I’ve gone to church all my life. I used to hate it, but with time it’s come to be the most important thing in my life. If you’ve ever been to a church, or any Christian or religious person, you’ve probably heard phrases like “God first” or “Jesus above it all." I’ve found that they’re not kidding. Another thing that I find very interesting is psychology and the human brain. In fact, I’m a psychology major. My shift in mindset, and likely also the trajectory of my life have become wildly different since following Jesus. Believing in God was never an issue for me. The issue for a long time was that I didn’t care. I found church boring and I despised going to Sunday school and Wednesday night Awana. I hated all the games and being a very socially anxious kid, I didn’t have any friends. In elementary school I can’t quite say I was going down a dark path as there wasn’t too much for me to be upset about, but I do think I definitely could have if nothing changed. Selective mutism and social anxiety not only affected my social life, but it affected my passion, my motivation, and excitement about anything outside my comfort zone. My parents were very involved in my life. And they were determined to help me to a point where I could speak freely. But the problem was that I was not determined. Sometimes I would comply under pressure, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t care. The only one that could make me want to live up to my potential is Jesus. My change in mindset when it came to Church and faith is a mix of a bit more maturity and getting to attend youth group rather than Sunday school. I came to know him and realized he is the reason I have worth. And why I have an endless amount of it. Jesus was crucified to pay for my sin. My voice and my perspective are absolutely important. This not only changed the way I see myself but also others. Sure I might dislike someone, but they are another soul that the son of God chose to die for. I now live my life for Jesus. I never mean to look down on anyone but I notice many differences between my life and the lives of others who don’t believe in Jesus, even close friends who have very similar circumstances to me. I love life more, I appreciate every opportunities, and notice so many small pieces of beauty. Faith doesn’t erase your problems, but it gives you peace despite them and a promise of a life in the future that’s free of burdens. That’s enough to keep me going, and to keep me motivated.

When someone tells you they want to be a teacher, they'll usually have a story about how they’ve dreamed about being a teacher since they were a little kid. I however, am not one of those people. I in fact did not want to be a teacher because I hated school. However in the last few years, I’ve realized that my hatred for school and the public education system as a whole could actually really strengthen me as an educator. I used to use that as my reason for why I wouldn’t want to be a teacher, but maybe my own experience is exactly why I should be a teacher. I have empathy, passion, and understanding that some people don’t and that some could never have. My main issue with school is just the system as a whole. It’s not set up to help kids succeed; it’s basically made to kill their spark and essentially train them to be mindless workers. The course work is challenging, but usually not in an encouraging way. Students can be looked down upon or even punished if they don’t meet certain benchmarks. In the lower grades the material is usually not even developmentally appropriate. There’s nothing I can do to single-handedly fix the public school system; however, I can make it better for a select group of kids. I can make them feel safe, I can encourage them, and I can teach in ways that accommodate more students. I want to make sure that they all understand that they are smart and they are valuable, whether or not that's in academics. Another reason I think I would make a good teacher is because of my own childhood. I grew up with selective mutism, and I always went to school in fight-or-flight mode and barely ever made a sound. This made everything harder academically and socially. No one fully knew how to approach the situation or how to help me, and I wouldn’t have known what to tell them anyway. The people I really appreciated were the ones who always maintained patience, genuinely appreciated my presence, and never made me feel guilty. As I get older, I sometimes wish I had more gratitude back then for the role that my teachers played in my growth. They always believed in me and pushed me towards my goals. However, I’m kind of glad I didn’t notice how amazing they were back then. I think that should be the average teacher. Perfection is impossible, but every teacher should have that authentic and patient kind of care for their students. In child development and education classes, it’s always emphasized that when you greet a student, it’s important to get on their level. However, they sometimes forget to mention that this is important in all regards. You always need to meet a student where they are. I want to be a teacher because adults are constantly failing kids. Like I said, I can’t singlehandedly fix the school system, and I can’t change the life of every child. But for a select group of students, I can be the adult that pours time into them, the adult who truly wants to be there, and the one that helps them realize that they are valuable beyond letters and numbers.

I’m still not ready to commit to a lifelong career, but I now know that I want to work with children. I plan to start as an elementary school teacher. Working with kids has enlightened me and made me a better person in ways that I can’t describe; I’ve never gotten more fulfillment from anything else. On top of that, as an intern, I’ve gotten a fresh and reformed perspective on what goes on in the public school system, and after that, it almost seems selfish not to choose this as a career. Some people would be hesitant to work in a system that they don’t approve of, but kids deserve adults who want to create the best possible experience for them. Growing up in public school was very hard for me. I had selective mutism and anxiety, so I always felt kind of out of place. I also never felt particularly smart simply because I don’t perform well on tests. What makes me even angrier is that my case wasn’t the worst-case scenario. There are kids that are bullied or feel less than others because of their disabilities or setbacks; some people are also just intelligent in ways that a school system can’t recognize, and those people are often told that they won’t make it anywhere in life. My main goal as a teacher would be to make every child feel seen and make them each aware that they’re special. So many of us look back and remember having so much fun in our early school years and getting to be so much more creative, but in reality the indoctrination of work values starts early. I worked with kindergarteners this past year, and I was shocked that they were expected just to sit for hours on end and listen and then perfectly and quickly do their assignments. All value was put in academics and efficiency. Those with academic talents were praised above everyone else. In fact, many artistic and creative talents and out-of-the-box ideas were discouraged. I don’t want to teach kids this shallow and narrow-minded viewpoint. There is life outside of work, there is value in everyone, and not everything needs to be boring and monotonous. Kids should be able to keep that sense of magic and excitement and hope for life for as long as possible. In order to pursue this career, I’ve already set so many of my fears and doubts in the past, and I’m giving up my own comfort, putting in all my effort, and bringing out the best parts of myself. Considering my history with mental illness, my younger self probably wouldn’t guess that I’d be at this point and pursuing this career, but I believe that it has actually made me the perfect fit. I won’t deny that it’s hard, but it’s hard in an easy kind of way. If I can simply make a few sacrifices in order to be life-changing to someone else, that would be totally worth it.

