"I don't want to be here anymore." To most people, that's a sentence that holds little weight. It's a sentence that can be used to tell a significant other that you want to leave a party. It could be a phrase used by an exasperated toddler in a grocery store. That simple phrase was the one that left me on my bathroom floor bawling in the fetal position. The connotation of that text drastically changes when you realize that the sender was my suicidal best friend. As a newly minted teenager, it seemed wrong for me to have to think about a world without my best friend. But as I texted back, and the clock ticked by without any response, nightmares became closer to reality. Having already called my best friend and her mom, I sat on the floor and prayed, not knowing what else to do. I also became angry at myself, realizing all of the things I should've done for her, everything I could've done to prevent this situation. I should've made sure she had a therapist she liked, I should've told her parents she was flushing her antidepressants, and I should've made sure she knew she wasn't alone. My thoughts are running as half an hour later, her mom's name lights up on my phone, "She's okay. I made her put her phone away." You might think that those words made everything okay, but they didn't. The fact that my life and hers weren't made completely better by the relief of that text showed me the reality of mental health. The cycle never ends. Yes, that night ended with my best friend still alive. But, when three years later, I live in fear of a night with the opposite outcome, I can't bring myself to say that everything was fine. My life was forever changed by my experience as the loved one of a suicidal person. When I was diagnosed with anxiety eight months later, I made sure to do everything I wanted her to have done. I went to a therapist, talked to my parents about it, and didn't hide in the darkness. I only knew to do these things, because of what happened that night on my bathroom floor. I only knew what to do, because of what I wished I had done to prevent that night. But how could I know; no one told me what to do, and no health class taught that either. I knew the Heimlich and CPR, but how do you save somebody who wants to die? I didn't have an answer because answers hid in the dark cloud of stigmatism of mental health. I believe everyone should have that answer, so I aimed to do what I could to reduce the stigma. I joined the bandana project at my high school and became involved in AFSP's Out of the Darkness Walk. Last year alone, I raised over one thousand dollars, which would go to efforts in my community and high school to destigmatize mental health. I was also open with my friends about my anxiety and talked to them about their mental health. Being the loved one of a suicidal person taught me that change is made when people talk. It led me to work against the stigmatism, and it led me to more open friendships and relationships.

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.” That’s a phrase I’ve heard many a time and it can flawlessly be applied to some sports, but one one applies the concept to life it paints a devastating picture of how divided our world has become. As a person, I am hyper competitive and love good competition, but when the world becomes a place where people simply try to get ahead of others and take advantage, our communities become divided. I think that everyone needs to come together, teach each other and help each other in order to take full advantage of all this world has to offer. One way in which I work to give back to the community is as a volunteer at my church as a small group leader. A big part of teaching these elementary school age kids about the gospel is to lead by example. I show up each day, eager to help and excited to teach in order to teach them to have the same excitement for life and helping others. I also give back through National Honors society, right now I’m aiming for a letter and national service merit award! I enjoy giving back by donating blood, volunteering and leading at various events such as Vacation Bible School, and being a volunteer lacrosse coach. I believe that the “dog eat dog” way of the world is created by something that shouldn’t be prevalent in society anymore, and should be phased out in order to better the lives of everyone around them! To do this, it is crucial that everyone puts in the time to do something at least once per week that will give back to their community and better themselves and others!

Some timelines are circular; that’s something I was taught in history this week. Circular timelines are based on the idea that history repeats itself. History repeated itself: I am going through the recruiting process, for a second time, but now from the opposite side. I had to recruit in fifth grade. My city had no girl's lacrosse team because there wasn’t enough interest. In third and fourth grade I played for the rival city’s team, but my brother played for our city’s team, which wasn’t fair. So, I went to girls in my elementary school and found out how many would be interested in playing. That April, I played for my city. The U12 team I played on was the first girl's team for our association. Now, the program starts at U8, goes to U16, and I am the one being recruited. What happened in the other 359° of the circle to bring me back where I began? Why am I here? The values of commitment, teamwork, and discipline I learned within that 359 ° and six years since have brought me the opportunity to be back at my circle's starting point, to be recruited. Commitment and discipline go hand in hand with each other and are two important aspects of my persona. I play club with Minnesota Elite in the offseason to provide more training opportunities beyond my six-week high school season. Being from Minnesota, some of my opportunities are limited, so I have to put in more effort, such as farther drives to practice, flights to prospect camps, and tournaments far from home to get the same edge as my east coast counterparts. Besides game-specific skills, I also work on athleticism frequently through speed training and weight lifting to gain even more of an edge on the field. True commitment goes beyond the expected, and embodying that, I enjoy volunteering with Homegrown Lacrosse to help grow the game in Minnesota. This summer, I was a counselor at their overnight camp and worked with the Washburn Games in Minneapolis to introduce more children to the sport. Off the field, I am a dedicated and committed student. As an NHS member, I keep a high GPA and constantly take AP and college-level classes that challenge me. I have the discipline to make choices based on my long-term goals instead of immediate wants, which helps me stay committed. Teamwork is something that I try to prioritize as a value for myself and my team. I was voted captain this year and work to instill a family and “team before me” atmosphere. In games, I look to see if someone else has a better shot, pass if they do, and I ended the season second overall in points on my high school team last year. Anyone who knows me knows I am the loudest person in the room and on the field. I try to be outgoing, lead projects by bringing people together and make everyone feel comfortable in school. I work hard to be a smiling face and talk to everyone on the team and in my community. Had it not been for the values of commitment, teamwork, and discipline I learned through the game of lacrosse and have exemplified in my life, I wouldn't be at my circle’s start. I would not be in the recruiting process or be given the chance to play in college, and I would not be the person I am today.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green has been my favorite book since I was in fifth grade. Over the years, I've read many other great books such as The Way I Used to Be, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, The Storyteller, and even classics like Dear John. Despite the romance, comedy, relatability and even the late night cry sessions resulting from such books, The Fault in Our Stars is still top. Why? Why would I love this book despite knowing the ending and knowing the heartache that would result? I love it, because no matter my age I can always relate. There have been times when I relate to the feeling of an exciting new romance, times when I relate to a post loss heartache, and always relating to the complexities of teenage life. It is a rare book, because each time you read it, you need it for a different reason, and the book provides for every reason.