others. In a less demanding and stressful environment, this does mean that I've been able to help many people, co-workers, friends, and even bosses, sort out when they're met with something challenging in life and give advice on how to proceed further. For family, it runs a bit deeper into the psychiatric aspect, requiring what I've learned from experience and academic research in multiple human development and abnormal psychology courses. I'm currently in a place where I can see the experience from the patient's eyes on my left, but also the behind-the-curtain vision of a psychiatrist’s chart on my right. I can sympathize with patients feeling like they're not heard; some aren’t experiencing improved mental wellness after long years of trying to find the right professional and pharmacological treatments successful in treating their symptoms. On the other hand, I understand the importance of writing down symptoms in the moment, and taking those notes directly to every session; those notes documenting your case are more valuable in psychiatry than anything you abstractly speak on in a session. That's why I was able to work with my non-binary sibling every day, for a month straight, to have them detail chronicles of their mental journey, the frequency of the mood swings and sensory sensitivities, the risk factors in their environment that were the catalysts, and instructing them on giving descriptive details of symptoms, even if through metaphors and similes. Come to find out, my sibling was not communicating their schizotypal symptoms to their therapist, which had been holding them back for 5 months from getting correctly diagnosed and receiving the correct type of psychiatric treatment. Sometimes I try to help family who are native to other lands, and have a job that requires them to travel away from their homes and families for half the year. For the past two weeks, I've been working with him in finding ways to resolve his trauma by collecting resources of Western teletherapy and on/offline support groups in his local province. Sometimes that means even getting acquainted with his country's law restricting his medical freedoms, and finding unique ways of working around them. As the years go by, I grow more confident with the path I’ve chosen in pursuing a doctorate in psychology; and I believe it's especially needed knowing how many mental health professionals are leaving the field every year. My goals are to become a behavioral analyst that can be helpful in prevention units and social work. In my experience, there are so many blockades to goals between point A to point B that can demotivate a person so fast until they’ve lost the will to reach the finish line. My work ethic in university and extra-curricular volunteer and academic research is fueled by the chance I know I can give people who just need that leg up. Who, when given a firm arm to lean on, can finally cross that finish line.

I chose to complete my bachelor’s and pursue a doctorate in forensic psychology because I discovered at an early age how many people in my family had gone to jail or were ostracized due to crimes they had committed. Instead of responding with fear, children see the world through a series of questions beginning with “why”: “Why did he steal?” “Why were they caught?” “Why did they do it again?” “Why didn’t they do something else?" "Why crime? Why didn’t they ask for help?” It was the lack of answers around me from the last series of questions that led me on the path I’m on now. In forensic psychology, you can be a part of research groups that give evidence to policies which could help revert American society’s current model, punishments and recidivism, over to its original model of rehabilitation and reintegration. As a behavioral analyst, I could work under prevention units that provide resources and support structures to at-risk demographics; at-risk demographics such as people were like my family members. My pursuit in learning the psychology behind crime is met with more internal challenges than external ones. Forensic psychology is not a career path for the faint of heart, and there’s regular exposure to disturbing case studies in order to make contributions to the field. Additionally, while I tend to have a balanced amount of people identifying as women or men in my psychology and human development courses, I noticed the shift to male-dominated classrooms in my history of law and criminal justice ones. It was my first glance into the gender ratio demography of my field. There would be a potential cultural shift and innate desire to group together that I’ll have to resist in order to become acclimated. Furthermore, despite its niche place in the work sphere, standing out is still essential in snatching up much sought-after research internships at local universities, or my preference, being qualified and chosen for the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. This has made finding ways to organize my time, between life and adding research experience to my academic CV, my prime objective in this last year of my bachelor’s degree. Despite these obstacles, I’m not anxious or worried; it’s why I chose this path. I meet every obstacle face-to-face, at the center of the ring, as a challenge. Not only have I already begun applying to my university’s course option of completing an independent study on a forensic psychology topic; I’ve also prepared my mental resilience through taking online extracurricular courses on forensic psychology and historically violent cases via Open University. My mind’s wellness is strengthened by being knowledgeable of the plethora of accessible resources such as psychotherapy sessions, chaplains, mentorship programs, and tutors that are all available to me. Through research, organization, and work ethic, I have acquired everything I need to rise to where I want to be. Now, it’s only a matter of persistence and time.