I grew up going to church every Sunday. There is the misconception that this automatically made me a Christian. Although I am grateful for my upbringing and the faith that my parents have, I still had to find God for myself. I went to both Sunday school on Sunday mornings and Awana on Wednesday nights. For a long time I found it very boring and also got nothing out of it. I tried for a long time to get my parents to at least let me skip Awana, but they wouldn’t budge. I had already decided that when I grew up, I wouldn’t be going to church. However, I wasn’t just being a brat about it. It was actually particularly stressful for me. I grew up with selective mutism and social anxiety, so I just couldn’t comfortably participate in reading verses or playing games. Even though my parents tried to be supportive, they sometimes voiced their frustration, which made me feel guilty for feeling out of place, despite that being out of my control. They just weren’t getting the outcome that they wanted, and I was living off of my parents faith and not my own. I never really knew Jesus until fifth grade when I started to go to youth group. You could tell at first glance that this was a special place. It was about so much more than memorizing Bible verses and keeping us busy with meaningless games. The leaders made the effort to love us each as individuals, they met us where we were at, and they truly wanted to teach us. I came to know the gospel as the truth and to not only know Jesus as a savior, but as my savior. This was an incredible shift in mindset, but the hard part about it was that I realized I couldn’t keep living the way that I was. I couldn’t live in my isolating silence, just watching everything happen from the side. I was living without direction and purpose. I found that I had an impact to make, and God was the one who pushed me to do so. Since I’ve started having these realizations, I’ve made better connections, taken more chances, been in performances, and volunteered my time. The main thing I’ve found my purpose in is working with kids. I’m constantly inspired by their pure hearts, curious minds, and excitement for life. I also feel like I’ve been able to make a difference for kids like me that just don't quite fit in with the crowd. However, through volunteering in kindergarten classrooms, I realize how little these traits are valued and how little effort is put into each individual. It feels like society is just constantly waiting for them to grow up and be like us, when in reality, it’s us that need to learn from them. I believe my role will be to encourage these parts of them and to try to love them the same way that Jesus would. With that determination and creativity, along with proper support, they can truly make the most out of their lives and their education. God has also caused me to shift my mindset about my mental illness. Growing up, I viewed it as some kind of curse. It was really hard to see other kids easily making friends, having more fun than me, and getting to do performances without fear, but it’s made me see everything as a privilege and has helped me appreciate every little moment and opportunity. While many of my peers have started losing sight of what’s important to them and sometimes lack passion for what they do, I stay late at rehearsals with no complaints, make my relationships my priority, and put all my effort into the children that I work with. I am also very excited for college. I’m excited for a fresh start, new people to learn from and teach, incredible opportunities, and new things to learn. I think one of the most special things about me is my relatability and my understanding of people. I know what it’s like to feel left out; I know what it’s like not to fit in; I know what it’s like to feel useless and stupid, but I also know that these feelings were all temporary and don’t define me anymore. I want to help others realize this. I want to meet them where they are at and help them become the best versions of themselves.

I’ve had selective mutism as long as I can remember. By that I don’t mean I was kinda shy and a little scared to talk to people. If the school was on fire I probably would have been burned alive because I wouldn’t be able to scream for help. Thankfully my social abilities have improved to the point where I can function somewhat normally, but I notice now how much it’s changed the way Ive grown up and the relationships that I have .600 words can’t fully explain my experience, but I will try my best. I don’t know how I was diagnosed. I could ask, but I think the fact that I don’t know says everything. I’ve never known life any other way. However The other aspects of my life are very normal. I know there are misconceptions, but I did not experience a traumatic event and I had mentally healthy parents and a stable home life. Aside from being affected by this rare disorder I am a very average person with a very normal upbringing. I spoke normally at home and without thinking about why, didn’t make a sound after being dropped off at school. In order to help me, my parents would reward me with things I wanted whenever I would reach some sort of communication goal. This included whispering to my friend or raising my hand for help or ordering my own food. These did help me improve, I just felt stupid when I couldn’t reach them right away. I sometimes didn’t feel like my effort was appreciated enough and always felt misunderstood. But through some kind of mix between encouragement from family and friends, my own ambition, and Gods voice saying there’s more out there for me, I kept going. It’s also been really helpful for me to cope through forms of creative expression. Although I’ve gotten to a point where I’m viewed as more normal, selective mutism and social anxiety are very isolating. It wasn’t so much when I was younger; The only criticism I would get was an occasional comment like “Why are you so quiet?” Or “Why don’t you just say something?” Now that I’m older I still don’t receive much judgment, but everyone has established their lives without me. Hardly anyone tries to be my friend or even talk to me and when they do I tend to scare them away with my lack of social skills. I now only have a few close friends and haven’t made a new one since middle school. In most social settings I just feel out of place Going to college includes everyone scattering to different parts of the world and feeling lost with their new beginnings. I see college as a fresh start and a time to present myself differently. Since I’ve missed out on the typical school experience, it’s really important for me to have that in college. Additionally I have a lot to offer people. I haven’t decided exactly what I want to do yet but I think I have enough normality for others to relate to but can also relate to people in unique positions like mine and make them feel seen and less alone. Lastly, I won’t take my experience for granted. I know some people don’t see milestones like this as a big deal because so many accomplish them. It took me so much extra effort and I never got the typical experience that has been waved in front of my face for so long. I can’t wait to see what happens now that I have the opportunity.

