In total, my mental health has impeded my goals, relationships, and understanding of the world. When I was younger especially, I found myself constantly afraid; constantly considering the possibility of my parents’ deaths, the nearby and overdue volcanoes erupting, being robbed, being murdered. These thoughts might have been stirred up by the media I was exposed to as a child, but nonetheless, I have found myself in an unending state of fear. Though, as I aged, this fear manifested differently: I began to fear any possible thing going wrong. Due to this, I am so reluctant to do some things out of the fear of embarrassing myself, hurting myself, or just simply doing something wrong and failing. Through quarantine, I was isolated, and had full control over what I made myself do. In turn, I did nothing, and I had so few friends. I fell into a pit of depression, and the thought of going out and doing things with people scared me to my core. A simple phone call had me reduced to tears, and the times I heard, “I’m disappointed in you,” from friends, family, peers, and teachers was countless. Following the end of quarantine, I was pushed into a realm I was unfamiliar with and I was without desire to understand and adapt to it. As a freshman in high school, I felt disoriented and lost, and, from the utter isolation, depressed. In middle school, I saw my grades slip and felt dejected; I had blatantly given up. Blindly heeding my parents’ choices for my classes, I wound up in an Advanced Placement Environmental Science course. At first, I saw no reason to try, so my grades further slipped. However, as the first semester progressed, I found myself enthralled by the subject, the people, and the lessons—I was fascinated to dig into more about our ecosystems, the detriment of our actions, and ways to improve the world. All of it. Difficult thoughts of self-worth and demotivation plagued me, yet amidst my gloom, the sciences became mesmerizing to me. At the end of the first semester, my grade veered closer and closer to an F, reigniting my parents’ and my own frustrations. I was alone, unmotivated, and failing. I saw no reason to let anyone into my life, and I only pushed people away. Yet, observing my classmates, I witnessed a community of people driven to not only help themselves, but each other. I realized that this was not just another hardship I would have to endure, but one I felt the need to overcome and conquer. In truth, this was a new feeling for me; success had its appeal, yet the beliefs that I was capable and that I could improve were not ones I held prior. I worked harder, dedicated my time to it, and pushed myself to reach out for help and learn proper studying techniques. I had discovered a new reason to keep going and try my best, even if I could not always succeed. This led me to stay after school for hours and try again and again at failed labs, query for clarifications on topics I had not quite understood, and for once put my all into setting myself up for success. But even then, I miscalculated and misidentified plenty. Even a year prior, this bout would have made me completely give up and sulk, but it only drove me to get better. I deal a lot with my mental health and constant bouts of anxiety and depression. Despite my frequent lack of motivation and constant thoughts of worry, I try my best to remain collected and push myself past it. However, it can make this really difficult, and make it feel like I’m just trudging through the day at times. I’ve gotten better, but it is still a daily struggle. Even though I have finished that class years ago now, I still find myself constantly driven to succeed and push past the boundaries I felt were set due to my anxiety and depression. While I was able to come to this conclusion, I am not saying I never struggle anymore--I still struggle plenty--I have found my ways of overcoming and/or enduring my life in a way where I can find myself successful. Through this struggle, I learned how to balance my responsibilities and my mental health. Now especially, I recognize that having a community of people to help each other is extremely important in seeing success, or feeling reason to try, or even just to feel heard and understood. I know to take care of myself, but sometimes pushing through makes me feel even better.

In my classes, my peers will approach me and ask questions, and I can see their eyes light up as they understand the topic at hand. I have been thanked by plenty–this feeling that I have an impact is amazing, it is one I reach for every day of my life. Everyone wants to make a change, but I really know I could. I look up greatly to the people who further humanity’s knowledge on mathematics, I deeply desire to be one of those people. I, like everyone else, face my daily struggles. However, knowing that I have the chance at financial support drives me to seek it out in order to pursue my dreams of being a great mathematician. There is still so much to explore and discover in the realm of mathematics, especially with how vast it is. To be one of the people--one of the brilliant women--that pushes for these novel discoveries, to be some of the people I look up to most, would be an absolute honor. My friends and family insist this is just a dream, but I know I can make it reality. I am a capable, driven, and passionate person; all I wish is that these possibilities were not behind the paywall of higher education. I am especially driven in the field of mathematics because, when I look at the world around me, it is everywhere. In the arts, in chemistry, in sports, in martial arts, in literature--I find it overwhelmingly incredible. Even in everything that makes us human: the atoms that make us up, the chemicals that traverse our brain, and the oxygen that pumps in our blood, there is mathematical reasoning for. Even if it's deep down and highly complex in patterns, everything that lives must make sense in its components to exist. I mean, for so long, physics was an unexplored territory and just simply was left alone. Yet, when it was finally explored, it made so much sense. Thousands upon thousands of explanations and predictions can be made from just these basic explored concepts, and as it expands, more and more of the world makes sense as well. I could ramble on about this forever, and while these ideas might seem pointless to some, it feels like a calling to me. That this might possibly be what I was made to do and explore.

