Living with an eating disorder and depression at the same time is tricky; anorexia strives to feed off of dopamine, yet depression drains it. It’s almost like it’s a vicious cycle of reaching for that sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. One part of you wants to live for this image you created in your head, and that other part of you wants to give up and face the fact that it may never happen. There was no part of me that wanted a future in my education, a career, anything at all. I just wanted control over my past. With this all being said, my personal experience with loss is with myself, the grief of losing my sense of self. An eating disorder is all-consuming. It swallows you whole and puts you into this dark room, a room with nobody you love there, and as much as you try to find light and your purpose, it’s like you have this false image of the light being turned off again and again. That light, that purpose, was always turned off by yourself. So, unless you forgot to pay your electricity bill, that light will always be able to be turned back on. As much as I was physically calling out for help, I was always contradicting myself by pushing all the help away. I just wanted that control back, in times where I never got the chance. I would reach my hand out for someone, just to immediately grab it back and convince myself I didn’t want it. Even after going to so many treatment facilities, I would come home and immediately relapse. I felt unworthy, unheard, and just flat out terrible with myself. This led me to the suicidal thoughts, the thoughts that if I already lost myself, I may as well go for good. “No one would miss me,” I would think to myself. “It’s like I’m already gone anyways.” This was never true, as the smile I put on my face everyday continued to lift others up, make them laugh, make them put on a smile of their own. I made a difference, but I didn’t see it. I was constantly told how kind and thoughtful I was, but I didn’t see it. I was too consumed by my thoughts to believe any of it. The reason I want to work with mental health, the reason I want to go into Psychology at all, is so I can help someone’s path become a little clearer, or easier to continue. Once the fog is lifted, life becomes liveable again. I don’t plan on solving anyone’s problems. But I do plan on making the load a little lighter for someone, anyone. No one deserves to live their life convinced they’re alone. I want to work directly with people, but I’m still not sure what career I want to pursue as of right now. I think the more than I continue working on myself, the better my work will be for others. My fog isn’t completely lifted, but this time, I’m willing to wait until it is.