A Letter to a Survivor Dear Destiny, I know right now you think your life is falling apart and going down a path you feared for so long. I’m here to tell you that things do get better. I don’t mean to sound cliche, I’m being completely honest. I want you to know how incredibly strong you are for still being here. Listen to these words, I believe you. I know you’re blaming yourself for what happened and you’re still trying to make sense of what he did to you. You don’t want to say the word, you don’t want to call your childhood friend that. The word is rape, you were raped, and Ashlee, your ‘friend’ since first grade, is a rapist. Before you were raped, you would hear that word and picture a creepy old man in a white van, the reality is even scarier. 90% of rapes are committed by someone you know. I’m here to tell you it’s not your fault, you’re not a tease, you were never unclear, you were taken advantage of. You did your part by saying no, he chose not to listen, so stop blaming yourself. Right now you’re refusing to tell anyone, you think that no one will understand, you think you’ll be judged for what he did to you. You’re telling yourself “I didn’t kick and scream, so I brought this upon myself,” NO, you didn’t. The longer you live in denial, refusing to use the word and blaming yourself, the more you’ll believe that. It was never your fault. Someone you trusted incredibly and cared for tremendously betrayed you and shattered your universe. No matter what it was or how it happened, please remember, it was not your fault. I’m sorry that you had to put on a brave face in front of others while your mind was screaming, your stomach in knots and tears permanently behind your eyes, always ready to come flooding out. I’m sorry that you had to cry in the privacy of your shower after it happened, scrubbing your skin to erase any trace and memory of what happened that day. I’m sorry you felt like you had to keep hanging out with Ashlee and your brother, his best friend, and act like you were okay when all you wanted to do was take your life. I’m sorry that you went weeks without telling a soul, having it eat away at your sanity. I’m sorry that you blame yourself for not fighting hard enough, not screaming loud enough. I’m sorry that you grew up thinking chastity meant holiness, which is why you are so scared to tell your parents. I’m sorry that you saw your life fall apart before it even started. I’m sorry that you think no one will ever want you or respect you. I’m sorry that you think you’re not worthy of the dreams you once had. I’m sorry that you think a piece of you now belongs to someone who you didn’t even love, someone you weren’t even in a relationship with. I’m sorry that you now have trust issues and feel like all men just want to rape you. I’m sorry that you fear men now. I’m sorry that you feel like a slut and a tease. I’m sorry that you felt like your world was ending every day, but you couldn’t tell anyone. I’m sorry that your biggest fear actually happened to you. I’m sorry that you were so incredibly alone. It hasn’t even been two months since he raped you, but you’ve already come so far. It took you a while to realize that you were never really alone, when you finally tell someone your life starts to fall back into place. You feel your sanity slowly start to return and you realize all those things you were feeling weren’t true. You are not a slut, you are a marvelous and magnificently strong woman. Don’t be afraid to tell your story, scream it from the rooftops if you want to. Take your life back and do what you want. Don’t ever let anyone take control of your life again, stand firm and protect yourself. I’m so incredibly proud of how strong you are. I love you tremendously.

“The success of every woman should be the inspiration to another. We should raise each other up. Make sure you’re very courageous: be strong, be extremely kind, and above all be humble.” Serena Williams. This quote is extremely motivational to me because it comes from one successful minority woman to another minority woman who WILL become successful. I don't only want to be successful, I want to be influential and inspirational.

The first two pictures probably don't scream BOLD to you, but to everyone who knows me, they do. I am a woman of few fears, but the most significant one is my thalassophobia. I have an insane and unexplainable fear of the ocean and ocean animals. You can see the fear in my eyes and the fake smile I plastered on for my parent's photo op. The last picture seems like it would be more nerve-wracking than the first two, but it was the opposite. Even when I was younger I enjoyed living life on the edge and being BOLD.

My life feels like one big identity crisis. My mom is from Germany and my dad is from India. We all immigrated here back in 2008 but even before moving to America, life was hard as a minority. I grew up in Germany and knowing its history I ALWAYS felt out of place. I was a small hairy brown girl growing up around the “Aryan race”. When we moved to America I thought things would get better, spoiler alert, they got worse. I moved here barely knowing any English and felt out of place all over again. Growing up in America meant that I have to constantly hear racist comments disguised as ‘jokes’ like “are you the 7/11 type of brown or the 9/11 brown?” I tried to hide my anger and frustration because I knew if the kids saw my anger they’d ask “aww, are you going blow up the school?” As I went into high school blatantly racist comments like that weren’t said to me as much. But I still didn’t fit in. I saw this tweet that said, “the reason as to why brown girls don’t have a racial preference is because all of them know what it’s like to not be a part of one.” I broke down in tears after I read that because it’s so devastatingly true. My crushes at school would call me “Chewbacca” or ask me why I don’t shave my arms or even compare their arm hair to mine saying “Woah your hair is longer than mine.” On a daily basis, I would catch someone staring at my arm hair, now you’ll rarely see me with a short sleeve shirt on. Being mixed made things even harder. I didn’t fit in with the Indian kids and definitely not with the German kids. Though these hardships aren’t ideal, they did shape me into the amazing woman I am today. I love being unique, I still don’t know where I belong but I’m finding my way. I’m hoping college will bring me to the RIGHT people so I can finally feel like a part of something.