A couple of years ago, if you were to ask me to share my view on mental health, I don't think I would have much to say. I knew I had some friends that were struggling, and even some family members. I, however, was perfectly fine. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me-- I had school and my future to worry about. So, how could there be?
That was not true. I was not okay. I have not been okay for a very long time. I have learned to bottle it up through the years and hide it away from others. I saw mental health as just another one of my many imperfections, something that would make those around me uncomfortable. How could I be loved if I was uncomfortable to be around? So instead of talking to a therapist about my thoughts and stress and anxiety, which was affecting me physically, I developed my own ways to deal with it: I worked myself to the breaking point. With school, I loaded on AP classes and dual enrollment credits. I began working 20 to 30 hours a week at my work and removed any free time from the schedule. However, there was that small time window, between getting home from work and falling asleep, where I would hide in my closet. I crawled into the corner because the small space felt comforting. That craving to be in control of everything--including myself-- was fulfilled.
Very recently, I went through an extremely traumatic event, where I was confronted with just how many imperfections I had. Guilt and grief were all around me, tugging me out of any possible comfort spot in my closet I had.
That was when I decided to stop pretending like I was okay and I began talking to a therapist. The most important people around me had not even realized, I don't think, just because of how much I was doing between school, leadership positions, and work. However, mental health is more easily covered up than people realize. Yes, there are signs. However, those signs are not always visible to others.
After that shifting point, and after that event which had made me value the people in my life, I rearranged my life and values. Before, I had cared about how someone could help me. Now, I try to focus more on who that person is. Before, I had cared more about constructing a future that involved success and money. Now, I care much more about happiness-- which doesn't mean that I am weak.
Throughout university and my future career, no matter what path I choose, I want to make mental health a priority for myself, and for others who believe that pushing it away is the solution-- just as I had.
Today, I have many things to say about mental health. It is not something that should be ignored. It is not something that you run from, or hide from, but something that you can look directly in the face. And it certainly is not an imperfection.