From the time I was twelve, I was on anti-depressants. My years in ballet and the competitive nature of the sport caused some very unreal expectations that I placed on my life. The tendency to compare myself to others while simultaneously dealing with what I later identified as Impostor Syndrome created a maelstrom of mental health issues that were a nasty battle to deal with throughout my formative years.
My parents were conscientious when it came to therapy and counseling. I had to have been the only teenager I knew who had mastered every breathing technique known to man as well as sensory therapy, hypnotherapy, and other techniques for coping with anxiety and depression. My sophomore year of high school offered me a bit of an epiphany. I could continue to allow my own mental handicaps to prevent me from truly living, or I could use what I had learned in therapy to raise my quality of life and go after things I had always wanted to do no matter how badly my depression or anxiety tried to intervene.
I think I became so determined to overcome my issues, I went overboard, auditioning for everything like show choir, dance teams, and plays. I also participated in school clubs and service after school to force myself into situations where I actually had to talk to people. My biggest fear came from singing in front of others. So, naturally, I tried to sing at any event that would have me just so I could get over it.
As I found my true passion in life, that of writing and publishing, I realized I would have to face another aspect of Impostor Syndrome that would constantly plague me. Every time I write a novel and publish it, the self-doubt kicks in. The anxiety and depression mount. It's a battle to live your dreams and pursue your goals when the little voice in your head is constantly at odds with your own personal self-worth.
There are many things I have learned during this lifelong battle against mental health, but two things stand out the most.
1. Self-love is the hardest thing to achieve in this life and the most crucial ability to master when battling mental health.
2. I'm absolutely not alone in this fight.
Three years ago, I was in a pretty good spot mentally and emotionally. I was a successful writer, entrepreneur, mother, and wife. Life was hard but good, and I was happy. Then, due to circumstances outside my control, my spouse made decisions that ended our marriage, and I was thrown into a mental tailspin that I nearly failed to overcome.
A year into that debacle, I was visiting my parents' house with my kids, still trying to figure out how to handle things financially, feeling empty and hollow on a creative level, and unable to finish my last book in my series for my fans. I was tapped out on every level, and homeschooling the kids due to COVID had also added to the strain.
I don't think I'd realized how bad things had gotten until I was sitting in my bedroom with a bottle of pills in my hand ready to end everything. It seemed like the most logical, natural solution, something that would be best for everyone. Obviously, it was insane, but at that moment I can admit to having absolutely lost my mind.
Then a dear friend texted me to let me know I was loved. She described moments when I had helped her and talked about how she had pulled through because I had been there for her and understood her. It was enough to snap me out of whatever insanity and gripped me. It was also time to get more help.
All of this to explain how my battle with mental health has shaped my goals, relationships, and understanding of the world...
Let's go back to the two things I mentioned previously. Self-love is key to any success when it comes to goals, relationships, and understanding within this world. The cliched phrase that loving yourself is crucial to loving others is sage wisdom since mental and emotional health is driven by personal worth and acceptance. Without this self-love, others have the power to determine our worth for us, dragging us down so far that suicide may seem like the only answer.
As I sat in that room, staring at those pills, and reading my friend's text, I had to tell myself that even if my husband had failed to see my worth, that didn't mean it didn't exist. It meant I had to see it. I had to know it, embrace it, and recognize that I had something to offer this world. I had kids who needed me, family and friends who loved me, and people in this world who reminded me daily that I was not alone.
We are not alone in this, and we need to stick around and help others so they can achieve their goals, enjoy fulfilling relationships, and see the world as full of possibilities rather than a world filled with heartache and pain.
It's still a battle every day, but the love I finally feel for myself, the acceptance I have finally been able to offer myself has led to success in my professional life, patience and understanding in my relationships, and more empathy and compassion for everyone else in this world.
At the end of the day, we're all just trying to do the best we can with what life has thrown at us, and I think self-love followed by love and acceptance of others is key to navigating mental health issues and helping those who struggle with it.