My dream is to compile research in my field of forensic psychology and introduce modern school policies that would encourage after school mental health & wellness. The goal would be to improve access to school psychologists and psychotherapy sessions in order to address disruptive class behavior, abusive home environments, and prevent future gun tragedies.

A healthy lifestyle comes in many forms across cultures and ages. Some people think of physical health as jogging, gym training, or taking a high intensity class. Others may maintain fitness through skateboarding or dancing in public squares. For mental health, the stigma that surrounds it across cultures can often dampen the importance it holds in people's daily lives. While this often results in mental health providers sparse or unaffordable, there are still practiced routines whether it's yoga, Tai-Chi, confiding with friends, or taking spa days that help improve the quality of their lives. Focusing on one’s well-being and autonomy can strengthen their methods of coping and recovering from high stress environments. Developing a healthy lifestyle allows you to build resilience even in the toughest of environments. When Shanghai began its lockdown in the early spring of this year, there were a terrible number of daily hardships encountered for nearly 70 days straight. The occasional negative emotions became more acute, and then chronic, when the feeling of each new day was experiencing the different ways routines and self-indulgences can be taken away from you. Food deliveries where sporadic and you often had to wait up till midnight in order to make an order before they were sold out. During those times multiple neighborhood and support groups were formed, and virtual psychotherapy appointments grew in demand as people's anxiety and depressions felt out of their control. There was a citywide sense of bereavement from losing what had been taken for granted: exercising through sports or dancing outside, access to healthcare, being able to taste your favorite foods, meeting up to socialize with friends, salon and spa services, etc., anything that meant not remaining indoors for 24 hours a day everyday, for every week, for months. At the time, either through irony or cosmic opportunity, I happened to be taking part in a course on psychological responses to disasters which analyzed how infrastructural failure can cause mental health disasters. The course goes into how there are multiple stages, and after the impact of a disaster comes the heroic phase of trying to maintain positivity right before the disillusionment phase of having a less optimistic perspective on the situation as the duration of the disaster continues, and so do all the domino effects that come with it. In this situation, it was indeed important to continue living a healthy lifestyle, to not fall into negative behaviors and self-destructive habits that would only further the cognitive symptoms that which cause dismay. It was very important to establish evening routines so that you may condition yourself to sleep through the night, and morning wellness routines which bring forth attention and a sense of control over your body, surroundings, and life. By maintaining physically and mentally healthy lifestyles, we prepare ourselves for the worst by finding the best version of ourselves.

As soon as I discovered that my passion would require me to achieve a doctorate, I was flooded with memories of the lamentations med students had shared. There was a daunting amount of stress felt in graduate school; not from just the course load, but doing it all while under the shadow of their massive student loan debt. It wasn't good enough to be devoting eight incredibly demanding years to the potentiality of reaching a profession; the presence of their student debt would loom over each accomplishment and milestone.  Studies have pointed to how med students and residents have a higher percentage of experiencing depression and anxiety than students of the same age demographic. It's important to me to accomplish my long-term goals and education without developing long-term effects on my mental health. Becoming a behavioral analyst and researcher was a career option introduced in my high school years, and I've since worked towards earning my forensic psychology degree. I not only want to study criminal minds, but also study contributing factors to criminal behaviors. By doing so I hope to contribute to or establish concrete rehabilitation programs and preventative measures for assessing at-risk individuals. Through these interventions, I hope to assist people in discovering a healthier, stable living and decrease the chances of recidivism. The Focus Forward Scholarship will help to remove the financial barriers that lie between me and my goals. I'm an adult learner, so I'm familiar with life's curveballs and not only the effort it takes to continue the trek forward, but also the toll of being slowed down. With the scholarship, I hope to put reallocate my focus from the anxieties of financial burdens to centering my attention on achieving my aspirations in psychotherapy and administering aid to those in need.