I’ve had selective mutism as long as I can remember. By that I don’t mean I was kinda shy and a little scared to talk to people. If the school was on fire I probably would have been burned alive because I wouldn’t be able to scream for help. Thankfully my social abilities have improved to the point where I can function somewhat normally, but I notice now how much it’s changed the way Ive grown up and the relationships that I have .600 words can’t fully explain my experience, but I will try my best. I don’t know how I was diagnosed. I could ask, but I think the fact that I don’t know says everything. I’ve never known life any other way. However The other aspects of my life are very normal. I know there are misconceptions, but I did not experience a traumatic event and I had mentally healthy parents and a stable home life. Aside from being affected by this rare disorder I am a very average person with a very normal upbringing. I spoke normally at home and without thinking about why, didn’t make a sound after being dropped off at school. In order to help me, my parents would reward me with things I wanted whenever I would reach some sort of communication goal. This included whispering to my friend or raising my hand for help or ordering my own food. These did help me improve, I just felt stupid when I couldn’t reach them right away. I sometimes didn’t feel like my effort was appreciated enough and always felt misunderstood. But through some kind of mix between encouragement from family and friends, my own ambition, and Gods voice saying there’s more out there for me, I kept going. It’s also been really helpful for me to cope through forms of creative expression. Although I’ve gotten to a point where I’m viewed as more normal, selective mutism and social anxiety are very isolating. It wasn’t so much when I was younger; The only criticism I would get was an occasional comment like “Why are you so quiet?” Or “Why don’t you just say something?” Now that I’m older I still don’t receive much judgment, but everyone has established their lives without me. Hardly anyone tries to be my friend or even talk to me and when they do I tend to scare them away with my lack of social skills. I now only have a few close friends and haven’t made a new one since middle school. In most social settings I just feel out of place Going to college includes everyone scattering to different parts of the world and feeling lost with their new beginnings. I see college as a fresh start and a time to present myself differently. Since I’ve missed out on the typical school experience, it’s really important for me to have that in college. Additionally I have a lot to offer people. I haven’t decided exactly what I want to do yet but I think I have enough normality for others to relate to but can also relate to people in unique positions like mine and make them feel seen and less alone. Lastly, I won’t take my experience for granted. I know some people don’t see milestones like this as a big deal because so many accomplish them. It took me so much extra effort and I never got the typical experience that has been waved in front of my face for so long. I can’t wait to see what happens now that I have the opportunity.

I’ve had selective mutism as long as I can remember. By that I don’t mean I was simply shy. If the school was on fire, I probably would have been burned alive because I wouldn’t be able to scream for help. Thankfully, my social abilities have improved to the point where I can function somewhat normally, but I notice now how much it’s changed the way I've grown up, the relationships that I have, and the person that I have become. I don’t know how I was diagnosed. I could ask, but I think the fact that I don’t know says everything. I’ve never known life any other way. However, the other aspects of my life are very normal. I know there are misconceptions, but I did not experience a traumatic event and I had mentally healthy parents and a stable home life. Aside from being affected by this rare disorder, I am a very average person with a very normal upbringing. I spoke normally at home and without thinking about why, didn’t make a sound after being dropped off at school. In order to help me, my parents would reward me with things I wanted whenever I would reach some sort of communication goal. These goals included whispering to my friend or raising my hand for help or ordering my own food. Although these things forced me out of my comfort zone, it brought me brutal feelings of shame and embarrassment. I always felt misunderstood and felt like my efforts didn’t matter and like they weren’t appreciated. It was really helpful for me to cope and to find my voice through forms of creative expression. Being rewarded with treats and toys only gave me momentary satisfaction and didn’t motivate me to truly desire make change. It all came from pressure and obligation. The main thing that started this shift in mindset was music. It gave me a taste of expression and gave me comfort while also nudging me out of my comfort zone. It shifted my mindset. Improving my social skills was no longer something I had to do just to please my parents, but it was something that was important to me. I also began to feel God's hand more prominently in my life. He gave me the confidence to know I have things to offer this world and I can’t live in this perpetual silence. Although I’ve gotten to a point where I’m viewed as more normal, selective mutism and social anxiety are very isolating. It wasn’t so much when I was younger; The only criticism I would get was an occasional comment like “Why are you so quiet?” Or “Why don’t you just say something?” Now that I’m older I still don’t receive much judgment, but everyone has established their lives without me. Hardly anyone tries to be my friend or even talk to me and when they do, I tend to scare them away with my lack of social skills. In most social settings I just feel out of place. Going to college includes everyone scattering to different parts of the world and feeling lost with their new beginnings. I see college as a fresh start and a time to present myself differently. Since I’ve missed out on the typical school experience, it’s really important for me to have that in college. Additionally, I have a lot to offer people. I haven’t decided exactly what I want to do yet, but I think I have enough normality for others to relate to but can also relate to people in unique positions like mine and make them feel seen and less alone. Lastly, I won’t take my experience for granted. This is the main reason that I’m grateful that I grew up with selective mutism. I know some people don’t see milestones like this as a big deal because so many accomplish them. It took me so much extra effort and I never got the typical experience that has been waved in front of my face for so long. I can’t wait to see what happens now that I have the opportunity.

