If I'm being honest, I don't believe there really is a meaning to life. Life is too vast and too complicated to apply a simple purpose or definition to it. We all come into this world with different opportunities, abilities, and goals. Life is a miracle for some, and a curse for others. To say that our existence serves the purpose of "being the best you can be" or "doing everything you can before you go" is a rather privileged mindset, as a good portion of the world is unable to put forth their best efforts, whether it be a result of physical/mental disability, a restrictive society, or some other factor entirely. There are people who are suffering every single day. People who haven't been helped. The meaning of life is only on their mind because they want to know why they were put in such a terrible position. There is no meaning to life. Life is a vessel; it's a medium for the flawed, yet beautiful art that is all existing beings. There are things within life that have meaning, like feelings, shapes, and colors, but life itself does not define the way a person should or does live.

Although I'm still not one-hundred percent sure on what exactly I want to do as a career, I have a couple of ideas. In about the middle of my sophomore year, I came to the conclusion that psychology was an interest of mine. Honestly, I think it would be beneficial for me to study psychology, as I do have many questions about why I turned out the way I did. But recently, I also discovered that photography is something I enjoy. And I've been singing my entire life. I just wonder if I can somehow incorporate all three into whatever I end up doing. All three are very important to me, and I want to be able to engage in things involving each of them. So, really, I think my most important goal is to live life doing what I enjoy and succeed while doing it. Happiness and satisfaction are the most important factors of a fulfilling life.

If I were highly influential, the main thing I would want to advocate for is self love and equality. People, even nowadays, have a tendency to judge others and themselves way too harshly. Few seem to pick up on this, but self love makes it easier to love and advocate for those around you. We often hurt others because we're insecure, and if we can't love ourselves, we subconsciously feel no one else should. I'd use my influence, in media and on my social media accounts, to educate my audience on empathy and forgiveness. It's time we take the negatives and spin them into something positive we can do to counteract them. If someone is getting hurt, our first instinct should be to help them, not only focus on their aggressor.

Even though I've been told a lot of hurtful things by those around me (that I'm boring, overweight, ugly, etc.) I've found pride in how hard I work. I'm in the top 10% of my class, and have motivation to succeed. Everyday, I seem to learn something good about myself. I've taken up some hobbies like photography and music. Just yesterday, I realized how good I can be at talking, and understanding the themes of a book, which was something I previously struggled with. I guess, in the end, I love how, despite my doubts and the rudeness towards me, I can grow. I can find out what I'm doing wrong and change it. When I'm ignorant about something, I'm opened to being educated on whatever it might be. And I want to help other people see that in themselves too. Anyone can find their demons and face them. Sometimes they just need a friend by their side.

In my junior year of high school, I realized I had a long way to go in terms of community service before graduating. So, I joined our school's Key Club. Due to the pandemic, we mainly did virtual service, such as donation sites and making cards for neighborhoods. In about the middle of the year, I was elected secretary of the club, and now submit reports for each month. This year, I am still in that position, and at this point, I've completed 21.5 hours of service. Now that we're going out again, a little bit at least, there have been more in-person opportunities. I mostly enjoyed helping reshape the Kiwanis farm, where I made an amazing group of people (and they also provided a lot of snacks). I've never been the most social person throughout my high school career, but once I obtained a leadership position in Key Club, I've had to learn to be responsible and get important things done on time, like the reports I've had to do. And the communication skills I've picked up have helped with not only school, but my job as well. Now I understand that being shy does not mean I can't communicate properly. This communication was also learned during other service projects. Especially the ones I've worked with other students on. Heck, even in my freshman year, I'd do service with my AVID class and we'd all make sure to pull our own weight and let others know if we needed help. For example, when we helped out at elementary school carnivals, we made sure to set everything up for the students and staff for a productive and fun night. I moved to a different school after that year, so I didn't know as many people. During my sophomore year, I didn't do as much service. I counted passengers on a bus for the Nisqually Festival for two hours, which was still an important job, but I was all alone. Key Club's given me that sense of community I was missing in tenth grade. And when you feel a community, and you care for them, you're more inclined to help them out. The more you help them out, the more you care for them. It's like some sort of empathy cycle. Sure, I'm still not the most social person in my school, but I have a lot of love in my heart.

Sometimes, I look back over my life and see how much I’ve changed. Just ten years ago, I was this bubbly, outgoing seven-year old who didn’t have a care in the world. My mother was well and alive, and because of her hard work, we were pretty stable with money. Happy thoughts flowed through my optimistic little brown-haired head. I really thought my life was going to be long, fun, and easy. That is, until that river of joy came to a screeching halt because of the dam that was built on June 6th, 2014. After nearly two years of fighting her cervical cancer, my mother passed away. It took years for the dam to erode away with the water, but the damage has already been done. All those poisonous thoughts have turned my head into a black, polluted ocean. My pink-haired head is filled to the brim with deeper, darker thoughts and crises. Constantly questioning the meaning of this whole “being alive” deal. My mental state’s taken a toll on my childhood. So many of my peers are constantly going out, doing things. Having parties, attending sports games and dances. They had jobs before seventeen and they can drive. Though, I do have a few good things about me. For example, I have straight A's (a couple A minuses, but I don't count those much). And I'm also the secretary of Key Club. Even if I did run unopposed, I take part in all my responsibilities. Recently, I've been getting into a bit of photography, so maybe I finally have a hobby I can practice a bit in. I've always loved singing, though I'm not always the most confident about it. I have big plans for my future, but big isn’t the same as thought-out. Maybe once I enter the college I'm accepted to, I'll have a clearer idea of where I'm going. All I know is that I want to attend a four year university at least. I’ve been lonely for my whole life, and I know college is a better social experience than high school. You’ve got people who actually want to be there. I want to succeed, I want to have a bright future. Living the rest of my life in misery isn’t an option. I’ve had enough sadness for about three lifetimes. Learning how to function, live on my own, and of course getting a degree in whatever it is I decide to do in the end, every one of those things is important to me. But I don’t just want to do a repeat of high school. I want friends, people I can talk to and depend on to be there for me. I’ve always wanted to be there for someone else. Really, I just want to be around people. Preferably because of common interests, or maybe even just fellow members of the LGBT+ community. I'd definitely prefer to find people I can relate to in that regard. Being a stronger and happier person is really the end goal for me. I want to stop dwelling on my trauma, but I need to find a reason to. I don’t need to find the “meaning of life”, or a “predetermined purpose”, I just want to be happy. Well-off, responsible, and happy. Maybe visit England or France? Hopefully? Maybe, maybe not? The point is, if I’m going to be so conscious about how short my life is, I want to actually do something with it. It’ll be a lot easier to die knowing I ran a good marathon, whether I win the race or not.