I had never planned on taking almost ten years to complete a bachelor’s degree, but after 12 moves across cities, states, and continents since age 18, I surmise that being a traditional learner wasn’t ever truly in the cards. Ironically, the gaps in my education were filled with pursuing what type of impact I truly wanted to make in this life, and certainly added value to my final year at university. At 18, it took some time to identify what I had wanted to become. A sports athlete? A veterinarian? My mother wanted me to be a lawyer because I was so argumentative. My father and brother wanted me to be tech-savvy because that’s where the money was. I began to look towards what hobbies I had. Should I become an author because I love to write? Should I be an educator, since the entirety of my career centered around working with children? However, I felt both career options paid too little for my passion alone to be enough to sustain me. Years of the Black Lives Matter movement forcing the nation to have more discussions on police brutality, racial profiling, hate crimes, and civil rights, had influenced my adult experience. It was during this time I had begun discovering what was my calling. I often read books like “Building a Black Criminology” while reading what online opposing arguments against civil rights movements were prone to criticize. Usually, it would amount to people saying “What about black-on-black crime?”; as if unwarranted violence in one situation justified more unwarranted violence. There would be arguments about whether or not America has the resources to solve racial discrimination; as if there hadn’t been decades to sufficiently fund a project such as this. There would be frequent searches into any past records to justify their rapid condemnation, and it was especially damning if there was evidence of recidivism, despite what evidence critical criminology has to offer for why these past records may exist. Constantly hearing these parroted arguments after each new tragedy leading to social unrest is what motivated my diving into psychopathology and criminology. My goals are to discover what therapeutic methods, outreach programs, and political reforms are necessary for intervention, prevention, and rehabilitation. These aspirations lay my foundation for a future of countering society’s tendency to justify the violence people face by their history or circumstance. Being granted these funds would support my senior year of undergraduate studies and the application process for graduate programs in forensic psychology. I’ll be able to understand psychological, biological, and environmental risk factors that often hurt a community’s chances of being understood. It’s a sad fact of life, but being misunderstood dramatically lowers the chance of survival when in the face of adversity or danger, and lowers the empathy and justice afforded to communities when facing tragedy.

Being independent is something I yearn for as a teenager, like many others. Unfortunately, my reasons behind it weren't as imaginative or wishful as you would imagine. They derived from being under an abusive household that routinely had utilities shut off. Living there was living through times when I would stay as late as possible at school for "studying", or wake up as early as possible to leave for school. Achieving A-grades in my academics wasn't a means of securing parental gifts or higher allowances, but was an expectation that resulted in damnation if not met, and another safe night if it was. In my late teen years, when I finally left that home, gaining independence for me wasn't just gaining an arbitrary idea of freedom; it was obtaining household stability and a peace of mind for the first time in years. I was finally able to do things at my own pace, without fear of consequence. I could laugh out loud without being reprimanded. I could learn how to suffer a B-grade on a test paper and still pat myself on the back. Nothing exemplified the benefits of independence more than when I arrived home to greeting smiles or went to bed at night knowing I no longer had to listen for footsteps.

A major characteristic I've always loved about myself is that I never really "grew out of" a child-like belief that I could accomplish anything I wanted, just by setting my mind to it. I've experienced different tragedies, different disabilities, and many stressful encounters with doubts and harsh attitudes towards myself. But the ongoing belief that I could overcome anything - that it was never too late to be anything I pictured my thoughts - has always been my strongest tool in overcoming every adversity. It often acted as a singular candle in the dark that just refused to ever be extinguished. It would flicker on occasion, especially at the daunting sight of failure and the anxiety it generates. However, it would only flicker, and nothing more. This belief, when small, had always been what led me out of dark places; and when large, it was enough of a bonfire to warm my optimism in the worst of weather. When you feel like you can handle anything, it can sometimes backfire in your mind trying to now handle everything, and saddle you with unrealistic goals. This is especially the case when I feel like I haven't accomplished pushing myself to my fullest capabilities when completing any task. Luckily, trait being my constant also means it fuels each attempt at treating myself with better kindness and understanding. ​ ​This part of myself is a driving force towards my goals in both university and in self-improvement, because it acts as a reminder of something my elementary self never gave up on. After all, how would you feel if a voice never stopped telling you that the sky is your only limit?