I grew up with selective mutism. I was never outwardly rejected or referred to as different, but I just never quite fit in the mix. However, I had the most incredible support system that would never give up on me. They never changed their opinion of me and always believed in my talents and my worth. Because of this love and stability I have, I am now in love with so many different possibilities in life and confident about the value that I bring to the world. I know that everyone has something to share, and I just want to help others bring that out of themselves. I haven’t fully decided on a career path yet, but I want to work with children. I want to encourage their curiosity and bright ideas, and I want to squash the teachings of society and the school system and reiterate that life doesn’t have to be so mundane and boring. It shouldn’t be ruled by obligations and expectations. If you weren’t supposed to be yourself and share your unique gifts, why would God make you that way? Some people look at children and barely even see humans. They just see needy and unintelligent beings that don’t have any significant value. They see their innocence and lack of certain abilities as hopelessness or stupidity. I’m very grateful for my ability to see it differently. Some of my most incredible and impactful moments have been spent with young children.   I believe that children have some incredible traits that can never quite be replicated in older people. This is because societal norms and the undeniably screwed-up school system have no appreciation for a youthful mind and don’t even try to preserve this. It’s like they see each kid as a task that they need to get out of their way rather than a person to get to know. I’ve seen this firsthand while interning in kindergarten classrooms. The kids were often given strange reactions for their ideas, robbed of creative freedom, or even told to stop being silly or to tone down their energy. The only difference between this and a high school is the severity of the consequences. I understand that basic manners and kindness are important, but their natural authenticity and genuine excitement should not have to be sacrificed, and they most definitely shouldn't be apologizing for it. My main goal through my career is to be a good role model for children. I will always show them unconditional love, and I will never shame them for being themselves or for expressing an idea. If that childlike spirit could stay alive in more people, I believe this would be a much happier and more successful world.

“Just eat faster! Everyone has to get a brain freeze at some point in their life.” My sister’s nagging voice breaks through as I slowly scoop my ice cream, savoring each bite. I enjoy the soothing sweetness and chill on my tongue as I sit on the curb outside Baskin-Robbins watching cars go by. I’ve missed out on many so-called universal experiences because I’ve always taken things slow. As a child, I was diagnosed with selective mutism, a condition that made it nearly impossible to speak in school or social settings. I felt isolated, my voice trapped, unsure of how to express myself. It was easier to stay silent, even if I had feelings of fear or confusion destroying me on the inside. I didn’t know another way to live; it was all I had ever known. But as I grew older, I began to see how much I was missing. My condition kept me from participating in social activities, volunteering, and performance oppurtunities. My goals always began with: “when I’m older” or “when I grow up,” but time passed, and I realized that I had no real sense of meaning or direction. My faith played a pivotal role in shifting my perspective. I came to understand that Jesus didn’t want me to live a life of isolation or monotony and simply trudge through each day. I realized that I needed to rediscover the ambition I had buried and start pursuing the things I desired. So, I did. I joined choirs, auditioned for plays, volunteered at animal shelters and Sunday schools, and began to experience the freedom of self-expression and connection. Yes, there were awkward and scary moments, but the fulfillment I gained overpowered them greatly I’ve also come to appreciate the benefits of my slow approach. While my peers rushed ahead, chasing after success, they often lost sight of what truly mattered. In their hurry, they missed the joy in the small moments. For me, the slower pace meant I was able to savor the experiences I had, to appreciate every relationship, every performance, and every opportunity. For a long time I felt like I was being left behind, but because I had to wait so long for so many experiences, I am able to fully enjoy and understand what life has to offer. The wait has been a blessing in disguise. I now stay late at choir and play rehearsals with enthusiasm. I pour my love and patience into my work with animals and children. Even when I felt frustrated during a tedious internship training session, I reminded myself how lucky I was to be there. In all of these experiences, I’ve learned how important it is to focus on the relationships and connections that make life meaningful. My support system has always been there for me through the highs and lows, and I now know how to show that same love and appreciation to others. I used to view selective mutism as some kind of curse, but I’ve come to realize that it’s played such a huge role in shaping me. It may have slowed me down, but it also allowed me to develop a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. I’ve learned that ambition and determination are important, but so is taking the time to truly experience life without rushing through it. So, when it comes to eating ice cream, I’ll continue to take it slow, savoring every spoonful. Life itself is a beautiful opportunity and I can’t wait to show others how to embrace it in the same way.

