When I close my eyes and dream my most wonderful dream I see myself happy and pursuing my one true passion: acting. I’ll be acting in films and on television and I’ll be an inspiration to many. You see, I have a very noticeable physical disability and they’re aren’t many people in the film and television industry that fit that description. Actors are supposed to be good looking and talented and for that reason people like me feel like they aren’t good enough and will never make it. My dream shows exactly want I have always wanted: equality and acceptance. I’ll be able to walk around and, instead of people staring at me like I’m a freak, they’ll be staring at me like I am a beacon of hope. I’ll be able to do what I love without having to worry what others think and I’ll help others feel the same way too. I see change and I believe that I will be part of that change.

As I sit on a cloud above the world, I dream of better things—wonderfully, absurd things. I dream of pursuing my passions and inspiring others. I do not want anything or anyone to hold me back from doing what I love, and that includes myself. As a little girl, I enjoyed movies and television and, like most, I wanted to be an actor. I let go of this dream quickly, however, because I was afraid of being in the public eye, judged solely based on my looks. You see, I was born with an incredibly rare disability called “congenital radioulnar synostosis,” which is the fusion of the radio and ulna bone at birth. For a disability so rare, it was passed down through my family for generations and so my family concluded, at that point, that the trait was dominant. My entire family has faced adversity and have worked very hard to become who they are today. Except for me. I was too busy pitying myself that I let my dreams pass me by. Not anymore! College is coming up really soon and I have decided to major in acting/drama. My biggest artistic ambition is to become a well-known actor who inspires and influences people to follow their dreams no matter what they look like or their physical limitations. Something that is not talked about widely is that people with disabilities are either type-casted or not casted at all in the film and television industry. Some people believe that disabilities hinder, but that is not always true and even if it was, I believe that people should be given the chance to follow their dreams. This scholarship money will be a huge help for me in pursuing my dream of becoming an influential, disabled actor. If I am able to pay for my education, I can hone my acting skills and get a good job after graduation. I will work hard to achieve my dream because I know that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. I have to be realistic though because I can not do everything by myself and that is why this scholarship would be beneficial for me, it will help take me part of the way towards my dream. Deep down in my heart, I know that I can make my dream come true no matter what. I want to make works of art that are moving and that make me and others happy!

Although the pandemic has been difficult for all of us, it has also been a time for deliberation. For me, I got to focus more on my mental health and future career goals. In my middle school and early high school years, I was struggling with generalized anxiety disorder, an eating disorder, and depression. I wasn’t happy with the way that I looked. I tended to focus on my faults which I can list no problem—off the top of my head: I have a big nose, a relatively large face, I don’t have a flat stomach, and I have a noticeable disability that no one knows the name of. Only paying attention to my flaws made me go absolutely insane to the point that I risked my life in order to be seen as beautiful. During the pandemic, I had a lot of time to think and I realized just how sick I was and I was determined to change. I am proud to say that I have fully recovered from my eating disorder and that has allowed me to focus on my education. I want to be an actor. It sounds crazy, I know, but I have always wanted my future career to be acting. Like I previously stated, I have a noticeable physical disability but I don’t want that to stop me from achieving my dreams. Before the pandemic I would have said no to anything that would put me in the public eye, but now I don’t care what other’s think about me and that is all thanks to my new found confidence from thinking deeply about how I want to spend the rest of my life. Life is too short to spend time thinking, “What if?”. I survived an eating disorder, being a fifteen year old girl that was down to 84 pounds! Not many can say that. All of my self pity distracted me from the fact that I am lucky to be here today and for that reason I want to live my life the way I want to without thinking about the consequences. I’m not the same person I used to be and it’s crazy to think that all I needed was a little time to myself to contemplate what it is that I am doing with my life. I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I don’t really care anymore. I have a dream and I will continue to chase after it. Don’t look back and don’t look forward. Live in the present.

