Figuring out I was gay and coming to terms with it was a longer journey than I would have liked it to have been. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, guilt, and then finally acceptance; It took every stage of grief as if I was mourning the loss of my "straight self". As I've gotten older, I have started to question this idea of who my "straight self" really was. I see it now as this amalgamation of media, religion, and the pressures of society telling me the perfect life is to be straight-- while being gay is “strange” and “sinful”. From my brother taunting me with the word gay to my dream of being in a High school musical relationship, I was cultivating exactly what society wanted me to be, cookie-cutter straight. Even though I knew I was different from the other boys: an artist with no interest in trucks, video games, or even girls-- I was convinced straight was what I had to be. Every bit of media I consumed was just another straight love story or a trope that pushed heterosexual norms that I ate right up. That was apart from the shows I snuck in between my favorite Disney channel series: Project Runway and America's Next Top Model. These grown-up shows, ironically centered around the female body, were the first bit of queer representation I saw. Although it was probably not the best influence for me, I saw myself in those creatives-- Miss J, Tim Gunn, the artists— these queer men, women, and non-binary people being apologetically themselves in their personality and their art. I aspired to have that confidence. I've wanted to be an artist my whole life. Being gay had just naturally drawn me to Disney; waiting every single day of my life for my dreams to come true... to be comfortable in my own skin. This love of Disney and art had grown into dreams of working there. I’ve dreamt of working on movies that impact people. Moving art that will move people. But, my whole life I've seen other people's stories being told. I've tried to use my imagination to put myself in the shoes of that main character but it's never felt right. It's never felt real. I try to shape my dreams around these straight characters, imagine a prince finding my glass shoe. But I have accepted that I've spent too much of my life trying to conform... so I would then try to find queer stories to inspire me. It was like trying to look for the needle in the haystack of tragedies, coming out stories that felt more like thrillers, characters with toxic friends, parental abandonment, and predatory love. How am I supposed to form a healthy view of myself and future relationships when this is all I can consume? How do other gay people deal with this? Especially gay people of color. There are gay men out there searching for love in confused straight men, young gay kids searching for affection online from predatory men, couples who find it okay to model their relationships over unhealthy stereotypes on screen. The issues of representation of the lgbtq+ community, these dangers that a lack of representation or misrepresentation can have on the community (and the greater society), have become a driving force in my dreams and my vision for what the future of the entertainment industry can be. I not only dream of making art as a living, but I also dream of making change. I dream that I could one day be able to tell my stories and the stories of others. I want to cut through the harmful stereotypes and the dangerous tropes that negatively influence impressionable minds. I dream to create meaningful stories about the life and love of the lgbtq community that I didn't have when I was little. Whether it be in a major animation studio or with a small yet strong team of creative; I want to help create a movie that positively represents a gay couple and other lgbtq characters to be the best possible foundation for the life of kids like me. A scholarship like this could help me go to an art school outside my state, immersing me in a diverse environment and a well rounded education in the arts.

It's been a long journey to discover that I'm gay. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, guilt, and then finally acceptance; It took every stage of grief as if I was mourning the loss of my "straight self". As I've gotten older, I have started to question this idea of who my "straight self" really was. I see it now as this amalgamation of media, religion, and the pressures of society telling me the perfect life is to be straight-- while being gay is strange and sinful. From my brother taunting me with the word gay to my dream of being in a High school musical relationship, I was cultivating exactly what society wanted me to be, cookie-cutter straight. Even though I knew I was different from the other boys, an artist with no interest in trucks, video games, or even girls-- I was convinced straight was what I should be. Every bit of media I consumed was just another straight love story or a trope that pushed heterosexual norms that I ate right up. That was apart from the shows I snuck in between my favorite Disney channel series: Project Runway and America's Next Top Model. These grown-up shows, ironically centered around the female body, were the first bit of queer representation I saw. Although it was probably not the best influence for me, I saw myself in those creatives-- these queer men, women, and non-binary people being apologetically themselves in their personality and their art. I've wanted to be an artist my whole life, and being gay has just naturally drawn me to Disney. After all, I was waiting every single day of my life for my dreams to come true... to be comfortable in my own skin. This love of Disney had grown into dreams of working there. I dream of working on movies that impact people. Moving art that will move people. But, my whole life I've seen other people's stories being told. I've tried to use my imagination to put myself in the shoes of that main character but it's never felt right. It's never felt real. I try to shape my dreams around these straight characters, imagine a prince finding my glass shoe. But I have accepted that I've spent too much of my life trying to conform... so I would try to find queer stories to inspire me. I try to look for the needle in the haystack of tragedies, coming out stories that felt like thrillers, characters with toxic friends, parental abandonment, and predatory love. How am I supposed to form a healthy view of myself and future relationships when this is all I can consume? How do other gay people deal with this? Especially gay people of color. There are gay men out there searching for love in confused straight men, young gay kids searching for affection online from predatory men, couples who find it okay to model their relationships over unhealthy stereotypes on screen. The issues of representation of the lgbtq+ community, these dangers that a lack of representation or misrepresentation can have on the community (and the greater society), have become a driving force in my dreams. I dream to create. I dream to tell my stories and the stories of others. I want to cut through the harmful stereotypes and the dangerous tropes that negatively influence impressionable minds. I dream to create meaningful stories about the life and love of the lgbtq community that didn't have when I was little. Whether it be in a major animation studio or with a small yet strong team of creative; I want to help create a movie that positively represents a gay couple and other lgbtq characters to be the best possible foundation for the life of kids like me.