As soon as 5th grade year there was noticeable changes in my personality and work ethic. Certain times of year would have a negative impact in grades or social interactions. It only grew worse as years progressed. 8th grade was when social anxiety really entered my life. That was a very new and scary time. As a young child I was very active and social, there was never a time when I was quiet. No adult that I wouldn’t speak to. I loved preforming with sports, every eye being on me made me better. To going into freshman year of high school I was silent, every look made gave me pain in my chest. Wouldn’t say a word without it being necessary. No one knew what was going on in my head and I was grateful for that. I had many friends and family that loved me and supported me unconditionally. Yet I was still sad and hiding all of my emotions from everyone. Nobody knew me, which seemed like a blessing but turned into a curse. It formed relationships of dishonesty, time bombs just waiting to blow up. Then when they did one by one. Holes of irreversible damage came and all I could do was watch. That turned into me forming my belief system of honesty with communication. Most of what I was struggling with could’ve been helped, if I let it. Learning why I didn’t want the help was a whole other shock, I didn’t think I deserved the help. I was convinced that everyone deserved better than to have to deal with me. Now every relationship I have boundary’s that I know that I deserve being respected. Even when not loving myself I developed a care for others. It was something I was good at, empathy came so naturally. It was almost ironic how I could have so much leeway for others but hatred for myself. Then when starting over on loving myself I had to release my tight strangling grip on helping others. My career wants went to nothing, people would ask and I would make up a random answer. After rediscovering myself, it all became so bright and clear what I was meant to do. I needed to help other people like me not feel so alone. Nobody deserves to feel like they can’t trust others with who they truly are. Impacting the world is nearly impossible, I won’t be a Steve Harvey or Beyoncé. There will always be someone hurting, I just need to try to help one person. Every one that I can make a little more positive I hope will spread it. Then to have an open conversation with others of how mental health has affected them. The stigma of negativity to be lessened, until there is no stigma. Understanding is my biggest hope to exemplify with my interactions. There is no fix for mental health, only coping and communication of struggles. Maybe create no ticking time bomb, to struggle less than I did. That is my want to do this career. That is my why.

Low self confidence riddled me into a spiral for most of my early teenage years. I want to enter into the mental health field because of how those four year impacted my development. Arriving into High School I always felt behind and as if I was continuously loosing motivation. Coming to learn that anxiety and depression were the cause for that made me feel less alone. I saw myself as less than, like I didn’t deserve kindness or care. It took one Therapist that told me I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t worthless. Problems with mental health never made me less. It was an imbalance in my brain that had nothing to do with me. After these realizations I made a decision to try help for people to never feel like I did. Honesty is very import to me, I promised I would never lie to someone for the sake of making them feel better. Now that doesn’t mean non-kindness, it represents the idea of helping without being using false pretenses. Being a mediator between conflicts with friends and family has become an important part of my life. Mediation is all about understanding and helping to mend. I listen to both sides then help to try to translate emotions that may be felt but aren’t being communicated clearly through words. High emotions likely are shown with anger and frustration. Being one of the people in the conflict causes blindness, an outside view can help to guide out the maze. Adam, my best friend, and Lily, a close friend and his girlfriend, were having severe relationship miscommunications. It all had accumulated to neither of them hearing each other. Adam had shut down and Lily couldn’t see past minor mistakes of Adams. When being the mediator between the two it came down to getting Adam to open up and sharing what he was feeling. He explained things that all came down to self hatred. I offered a suggestion that Adam should let Lily help him to let go. Lily had been communicating that she wanted to be able to reassure the insecurities Adam was having. Showing Adam that growing resentment even with yourself is poison to anything. Then to Lily I said that Adam was shutting down whenever the use of his problems was used against him in an argument. Ultimately I emphasized that this was not one persons fault and that there was no blame. Relationships should be 50/50 even when struggling. And that is what I want to work on as my social issue. Letting mental health to be normalized but not to be used as a blame. Struggle may still be there but learning to live and accept it may make life to be a little less difficult. Now that is hard to address without a degree and that is why I’m so passionate about pursuing college. I don’t want to glamorize the struggle, I still have hard days too. Three steps forward and one step back. Yet every hard day lets me be more present in the good days. I wouldn’t want to be any one else.