For people fighting a mental illness, simple tasks become a bit more difficult. Well, a bit is quite an understatement. I fight against anxiety, OCD, and depression every single day. I use a variety of different methods to cope, making it easier for me to live my life, although the negative thoughts still scrape their gnarled fingers across my brain. Mental illness changes you as a person and teaches you resilience, courage, and most importantly, how to fight back.
I've never been punched in the face, but I think it would feel like nothing compared to the punches anxiety throws. Questioning every single thing you think, do, or say takes quite a toll on a person. I constantly feel that I am doing something wrong. The voice nags me, telling me I am hurting someone, not feeling like I'm enough, or convincing me I am a burden. I have learned to tell this voice to shut up, but not without a great struggle.
During my sophomore year, I could barely leave my bed, let alone the house. It was easier, to just exist on my own rather than to try to deal with the anxiety I felt every time I even considered going out. As a 15-year-old girl, staying confined to my room meant little to no social life, but I didn't care. It was easier than stirring up my cruel mind. This was not the high school experience that I had wanted for myself, but it was comfortable. Fortunately, I have two parents who would not let me lose the battle. I began therapy, and medication, both of which I was incredibly fearful of as I didn't want to be perceived as weak. It was embarrassing, right? To be so unhappy when I have so much. I am an athlete with a loving family and supportive friends. I should be content with my life. Little did I know, I was doing the bravest thing I think I have ever done. That's one of the many stigmas with mental illness. Anyone can suffer regardless of their situation, which is something a lot of people don't understand. On top of that, asking for and receiving help is not something people should be ashamed of. These commonalities within our society are why so many people suffer in silence.
I hate the number 6. I also hate improper grammar, germs, and the color blue. At first, I thought these were just average pet peeves, but once I started becoming hyperfocused on such minuscule things, I realized they were more than just a simple irritation. While I always knew I had anxiety, I wasn't aware of my OCD until later on. Typically these illnesses are a package deal, so I wasn't necessarily surprised with my diagnosis, I just became more observant of my behaviors and habits.
I am planning to wear a royal blue dress to prom. I recall when shopping for my dress, blue was the last color I wanted. There were these connotations that I would get within my brain with certain colors and numbers. For blue, I thought if I wore it I would have a bad day. Blue is a saddening color, the color of depression. This means, if I wear blue I will have a day full of tears. I fully and truly believed this. For months, I would avoid the color blue, not wanting to risk the possibility of having a sad day. Slowly I started trying to expose myself more and more to color. I remember being late to school on several occasions as I kept changing my shirt over and over because I wanted to fight my OCD, but didn't want something bad to happen to me. To someone without this illness, it may seem irrational. Just wear the shirt, they might say, it's just a color. They don't understand that OCD has the power to make you fully believe something bad will happen just because of a silly little color. By wearing that color, I sapped away the strength of my OCD. Even though it was hard for me, once I got over the initial fear, I found myself having a good day, despite the color I was wearing. This is obsessive-compulsive disorder. Having to wash your hands every time you touch something that even has the slightest possibility of being contaminated, counting anything and everything until it lands on a number that feels right, and thinking that something as small as a color, can determine the occurrence of horrible things. Someone may joke they have OCD just because they like things neat and tidy. Believe me, there is a massive difference.
These mental illnesses often lead to the awful disease known as depression. This monster sucks everything out of you, leaving the feeling of hopelessness. It swallows you with a lack of motivation and will to live. Luckily, for me, I have had so much support to beat this guy up, but so many people go without guidance. They feel selfish, or burdening, or scared to reach out. A lot of teens may not have anyone they feel safe enough to go to. It is so scary. To be haunted by the feeling that you don't want to be alive anymore. Sadly, I think almost everyone has gone to this dark place at a time in their life. I am so grateful I have had the support system to shut depression down, and I hope that every other person struggling with the fight has someone they can count on.
Everyone faces adversity at some point in their life. Unfortunately, for those with mental illnesses, adversity instantly becomes a whole lot harder. My life has been drastically changed by my anxiety, OCD, and depression. Rather than dwell on all the negative aspects they contributed, I like to focus on the positive. I have grown greatly, learning how to ask for help, and how to deal with inner struggle. I am stronger than an illness.