It's been a difficult journey thus far, but I would like to impact the world by making it a kinder place. ​There's been increasing movements in apathy, either towards each other, towards the environment and animals, or towards hopes and aspirations. Therefore, when it rains, I've offered a homeless man and his dog my umbrella. When I see hungry animals, I try to take them in and find them forever homes. When the people around me need help, I try to do the research necessary to get them back on their feet. These actions were motivated by the kindness from loved ones who have since passed, and they act as testiments to their memory. I discovered that the relationships I mourned had died weren't something familiar to everyone amongst the living. It was a sad realization that, while I was bereft of mine, some people had never even experienced that degree of love to begin with. Receiving love and kindness wasn't a given, but often a privilege I had been blessed to be in abundance. ​ ​Since then, I've become more keenly aware of the maladaptive symptoms burnout proliferates. Hardships under international COVID lockdowns, pandemic deaths, border closings, and tanking economies that only affect the proletariat, led me to find just how many people had actually been lonely and suffering long before 2020. Yet, the movements towards societal apathy doesn't stop. It continues, thus the bullying, government brutality, pollution, and human rights violations still continue. That's why, in these times especially, it's important to remember that kindheartedness also perseveres. By showing empathy in abundance of hate, to offer the warmth of stability amidst frigid chaos, I hope my impact on the world will be similar to a door that's always open when every other is closed.

When envisioning my dream life, I see it as something that's vastly changed since I was given the same assignment in 6th grade. In writing all my hopes and dreams of a perfect day in the future, I had actually overlooked when I was supposed to sleep. At least that part, for me, hasn't changed; I still feel the passion of advancing in my field until I'm studying late into the night. However, in the present day, my aspirations are centered in being extremely knowledgeable of psychological development, with a minor in forensic studies. My dreams of the future are fastened to the belief that I can learn to ascertain and individualize psychological aid people require, and by doing so, help them avoid lifestyles and behaviors that are prolific in criminal lives. The future is full of both possibilities and opportunities; in using mine, I hope to decrease environmental factors that cultivate or contribute to psychopathologies and criminal behaviors. My ideal work would be playing a part in outreach projects which have these goals in mind, but also helping to develop strategies towards emergency interventions. I know that not everyone can be reached before risk factors or disorders affect their lives, so I endeavor to learn from people who have already committed crime. By doing so, it's not only easier to improve prevention strategies, but also rehabilitation efforts for those people who don't see a way out of this lifestyle. In conclusion, my dream revolves around giving people a second chance. To accomplish this, I would need to deconstruct how people came to not have other options available to them. After finishing my undergraduate and graduate school, I should be able to put my resources and academic knowledge where my mouth is in order to make these dreams a reality.

It's been difficult growing up in an environment that judges your likelihood of involvement in criminal activity by a singular demographic. Sometimes it was your age, sometimes it was your socioeconomic background, sometimes I saw it was gender, and more often than not, it involved race. A lot of these speculations tended to be more based in societal views than actually based in literature reviews of studies done across time, for all demographics. My hopes in pursuing forensic psychology is to be a part of prevention programs within the FBI, and then more locally in outreach organizations with the job of proactively identifying at-risk youths. I'd like to provide the resources and strengthening qualities to neighborhoods that feel they're struggling, and offer a means of pursuing the avenues they desire. I had a co-worker who told me of their life story growing up in Brooklyn, and how she would see brother after brother in her family be killed in a continuous string of gang violence that kept drafting her siblings. One day, during middle school, she was cornered by half a dozen girls in the bathroom, but they weren't there to support her in a time of grief. They had been instructed by senior members to threaten her into either having a carved up face from their knives, or forcibly accept her new role after her last sibling's death, and be the next recruit. It was horrific to say the least, but amazing to know that a member of a Harlem-based outreach program reached out to her and her family, and could help move them away from that environment and deadly situation. She could now have freedom and choices in life that were her own; at the time of meeting her, she had already outlived all of her late older brothers. I wanted to be like that, an open hand held out to anyone who felt backed into a corner with no way out. It inspired me to pursue forensic psychology so that I can BE that way out; not just to young girls like my co-worker had been, but also to boys like her brothers who weren't able to survive. In order to accomplish this, I'm finishing my bachelor's this year, and pursuing a doctorate degree next year. I hope to learn about all that possibly influences the criminal mind, and identify ways of eliminating these risk factors. I think there are so many reasons for why people may feel like every door is bolted shut and their walls are closing in. With my understanding of motivations behind maladaptiveness, the development of socially debilitating psychopathologies, and modern rehabilitation efforts, I can help individuals and communities learn they're not alone. They all deserve the belief that help is right around the corner.