While my family is comfortable, my dreams are still viewed as unattainable. Yet, these dreams have lived on ever since I was very young, despite the doubt. I have seen that I am able to help the people around me in pretty tremendous ways. In my classes, my peers will approach me and ask questions, and I can see their eyes light up as they understand the topic at hand. I have been thanked by plenty–this feeling that I have an impact is amazing, it is one I reach for every day of my life. The money this scholarship would give me would not only alleviate the worries of me and my parents, but also further push me to widen my impact. Though I can help the lives and grades of the students, I wish to be able to help the people of the world in total. Everyone wants to make a change, but I really know I could. While I am able to help the people around me, I feel that a higher education could expand my impact. I look up greatly to the people who further humanity’s knowledge on mathematics, I deeply desire to be one of those people. I, like everyone else, face my daily struggles. However, knowing that I have the chance at financial support drives me to seek it out in order to pursue my dreams of being a great mathematician. There is still so much to explore and discover in the realm of mathematics, especially with how vast it is. To be one of the people--one of the brilliant women--that pushes for these novel discoveries, to be some of the people I look up to most, would be an absolute honor. My friends and family insist this is just a dream, but I know I can make it reality. I am a capable, driven, and passionate person; all I wish is that these possibilities were not behind the paywall of higher education. I am especially driven in the field of mathematics because, when I look at the world around me, it is everywhere. In the arts, in chemistry, in sports, in martial arts, in literature--I find it overwhelmingly incredible. Even in everything that makes us human: the atoms that make us up, the chemicals that traverse our brain, and the oxygen that pumps in our blood, there is mathematical reasoning for. Even if it's deep down and highly complex in patterns, everything that lives must make sense in its components to exist. I mean, for so long, physics was an unexplored territory and just simply was left alone. Yet, when it was finally explored, it made so much sense. Thousands upon thousands of explanations and predictions can be made from just these basic explored concepts, and as it expands, more and more of the world makes sense as well. I could ramble on about this forever, and while these ideas might seem pointless to some, it feels like a calling to me. That this might possible be what I was made to do and explore.

In truth, I never thought I would make it. Leaving the quarantine behind was a much-needed relief for the lonely and socially deprived people of the world, but for me, I was thrust into a realm I had no clue how to navigate and no drive to figure it out. As a freshman in high school, I felt disoriented and lost, and, from the utter isolation, depressed. In middle school, I saw my grades slip and felt dejected. My parents were irked by my poor performance in school; I had blatantly given up. Blindly heeding my parents’ choices for my classes, I wound up in an Advanced Placement Environmental Science course. At first, I saw no reason to try, so my grades further slipped. However, as the first semester progressed, I found myself enthralled by the subject, the people, and the lessons—I was fascinated to dig into more about our ecosystems, the detriment of our actions, and ways to improve the world. All of it. Difficult thoughts of self-worth and demotivation plagued me, yet amidst my gloom, the sciences became mesmerizing to me. At the end of the first semester, my grade veered closer and closer to an F, reigniting my parents’ and my own frustrations. I realized that this was not just another hardship I would have to endure, but one I felt the need to overcome and conquer. In truth, this was a new feeling for me; success had its appeal, yet the beliefs that I was capable and that I could improve were not ones I held prior. I worked harder, dedicated my time to it, and pushed myself to reach out for help and learn proper studying techniques. I had discovered a new reason to keep going and try my best, even if I could not always succeed. This led me to stay after school for hours and try again and again at failed labs, query for clarifications on topics I had not quite understood, and for once put my all into setting myself up for success. But even then, I miscalculated and misidentified plenty. Even a year prior, this bout would have made me completely give up and sulk, but it only drove me to get better. I deal a lot with my mental health and constant bouts of anxiety and depression. Despite my frequent lack of motivation and constant thoughts of worry, I try my best to remain collected and push myself past it. However, it can make this really difficult, and make it feel like I’m just trudging through the day at times. I’ve gotten better, but it is still a daily struggle. Even though I have finished that class years ago now, I still find myself constantly driven to succeed and push past the boundaries I felt were set due to my anxiety and depression. While I was able to come to this conclusion, I recognize that some people are not so easily driven or passionate for life. This, I completely understand. While I am not saying I never struggle anymore--I still struggle plenty--I have found my ways of overcoming and/or enduring my life in a way where I can find myself successful. I have been able to support my friends and family by offering a helping hand, but I feel that this scholarship could boost me into a place where my voice could be louder, my impact could be larger, and I feel that I could do my advocacy for helping those with mental health challenges more justice.