I had a suicide plan. In all transparency, I used to fall prey to the stigma surrounding suicide and judged the survivors and victims. The phrase "just imagine yourself in their shoes" does little to no good on a topic as dismal as that of suicide. I did not understand how a person could reach that level of hopelessness until I felt it myself. The funny thing was, though, I never really felt the hopelessness everyone describes. I felt I had finally found the answer to all of my problems. Imagining myself in the unknowns of death was a pacifier, a comfort when everything around me felt unworthy of living for. Of course, I felt for my parents and my siblings, praying they valued me enough to be affected by my death. When your brain is preparing to be its demise it teaches itself to disconnect the positive emotions that just might become your savior. So while I felt for them, that feeling was not enough for me to seek help. It was just enough for me to think of places where I would be okay with dying if I could not die at home. Once I had hatched my plan, I lay in bed on The Night Before and just thought to myself, finally lucid. It was as if finalizing the plan was so comforting that my true self was allowed to shine through if only for a moment. I have struggled with my faith, but I was raised in it. So I allowed myself just one final prayer: "Lord, if I shall die tomorrow then so be it. I pray I may join you in your Kingdom. But, if anything is left for me, then God save me." And He did. My healing process slowly began and while I am not sure it will ever truly be over, I have been given a chance to show others His good and His mercy. Unlike a strong protagonist in a fictional story, I have not screamed from rooftops that “Suicide is not the answer” and “Praying will magically heal you”, but I have seen a therapist who has helped me create a safe environment for myself and my friends. My healing started with the Lord and continues in Him, so I created a habit of Bible study. Between finding my value through Him - as opposed to things of Earth - and seeing a counselor monthly, I can honestly say that I am nearing an entire year completely free of suicidal impulses. Starting by working on myself and learning how to better identify and cope with my emotions has allowed me to better identify emotions in others, subsequently, giving my friends and family a healthy place to relieve their emotions and receive honest and healthy input. I have sat and walked my friends and family through a Bible study and referenced several people to a counselor in our area. I pray I am continually placed in positions to bring others closer to Him and their healing processes and that my writing of this essay reaches and inspires at least one reader to look to Him for answers.