It’s pretty common to hear people say that music has changed their lives. However, my story takes this to a whole new level. I was diagnosed with selective mutism in preschool. This condition hindered my confidence to speak in many social situations, especially school. My parents always supported me and they tried so hard to help me progress in my communication. They took me to several therapists, tried a few medications, and set many goals for me. I would always eventually comply with these goals when the pressure weighed down on me too much, but the small treats and toys I was rewarded only gave me a few minutes of satisfaction and never made it feel worth it. All the praise from my parents went right through my head and all I ended up with was feelings of shame, embarrassment, and hopelessness. By the time I got to my later elementary school years, I truly wanted to give up. I didn’t believe that communication was important enough to sacrifice living a life of comfort. However, in fifth grade, I got the opportunity to play the flute in my school band. I also gained an interest in singing. At first, I just found these activities fun and didn’t think much of it, but they ended up completely shifting my mindset. It first made me realize that I had things to say and feelings to express and how important it was that I did so. It gave me a feeling of freedom that I had never felt before and that I wasn’t willing to let go. Music has been a good way to push me out of my comfort zone, but also to feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin. Throughout the years, I have been part of bands, choirs, plays, voice lessons and guitar lessons. It’s helped me communicate and express myself in ways that I feel proud of and has brought out the truest version of myself. As I got older, I’ve started to build communities through music. I’ve always had a hard time conversing and relating to others, but it feels like all who are passionate about music have some sort of common spirit and emotional tie that brings us all together. Throughout high school, I have thoroughly enjoyed participating in music with others and feeling understood and welcomed while doing so. As you can see, music has not only been an important part of my life, but it has completely changed the course of my life. Wherever my life goes, I have my passion for music to thank. It has put me on the promising path that I am now. And after suffocating in silence for so long, the freedom could not feel any more amazing.

Some people look at children and barely even see humans. They just see needy and unintelligent beings that don’t have any significant value. They see their innocence and lack of certain abilities as hopelessness or stupidity. I’m very grateful for my ability to see it differently. Some of my most incredible and impactful moments have been spent with young children. I believe that children have some incredible traits that can never quite be replicated in older people. This is because societal norms and the undeniably screwed-up school system have no appreciation for a youthful mind and don’t even try to preserve this. It’s like they see each kid as a task that they need to get out of their way rather than a person to get to know. I’ve seen this firsthand while interning in kindergarten classrooms. The kids were often given strange reactions for their ideas, robbed of creative freedom, or even told to stop being silly or to tone down their energy. The only difference between this and a high school is the severity of the consequences. I understand that basic manners and kindness are important, but their natural authenticity and genuine excitement should not have to be sacrificed, and they most definitely shouldn't be apologizing for it. Another time that I’ve seen the power of a child’s mindset was on a mission trip to Ensenada, Mexico. During the week we would go to an underprivileged area to help build a house, run a vacation bible school, and spread the gospel. Being around the kids was by far my favorite part. You would think the lack of money and privilege would make these people less happy, but this wasn’t usually the case. Especially with the kids. It’s rare to see a group of kids that are as sweet and enthusiastic as them. They were extremely grateful for simple pleasures such as playing games, singing songs, and learning Bible stories. This was very eye-opening because they seemed more excited about their lives and opportunities than I usually am about mine. If these kids with the bare minimum are this excited about life. I should at least be more grateful for mine. On top of it all, being around children has made me a better person. Although many of my ideas, dreams, and pleasures have been compared to a child’s, I’ve become a lot more anxious and narrow-minded as I’ve gotten older. I’ve lost a lot of ambitions and hopes and am often just trying to get through the day. However the more time I spend with kids, the less prominent these kinds of thoughts become. Children have all kinds of crazy hopes and ambitions without any knowledge of the world. I know that the world is hard to live in, but isn’t knowledge supposed to be powerful? My experiences working with children have helped me realize the beautiful kind of passion that so many children have for the world. As an intern, I tried my hardest to listen to the kids and encourage their creativity, and as a helper at VBS, I learned just how precious life can be if you simply allow it. No matter what I do with my life, I want to help children. I want to preserve their curious minds and wild ideas. With the combination of knowledge and a child’s mindset, you can do whatever you put your mind to.

