Mental illness wasn't something I talked about growing up. As a kid things seemed simple, I would run around outside, get my hands dirty, and craft anything I could think of. I always knew something was different with my family though. My parents never showed any sort of love toward each other, and my father was always present but was absent in every other aspect of being a parent. As I grew up my mental health started to change, I was always afraid on the weekends. What would my dad get mad at today? Would I be able to ask him a question? Can I have a different opinion? Every weekend I needed to walk on eggshells.
After the divorce things got a little better. My mom has always been supportive, she was and still is my rock that helped me get through everything. And my dad actually started to seem like he cared about my sister and I. It went on for a few months, and hope was starting to form. Then, he met his new wife. It started slow. We would see her at a lunch, then we met her son, then we were introduced to her family. And all of a sudden we were moved in, shoved into a tiny room, and left without a say in our life again. Once my dad's new wife realized we were there to stay, her true colors came out.
She never liked me. I was too skinny, I looked too much like my mom, I was quiet, I was young, so on and so on. She took her insecurities out on me. And my dad let her, he would support her in a way. I tried not to let it control me but I was a young high school girl and the pressure from school and at home changed how I perceived myself. The eating disorder came first. She was dieting constantly and would call herself a cow, but we were the same size. I'm not going to get into too much detail for my own sake but things went downhill quickly.
My anxiety is what spiked next. When I was with my mom, everything was calm. She wasn't having constant mood swings or belittling me. She was my safe place. I would always be telling her what was going on at my dad's but I kept my mental health to myself for as long as I could. Then the weekend would come around and I would be with him again. The back and forth of calm and anxiety took its toll and I knew I needed something to change.
I cut him off, and I left. It was the most mature thing I could have ever done for myself. I choose myself, I wanted to have happiness again. And I did it. I am now a sophomore in college working towards my dream career. I try to be as kind as I can to everyone I meet because I don't know what their background looks like. I want to be someone of support, a listener, for whoever needs it because I know how much it can help. I also work to fight against body image. I want everyone to know they are beautiful, it doesn’t matter what our body looks like, as hard as it is to accept. It is our vessel to get through life, to find joy and love. Mental health is scary, it's intimidating, but once more and more people start showing kindness and acceptance we can learn new ways to coincide with it.