Mental health and mental illness have made a significant impact on my life. As the youngest child of my inner family, I've always had this monotonous sensation of sensitivity towards the majority of derogatory words that were thrown at me. My older siblings simply told me that I couldn't be sensitive, and my friends told me that I should always rebuttal back. The most devastating tendency that I had was allowing the atrocious occurrences of my past to affect my triumph of resilience in the present and onwards. All the personal wrongdoings, foreign conflicts, and internal struggles amassed into a dreadful conglomeration of negativity that made me feel suicidal a couple of times while combatting what I was going through.
When my parents got divorced in 2016 when I was only 12 years of age, I felt very anxious and uncertain about how my parents were going to cope with the loss and go on their separate ways. My father had broken down into tears after the climactic argument between him and my mom that caused the initiation of the divorce to undergo. Since I never witnessed my Dad in this emotional state, I felt very concerned for his mental health from there on out. I had to move to Allentown, Pennsylvania with my mother and older sister to remain with them and get accustomed to living in another state. I had lived in New York City my whole life up to that point, and the transition wasn't easy.
We didn’t even have internet service for months since we couldn’t afford it. In addition to our financial struggles, it was tough to get school supplies and general necessities that me and my family needed. I was able to get a phone eventually, but the service couldn’t be paid for. I had to walk 30 minutes to a nearby aunt’s house every day for school so that she could drive us there, even under less-than-ideal weather conditions. I felt isolated, in a new town where I had to make new friends and start a new life.
My mother has had 3 partners in her life after the divorce, two of which are now gone because of jealousy and selfishness. The third partner she got with ended up being the most aggressive and bipolar of the three. There was one heavily snowed winter when I got scolded by her third partner with hellacious words that insulted my masculinity, all because of not being able to shovel snow in time while I was eating breakfast in a peaceful mood. I felt utterly emasculated and unsure about the true meaning of being a man. The significance of being a man is a very complicated topic, so much so to the point where certain men abuse their masculinity in toxic manners or they fight valiantly to discover their own idealistic definition of what it means to be a man. My mother's third partner was without a doubt one of those abusive men in my mind. It was over 3 years later after that event when he was prescribed by doctors to utilize marijuana to control and maintain his sanity. I miraculously endured and persevered through many traumatic events between the time of the divorce and the present day in which I am typing this essay.
The instability continued but eventually ran out. We went from one house to another until finally settling on a tiny row house in a corner. It was within walking distance from my school and family members. It had a backyard with a front and back porch. We painted it, and my mom planted dozens of flower bushes on the side. I loved it. For the first time in a while, I felt like I had a natural place to call home. The hardships I and my family faced in the previous years allowed me to do some deep reflection. I strived to keep my family happy through good grades. I got a hold of a planner, I learned how to stay organized and take detailed notes. In a sense, these hardships along with feelings of isolation allowed me to become way more introspective. It helped me focus on gaining skills and bettering myself.
Through involvement, I gained confidence, which made me make deeper connections with my teachers. It inspired me to offer help to the local community through extracurricular activities at school like the Key Club and the National Honor Society. Within the Key Club, I performed community service through park clean-ups, toy drives, food drives, and school decorations. I became an officer/service coordinator for the NHS. For every monthly NHS meeting, I woke up with a disciplined mentality to be present at school at 6:30 AM. This early bird commitment is not easy, especially in the colder months. My limbs and respiratory pathways were so cold that they often felt paralyzed and internally damaged. Nevertheless, the grit and tenacious willpower I exhibited propelled me to do what I knew was best for me in the long run. All of these milestones have helped me transform myself into the person that I am today.
As the only male in my house, and the majority of its inhabitants being women, discovering my ideal persona of masculinity was considerably challenging. The culmination of negativity that I had gone through taught me something. That I shouldn't worry about or feel insecure about my masculinity as it is irrelevant in regards to long-term success, and that the profanity of the past is an absolute hinderance and nuisance for my tenacious determination and diligence to excel and transition into the next phase of my life as I go to college. Another thing that I've learned from all of the above is that your mind can either be your best friend or your worst enemy. As I recollected all of my affirmative resolutions and let go of the detrimental psychological setbacks, my purpose for living became much more apparent, and this essay is proof of that.