I’ve had selective mutism as long as I can remember. By that I don’t mean I was kinda shy and a little scared to talk to people. If the school was on fire I probably would have been burned alive because I wouldn’t be able to scream for help. Thankfully my social abilities have improved to the point where I can function somewhat normally, but I notice now how much it’s changed the way Ive grown up and the relationships that I have .600 words can’t fully explain my experience, but I will try my best. I don’t know how I was diagnosed. I could ask, but I think the fact that I don’t know says everything. I’ve never known life any other way. However The other aspects of my life are very normal. I know there are misconceptions, but I did not experience a traumatic event and I had mentally healthy parents and a stable home life. Aside from being affected by this rare disorder I am a very average person with a very normal upbringing. I spoke normally at home and without thinking about why, didn’t make a sound after being dropped off at school. In order to help me, my parents would reward me with things I wanted whenever I would reach some sort of communication goal. This included whispering to my friend or raising my hand for help or ordering my own food. These did help me improve, I just felt stupid when I couldn’t reach them right away. I sometimes didn’t feel like my effort was appreciated enough and always felt misunderstood. But through some kind of mix between encouragement from family and friends, my own ambition, and Gods voice saying there’s more out there for me, I kept going. It’s also been really helpful for me to cope through forms of creative expression. Although I’ve gotten to a point where I’m viewed as more normal, selective mutism and social anxiety are very isolating. It wasn’t so much when I was younger; The only criticism I would get was an occasional comment like “Why are you so quiet?” Or “Why don’t you just say something?” Now that I’m older I still don’t receive much judgment, but everyone has established their lives without me. Hardly anyone tries to be my friend or even talk to me and when they do I tend to scare them away with my lack of social skills. I now only have a few close friends and haven’t made a new one since middle school. In most social settings I just feel out of place Going to college includes everyone scattering to different parts of the world and feeling lost with their new beginnings. I see college as a fresh start and a time to present myself differently. Since I’ve missed out on the typical school experience, it’s really important for me to have that in college. Additionally I have a lot to offer people. I haven’t decided exactly what I want to do yet but I think I have enough normality for others to relate to but can also relate to people in unique positions like mine and make them feel seen and less alone. Lastly, I won’t take my experience for granted. I know some people don’t see milestones like this as a big deal because so many accomplish them. It took me so much extra effort and I never got the typical experience that has been waved in front of my face for so long. I can’t wait to see what happens now that I have the opportunity.

The impact that Wicked has had on me goes way beyond words. I saw it a couple times when I was young in its broadway form and before I could understand the deep themes and hidden meanings, I was overwhelmed in the best way possible by the entertaining story, top notch music, and undeniable feeling of magic. So many incredible themes are shown through Elphaba's character. I think she can represent pretty much any minority from racial groups to health disorders. Obviously her green skin is off putting, but the average person would be able to move on. However, the people that don’t can affect your confidence and your views of yourself. Despite her initial determination, the negative views got to her and ultimately ended up convincing her that she was the person that they viewed her to be. Some people argue that the animals in this story are a comparison to racism, however as an animal enthusiast, I see it as a critique on animal rights. In the story they intend for you to feel sorry for the animals. They humanize them just like any other character and then they brutally take away their rights and start treating them like objects. Unfortunately we often treat animals like this in real life. We turn them into food, test products, and give them all around poor treatment for no good reason. And what’s the difference between our animals and their animals? They can’t speak? They can not fend for themselves? The animals and Wicked criticize our lazy approach. The thing that I think I admire most about Wicked is its critique in social and political tendencies. Nobody in Oz really liked Elphaba aside from Glinda. In addition to being green, she wasn’t into the same lighthearted activities as everyone else and she also had passion and ambition that scared a lot of people off. However everyone admired Glinda. She was fun, pretty, and made everyone feel good about themselves. Until she got close with Elphaba, she thought that basking in her popularity was the most important thing in life. One of the most beautiful things about this story is seeing Glinda gradually drift away from her comfort zone and start to see what’s right and what’s important. On top of all of that is the incredible music. It’s tons of fun but also teaches important themes such as the effects others have on you, defying expectations, taking risks, self acceptance, and more importantly, the corruption of good through wickedness and the good that is deep inside wicked souls.

Unfortunately I don’t remember this story very well. It started when I was in preschool and ended when I was in first grade. It was a very fuzzy and sheltered period of my life. However considering brain cancer took one of the first people I ever loved, I think the story still deserves to be told. In preschool I made my first friend. We instantly clicked over playing baby dolls. We eventually became close outside of school and our families became close too. I know friendships at that age can only be so deep. I think we only really talked about baby dolls and Doc Mcstuffins, but I was always excited to see her and her gorgeous smile made me smile. It was a lasting friendship too. This can be rare for a kid that young. One day she wasn’t at school because she was sick. She was sick for the rest of the week. From what I remember she came back, but just kept getting sick. She had brain cancer. I don’t think I even knew she had cancer, I was just told that she was sick and she was in the hospital. I saw her less and less as time went on. During that time my parents sheltered me and protected my heart. They didn’t go into detail about what was actually happening to her or the way that her family's lives were probably falling apart. When we were in first grade she ended up passing away. Despite how sweet she was and how happy she made me, I barely felt anything. I hadn’t seen her in months. And of course my parents just said things like, she’s with the angels now, or she’s not in pain anymore. From my perspective it kind of feels like a sad movie. Of course it’s sad, and if I think about long enough I’ll cry, but in the end it’s just a movie and you can move in with your life. Except that’s only how it worked out for me. I can’t even imagine what her family went through losing a child that young. I got a sneak peak, but I don’t truly know what it’s like. However I’m glad that I now live in a little less ignorance. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost someone they love to brain cancer. Especially someone so young with such a promising future.

