Growing up I was always insecure about my body image, however my relationship with eating got worse in the middle of sophomore year. The middle of my swim season I discovered stretch marks on my thighs and freaked out. At the time, I believed stretch marks were a sign of being “fat” and decided to try a keto diet. Not surprisingly, trying to cut down on carbohydrates while I was vegetarian was extremely difficult and ineffective. As sophomore year went on, I continued to find more and more parts of my body I was unhappy with. Ever since I was young, my calves were a big insecurity, but with my distorted body image, I started hating my thighs, stomach, face fat and my ankles. I idolized models, celebrities and movie stars, often crying when I realized I would never look like them. Once Covid-19 hit and my school went remote for the rest of the year, I looked up workout videos on YouTube that promised abs in two weeks or thinner thighs in three. I even started doing face exercises to enhance my jawline. Desperate to be what society depicted as “skinny”, I started counting calories, and wouldn’t allow myself to eat over 600 calories each day. My days quickly turned into a morning run, school, a small lunch, a long workout and a small dinner with plenty of water to drink before each meal. I couldn't look at my favorite foods anymore without seeing the amount of calories on the nutrition label. My mother, as much as I love her, made my eating habits worse. Born with a naturally fast metabolism, my mom never worried about weight. Over quarantine she would tell my sister and I that she had been the same size all her life until she got pregnant. It was the little things she said that made me spiral. Passing comments such as “you're having another bowl?” or “less carbs girls” hurt more than they helped. It got to the point where several times during my junior year my parents would threaten to take me to the hospital, or my dad would listen at the bathroom door to make sure I wasn’t purging. I get sick to my stomach every time I eat “too much”, I can’t eat in front of other people, I constantly compare myself to others, I get cold and dizzy, and I always have dry skin. Everyday I still struggle to look in the mirror and believe I deserve to eat my favorite foods. Everyday is a constant battle between choosing recovery and choosing to listen to the voice in my head saying “just a few more pounds”, because recovery isn't just gaining weight, it's gaining back the mindset that everyone is beautiful in their own way and weighing more doesn't make you less beautiful. In college, I want to help others struggling with eating disorders start their path to recovery. The hardest part of recovery for me was acknowledging the way I was thinking wasn’t healthy, and that I didn’t need to be like every movie star or model because what I saw online likely wasn’t the way they actually looked everyday. I want to educate others and spread awareness that eating disorders affect more than just one age group, gender, race or ethnicity, and that not everyone that recovers from an eating disorder will look the same. Lastly, I want to help others be able to look in the mirror everyday and see a smiling, beautiful, healthy person instead of the distorted image of themselves brought on by their eating disorder.