As a child, I felt like the world was out to get me. Other children my age, were the bane of my existence because I thought they intentionally said and did things just to get under my skin—sometimes this was true, but, what I am about to talk about was not the case. The thing is, I have never been good in social situations, so that made me not the most approachable person. I remember so vividly that there was this one girl that I was convinced “stole” my one and only friend. I hated her. The thing that I failed to notice is that she did not “steal” anything from me. My one and only friend was not really my friend at all. Friends do not just leave other friends in the dust for someone else—for someone “better”. I had been in denial for years and years. “How could I be the reason my friend left?,” I thought. I had held this stupid grudge against this other girl for the longest time and it was so stupid! I decided then and there that I was going to write her (a.k.a the so-called “friend stealer”) a letter saying that I was sorry for all that I had said and put her through because it was not even her fault in the first place that I had no friends. I am proud to say that me and her are great friends now. Her kindness has made me so happy. For the longest time, I had prayed to God every night that he give me at least one friend. I had given up hope that I would ever have a good friend that actually cared about how I felt and who understood me for who I really am. It took a while, but my wish finally came true. It is strange how things work. How one day I see this girl as someone who was out to get me, and now I see her as a dear friend who is beyond the kindest person I have ever met. Kindness can do so much for a person and that is why I choose to be kind. She was kind to me and it made me feel so much better about myself, and so I want to return the favor to her and everyone else I meet along the long journey of my life.

Starting in middle school, I began to despise myself. I understand that “despise” is a powerful word, but it best describes how I felt at that time and how I still, sometimes, feel. At first, it was harmless, I started working out and eating healthier, but, when I did not see results, I kind of lost it. I became obsessed with my appearance and how others saw me to the point that I lost myself. I would do strenuous workout videos for more than two hours a day and barely eat anything. What I had was called orthorexia. I knew I had an eating disorder since I started to act differently, but I dug a hole so deep that I could not get myself out. This struggle lasted for three years until my parents saw that I was not going to snap out of the mindset I was in—I needed to get some help. I was, of course, angry that I would have to change my ways but, when I went to the doctor’s office, I knew that I had gone too far. At the age of fifteen, I was 84 pounds. I will never forget that day. The doctor came in and told my mom the news, and she started to cry. The thing is, my mom does not usually shed tears, so I knew what I had done to myself was severe. I had chosen to avoid the pain I felt sitting down and feeling my bones rub against a solid chair or floor. I felt my shoulder blades stick out and stab anything I laid my back on. My sickness had consumed me to the point where I was no longer myself. I lost my passion for the things that I most enjoyed. Ever since I was little, I have always loved to express myself creatively. It was not until recently that I realized that I love acting as an art form and want to do that as my future career. I have never had any experience, but I do not care because I really love it and want to go towards it at full speed. The thing is, I also struggle with generalized anxiety disorder and dealing with a very noticeable physical disability. In the past, my mental health and disability made me incredibly shy and self-conscious; I did not take part in any clubs or activities that piqued my interest. During quarantine, though, I learned to love myself for who I am and yearn to reach for my dreams no matter how absurd. My mental health issues have made me wise for my age, and because of that, I know how it feels to be without happiness and frightened to live in a world full of hate and judgment. I do not want to feel that way anymore! I can not let my mental issues control me because they do not make me who I am—I do—so that is why I am choosing to go to college and study theatre. I will work diligently and as hard as I can because I want this. I am not at all good at theatre, but I want to get better. I am determined to succeed and inspire other people like me in the process.

Growing up with a disability, especially one that no one knew the name of, was hard to say the least; I can not say that I was alone though, because my great grandfather had it, my grandfather has it, my dad, my aunt, my brother, and my two cousins as well. It is safe to say that the disability is a dominant trait. My disability is called “congenital radioulnar synostosis,” this is the fusion of the radio and ulna bone, but what my family has is different from the other types seen, which makes me and my family get a lot of unwanted attention. The best way my arms can be described is “macaroni elbows”—as ironic as that is. I remember at the ripe age of eight years old, I looked up my disability. I read about the few cases of “congenital radioulnar synostosis” that were seen and how other people had surgery to gain more mobility. As I kept reading, my eyes fell upon the words I was dreading to see: “congenital radioulnar synostosis” can only be surgically adjusted at a young age and some types of the condition, can not be corrected by surgery at all—me and my family are the ladder. I burst into tears, clinging to my arms. I told myself that it was only a nightmare, but it was not and that was something that I had to come to terms with. Growing up, I was fortunate that I had my dad to teach me how to do tasks that were difficult for me growing up. Since my arms are permanently bent, there are tasks that I just can not physically do. Around the time of middle school and the beginning of high school, I started experiencing some mental health problems, generalized anxiety coupled with an eating disorder. As a result of this, I did not allow myself to participate in clubs or classes that I found interesting because I was self-conscious of my appearance and was afraid I would be made fun of. All I ever wanted was for people to be able to look past my appearance and my disability and to see me for who I am. To this day, I still feel this way. I am getting better now. It has been a difficult journey, and I am finally allowing myself to explore the things I am really interested in, like the arts. I dug deep into my “mind palace” and remembered how much I loved theatre as a little girl. Sure, I only played in maybe one or two plays in second grade but I loved it! I am planning on taking acting classes at my local community college and I am so excited! My higher education and my fervor for the things that I love mean a lot to me. I am actually enrolled in a local program, allowing me to work towards my high school diploma and my associates degree in the two years left of my high school years. I realize that the film and TV industry is incredibly ruthless and, in some instances, I will be judged solely on my appearance and the things I can not do, but I really want this! I want to start doing things that make me happy without worrying about my disability. Also, if I am being honest, any critique or harsh comment that may be thrown my way, I have probably already said to myself at some time in my life, so I feel somewhat prepared for the harsh world that is the film/TV industry. Acting is a huge commitment and takes willpower and I do not want my disability to stop me from pursuing my passion. I have concluded that I would rather live my life than be afraid of what others will think of me along the way. I want to be an inspiration to people who think they are not good enough and be an example that, no matter their physical limitations, they can go after whatever they wish. In the film industry, people with disabilities are not that abundant but I think that should change. I want to be one of the individuals to make a difference for people with disabilities in the film and TV industry. No matter what people say, no matter what people think, I will follow my dreams no matter what because my disability does not define me.