Despite the misinformation and persistent disruptions of my academic pursuits since 2013, I’m here today, a student of American Public University, with a 3.5 GPA in my last year of majoring in Psychology. By the end of 2022, I will finally hold the same bachelor’s attained by my peers almost seven years before my own. I initially graduated high school at an IB boarding school in Asia. From there, a chaotic transition into my adulthood stemmed from what I had learned from family clashing with what I was experiencing at the time. My parents took their high school degrees from the 70s and just entered the work industry, both were able to make a sustainable living. My older brother of ten years argued how a degree could vault a person further and faster up the corporate chain; but he said all of this as a manager who chose to gain work experience before attending a university. From my own personal journey, I learned that the countless doors being shut in my face were all due to the past just no longer applying in times of the present. My gap year after high school came and went, with absolutely zero luck in gaining work experience or scholarships. I bit the bullet and began attending American Public University online, and after two years I successfully knocked out my general requirements with a 3.2 GPA. I was performing well enough that I wanted to find a university with the most popular forensic psychology program in the country. Upon my acceptance, I made an international move to John Jay Criminal Justice College in New York; a state I had never been to, with neither family nor friends to support me, no planned residence for arrival, no job lined up, and just the hope that it would all turn out all right. That’s unfortunately when I was informed that my papers had been mishandled, and the $5,400 of federal funding I was expected to receive was now $0. I could not continue my education, nor could I receive my transcript to transfer to another university. I would have to work full-time to pay off thousands of dollars to a collector, who would add thousands of dollars more in interest. At that point, I felt trying to get this degree was more trouble than it was worth, and I began to do nothing but work full-time. Still, there were inevitable barriers to be met from not having a bachelor's degree. It took about 5 years of trying to return the payment, with lots of ups and downs and delays along the way. After I paid off my debt, I returned to my studies, and it was like a fish returning to its home waters; I felt truly immersed back in the academic field I belonged. The years between my sophomore and junior year afforded me more wisdom to navigate my future better than I ever had before. I used more of the university’s resources at my disposal: I had a more active role in planning my academic year with my advisors to graduate on schedule; the career center helped improve my work profile and resumes; the SCLA Honors Society recommended to me provided networking and scholarships; by following their LinkedIn and discord channels I could attend webinars and networking events; and the accessibility to wellness centers allowed for scheduling free psychology appointments. There was some initial shame in returning as a non-traditional student, but I can confidently say after years of mistakes, it was the best decision I ever made.