I grew up with selective mutism. I don’t know exactly how I was diagnosed. There was no life changing moment when I found out; it’s just always been that way. I simply didn’t talk at school. Not even if I needed something. If the building was on fire I may have been burned alive. I’m genuinely not sure if I would have said anything. For a long time I didn’t think about the fact that other people didn’t live like that. I was just a normal kid with one distinguishing and slightly dehumanizing difference. I’ve never known what it’s like to have no unsettling feelings when leaving the house, or to not feel the need to plan out every single word to say to someone and the exact tone in which I’m going to say it, or to not have a voice at all. Some would say that I don’t know what it’s like to be “normal”. I was usually treated like a regular kid. I just got the occasional: “why don’t you ever talk?” Or “just say something”. Even if I felt comfortable talking, I had no idea how to answer. To this day I don’t fully understand that part of myself. I just shrugged off the elephant in the room and continued co existing and even being friends with my classmates. As I got older I started noticing everything I was missing out on. We all grew up, but I stayed back from a social stand point. I consider myself a good friend, but I don’t have a lot of friends. If anyone bothers to talk to me I usually scare them away with my poor social skills. Even if I don’t, it usually takes years for me to fully open up and genuinely connect with someone. In addition to that, everyone is constantly moving too fast. They won’t slow down when they could continue at the same speed with what they already have. I’m extremely grateful to my friends that did put in the effort, but it’s exhausting to feel so out of place in so many situations. There are also many social milestones that I’ve supposedly missed out on. School events, first kisses, being out past curfew, covering up a huge lie, doing stupid things in public. Who knows if I would have even enjoyed those things, but either way there’s an undeniable feeling of isolation and being left out. Others constantly freak out over the fact that I’ve never gotten a brain freeze. Not that I want to have one; but because I hold back I’ve missed out on that universal experience. This same rule applies to what I’ve done with my teenage years. Social anxiety has also affected what fills my time. If I haven’t completely missed out on something, I’ve been ripped off of my time with it. For example I have a really strong passion for singing and theater. I didn’t have the guts to even take a step forward in that until sixth grade. I auditioned for my school play and in order to be accommodating, the director agreed that I didn’t have to do any singing or dancing. Just stand on stage. That might sound stupid, but it was a big deal for me. I was proud of myself, but yet again, I just felt out of place and like no one actually wanted me there. Most people who were interested in theater just got on the stage a long time ago. Even things that are not performance related were hard at the beginning. I couldn’t order my own food or ask questions about what to do. I remember my mom still coming to birthday parties with me up to kindergarten or first grade when other people’s parents were leaving. I could hardly do anything without my mom by my side. I’m very grateful that she helped me through this problem. If it weren’t for her effort I probably wouldn’t do my guitar or Horsebackriding lessons. I probably wouldn’t volunteer at the Humane Society and in the children’s ministries at church. This summer I’m working with kindergarten students. I teach them lessons and help them with their work throughout the day. Of course interacting with young kids is completely different than adults and people my age, but a few years ago I don’t think I would have done it. All of this probably would have continued to just dangle out of my reach forever. Now I do all of it by myself. Something that I have recently learned to appreciate about my rough mental health history is satisfaction of finally achieving something. Because it’s been right out of my reach for so long, I’m endlessly grateful for every relationship and opportunity. I put passion and dedication into everything. I’ll listen to an overwhelmed friend talk all night, stay up all night with homework after a five hour rehearsal and do pretty much anything else asked of me with very few complaints. Recently I was involved in a very tedious seven day training. I learned nothing from it and it brought lots of stress into my life. However I waited three days before saying anything about how wasteful it was because I was truly grateful for the opportunity. Although selective mutism has brought me countless troubles, I don’t know if I would trade it if it meant having to give up my passionate attitude. After fully accepting that I will always be living life outside my comfort zone, I know that I have a lot of potential no matter what field I go into. I want to help people. I’m willing to listen to people and in many cases can truly understand. I’ll meet them exactly where they’re at and help them find their best selves. I will put in the effort while also trying my best to finally embrace life. I don’t want to push back Gods plans for me anymore.

Sabrina Carpenter is someone that I admire for countless reasons. Not only am I a fan of her work all the way from Sofia the first to her most recent songs, but also of the type of person that she is. She is a caring and passionate person, which she shows by dedicating her time and money to supporting mental health, animal warfare, and the LGBTQ community. On top of it all, she’s human and very relatable. Sabrina has been responsible for a good portion of my entertainment. From her roles as Maya, Vivian, Jenny, Quinn, and Harper to herself. Her humor, charm, sarcasm, and kindness have made her one of my favorite people in the world and one of the few that can entertain me for hours at a time. In addition to the quality entertainment, she always leaves a lasting impression and a new thought of perspective in my head. Another reason that I admire her is because of her life-changing music. It makes me upset that people just listen to her top three songs when she’s been making quality music since she was a kid. Every album tells its own unique story. “Eyes Wide Open” is about hope and youth, “Evolution” has mixed themes about discovering love and questioning the way that the world conditions you to think, “singular act” one and two show mixed feelings about growing up and new thoughts that you may have, “emails i can’t send” talks about betrayal, love, and mental health issues, and “Short n Sweet” demonstrates the effect that the shortest relationships or experience in life can have on you. There’s something for everyone in her discography, and it’s all powerful, beautiful, relatable, and has lots of unique touches. Overall, she’s just changed my life. It feels like she’s been holding my hand in the hardest moments and smiling along with me in my best ones. The fact that she’s worked extremely hard to do what she loves since her childhood and has maintained a strong character is infinitely inspiring to me. You really can’t blame a girl for trying. Her talent went unrecognized for a long time, but now she is reaching the success she has worked for and others get to experience her gifts.