2020, although very devastating, was a time for me to learn more about myself and what I wanted for my life. I had been struggling with generalized anxiety disorder, body dysmorphia, an eating disorder, and the cherry on top was me being diagnosed with Graves disease in mid-October during the pandemic. Doing online school gave me a lot of time to think, a little too much. I forever remember the times that I broke into tears crying, "Poor me!". Then I realized something. Why should I be pitying myself? Okay, I'm not that good-looking, I'm set apart from my peers for my weird and unique disability, but that isn't an excuse to pity my existence. Whenever I had to go to school in-person, I never had time to worry about myself, I could only worry about my homework and assignments that were important for my future. I realized in quarantine, though, that my mental health is way more important than school. Just that one change, made all the difference! Now I'm feeling mentally and physically better than I have been in a long time and I am getting high A's in all my classes (and I'm taking both college and high school classes). I additionally felt lost in my plans for the future, but after watching a ton of videos and doing research for colleges for my college readiness course, I found that I really love theatre. I have no experience but the art of it fascinates me. All of this happened in the span of one year! Even though I have experienced some great things during the pandemic, the big events such as the Black Lives Matter Movement ignition and the mass amounts of COVID-19 deaths can not go unnoticed. These events taught me that the world can be a treacherous place, but I want to make a change. I want to inspire people! I want to show that you can do anything you set your mind to and you CAN be happy. Here is my closing message: "Life is rough but don't let it get you down. Keep your head high, follow your dreams, do what makes you happy, and things WILL get better."

“All who have accomplished great things have had a great aim, have fixed their gaze on a goal which was high, one which sometimes seemed impossible.” —Orison Swett Marden This quote inspired me to reach for my dreams even if they seem impossible. I want to go into acting, but that will be difficult because of how judgmental the film industry is. They base everything off of your looks. I don’t want to aim low because I am scared of judgment. I want to aim high, fail, then try and try again because I put my heart and soul into everything I do, especially when it comes to my career plan.

A woman that I admire is Jennifer Lawrence. Although she is not a woman who is part of my life, she has influenced me nonetheless. She is an incredibly talented, funny, and hardworking actress, which are all qualities I have strived for since I was a little girl. Sadly, I have always avoided the spotlight because I am afraid of judgment and failure. I am worried that others will judge me based on my personality and my unique disability. I was born with a condition called: congenital radioulnar synostosis, which is the fusion of the radio and ulna bone at birth. Despite being incredibly rare, the disability was passed down to my grandfather, to my father and his sister, to me, my brother, and my two cousins. We have all faced some discrimination or humiliation for our disability, but we stand tall no matter what—well, in my case, somewhat. Discrimination piled on top of my generalized anxiety disorder, and my eating disorder really affected me negatively. Jennifer Lawrence, doing the things she loves and is good at, inspired me to follow my dreams and face adversity. That is why I am planning on pursuing a career in acting. It will be difficult-I understand this. The world can be a dreadful place, full of people who form opinions based on your appearance, but I want to push past that. I want to do the things that I love and inspire people in the process. I will continue to work towards my dream no matter what, just like Jennifer Lawrence, who was so determined to follow her passion that she lived in a rat-infested apartment—so brave.

This is my little girl Zula. My family got her a year ago when she was eight weeks old and it was the best decision we have ever made. I had been struggling with my mental health for three years and Zula helped me knock it out of the park. I love her with all my heart. She makes me happy everyday and I don’t know what I would do without her.