I first heard of Clairo while YouTube's auto-play was calling up song after song. The mood was already set from the mist of rain I was silently working under while tending to a modest garden. The neighborhood was hushed and devoid of the usual outdoor sounds of children playing or parents hanging laundry. The playlist mix of Limbo's Airplane Mode, Willow Smith's Wait a Minute!, Steve Lacy's Dark Red, and Beach Bunny's Sports eventually came to Clairo's "Sofia". But sometimes a song can match the rain but not quite your heart; and that's when the next song, "Amoeba", came into play. Could you say you’ve even tried, You haven’t even called your family twice. I can hope tonight goes differently, But I show up to the party just to leave. I hadn’t. It was getting harder and harder to come to grips with the drift my chronic disability had caused between myself and my surroundings. I had become more self-centered in my views of the world, but also self-hating. I was removing family and friends from the physical and social environment. The lyrics reminded me of one of many repeated conversations I'd have with myself. It poked at how one can even rid themselves of social intimacy altogether, and it’s comparable to walking down a path in life only to finally look back and realize you've been walking it alone. And you don't even have anything to show for it. I do appreciate the floating instrumentals and softness of the vocals that give it a more chastising tone than one of harsh condemnation. It provided a simple truth - or reality check - instead of an accusation. It had been very difficult to break myself out of the cycle of insecurities depression often claws into me. That doubt of your worth and direction in life, and questioning if you can measure to “what your mama’s sewn” was inevitably the nail in the coffin to stop focusing on being alone in a garden in an empty neighborhood. I can't keep saying days will go differently without actually being the cause of the change. The playlist continued inside the house, leading to more songs in her album “Sling” that would also remind me of social interactions long since passed because of my self-imposed isolation and shame. As told by Clairo, “Reaper” was meant to be dedicated to the side of Clairo’s mother unknown to her, which existed before the roles of “mother” and the “wife”. I remember exploring that mysterious character with my own mother, now divorced and with adult children. It was an inside look at sacrifices and flaws I had been too young to understand. Not many of her choices were ones I agree with, after all, she still makes choices I don’t agree with. Getting to know the intimate details of who your parents sincerely are at heart, and the lessons you’ll take to be passed down, is quite a thing to almost endure. I tell myself I won’t make the same mistakes, but the whole discovery of her should be evidence enough that mistakes will happen, no matter how many lessons I learn. The whole experience basically brought to me a clarity that my isolation was weirdly a punishment where I was my own jailer. There needed to be acceptance of myself if I was to remove the concrete blocks of fear and doubt which kept me immobile.

This fund will be used in balancing course materials, tuition, and residence life for my next school year in graduate school, as I pursue a doctorate degree in forensic psychology. Admissions for Emory University end December 1st, and I'm meeting the challenges of financing my education and lessening stressors from student loans before beginning this 6-year program. I’m now completing the last year of my bachelor’s and tidying up loose ends that the mess of COVID-19 has caused, but I don’t feel regrets. Like many around the world, the last two years required overcoming a series of obstacles; allow me to share where my experiences stood out from the rest. Unlike most, the pandemic hit the world while I was an immigrant with a home and life in a foreign place; what’s worse is that place was Shanghai, China. The handling of the virus did turn the first four months of 2020 into something that gave off eerie sensations as if entering a post-apocalyptic state—and that’s not even where the true trouble began. Visas… Visas are evidence of the line of communication which exists between one country and another. Both the negative view of the adversarial US administration and the borders under lockdown, meant Americans in China had to walk on a tightrope in order to remain with family, pets, friends, doctors and more. During this period, I had to say goodbye to a visa that was no longer valid under new government policies, and complete an overwhelming amount of research, network, and utilize time-management strategies for various deadlines. I regularly met with immigration officials, paid hiked fees, and be subject to the stressful reality that anything could result in being ejected from the country. Despite what I could accomplish, the stress of it all resulted in my health declining. On top of the growing pressure to meet new policy changes and remain in the same country as my family, I then developed an abnormally chronic form of a debilitating illness that made it difficult to walk. I’ve since undergone multiple diagnostic tests and treatment regimens: an X-ray, MRI, biopsy, biweekly injections, 14 different types of medicine and vitamins, and undergone over 30 different blood tests to determine why my life now includes double knee-alignment braces and crutches. However, 55% of the time, the cause of this illness cannot be diagnosed and I was deemed as part of that fifty-five. All of this was revealed to me while I was a full-time student of two different universities, online and on-campus. It took lessons in understanding not only my disability, but also my capability, in order to stop prophesizing doom over myself and the future. Despite the disability, I still went on to attend my on-campus classes, requiring a bullet train from Shanghai to Suzhou, until I finally earned my language certificate. I reveled more in what I could manage, and sought out more activities that would help turn my insecurities into power. Throughout these life-changing events, it was suggested by both family and professors to take a second break from my studies when I had only just returned, but I knew I couldn’t. I already saw what it was like the first time I had doubted and given up on myself so completely; it took almost ten years to return to where I was. I would not give up again now, even temporarily. While the past two years have changed me from who I was, overcoming those obstacles built the unshaking foundation of who I am now.