I’ve had selective mutism as long as I can remember. It’s a challenge that has never defined me but has always stood in the way of many of my hopes and goals. Selective mutism doesn’t mean I was kind of shy or a little scared to talk to people. If the school was on fire I probably would have been burned alive because I wouldn’t be able to scream for help. Just a constant and suffocating feeling of having a voice, but at the same time not being able to find it anywhere. I don’t know how I was diagnosed. I could ask, but I think the fact that I don’t know says everything. I’ve never known life any other way. However The other aspects of my life are very normal. Aside from being affected by this rare disorder I am a very average person with a very normal upbringing. I spoke normally at home and without thinking about why, didn’t make a sound after being dropped off at school. As harsh and as bland as this answer may sound, the way I overcame this and the way I still work on my social skills to this day, is just by forcing myself out of my comfort zone. As frustrating as the quote “Life begins outside of your comfort zone” can be, it couldn’t be more true. I eventually just declared that I wasn’t willing to live that quiet, lonely, and isolating lifestyle. If I wanted to live up to my full potential, I would just have to be uncomfortable. But out of my discomfort came a lot of success, happiness, and fulfillment. However I don’t know if it would have gone that direction if I didn’t have the support system that I do. I grew up with supportive family and friends and faith in Jesus. Because of this support I understood that I was loved and that I had value and that although some people knew me as the kid who couldn’t talk, that want who I was. Although I haven’t fully established a career path yet, both my struggles and the live that I have been given have inspired me to help others. I know how to properly show others love and see the best in them. However I also understand many types of struggles and I know what it’s like to feel constantly misunderstood. I believe that this combination of traits gives me the potential to meet people where they are at and help them build their lives up from there.

I know this scholarship is meant for Netflix fans, but due to the cancellation of this show, I don’t think I can call my self a Netflix fan. The show that was so life changing was Julie and the Phantoms. It was sadly cancelled after one short season. The worst part is that it ended with many questions left unanswered and two majors cliffhangers. For that reason, I don’t blame you for not watching it. However it’s suitable for everyone. It’s youthful and fun while including deep and mature themes. Everyone in my family loved this show despite our countless differences. The first amazing thing about this show is the relatable but also unique takes on the topic of grief. Julie’s still mourning the loss of her mom a year after her passing. Julie’s lost her passion for music and living in general. Meanwhile Luke, Alex, and Reggie; the phantoms; are mourning their own lives and realizing they have a lot of regrets. They’re lives ended before their music careers took off, they walked out on their families, and worst of all they don’t know why they became ghosts or the true reason that they lived in the first place. Although it’s hard for all of them, we get to see their progress in overcoming these losses. A lot of strong relationships are shown during this time of reinvention. We witness Julie’s loved ones seeing her become herself again. For a long time she tried to push away anything that had to do with her mom. Her dad was even planning to sell the house. However she came to the realization that changing outward things would not fix anything and that moving on has to come from the inside. Luke, Alex, and Reggie were part of the reason Julie started to play music again. They point out how important music is in Julie’s life. Although it may be difficult, it would ultimately help her feel closer to her mom and also express herself in ways that she desperately needed to. Julie also helped them bring their music back to people. Most ghosts could never be seen, but when those three played music with Julie they could be seen by anyone. Although they felt lonely in their new lives, these connections helped. One more thing that makes this show special is how it demonstrates the value of life. As a Christian I’ve always believed that life has value and that everybody lives for a reason. However whatever religious or spiritual background you come from, it makes you think. Some people try to argue that life is meaningless and that after you die you’re just gone. Luke, Alex, and Reggie prove this to be false. They were told that they came back as ghosts because they had unfinished business. Although it was never confirmed exactly what this was, they ended up completely changing Julie’s life. We also see that Luke’s parents are still mourning his loss and the fact that they never got to say goodbye. On top of all of this, their bandmate Bobby, who didn’t die, stole and recorded all of Luke’s songs. This shows that their lives undeniably had value and it didn’t simply disappear after they died. Ultimately this show beautifully shows why you should just wake up and do what you love, because it’s now or never. You’re standing on the edge of great so you just need to stand tall even when it feels impossible. If you don’t watch the show you should at least listen to the music so that you can understand those references.

Although people like Janie Mae are very important, they are often unheard of. This may sound sad, but it is usually a sign of an affective person. Most people who have made an impact on your life aren’t well known for it. There are so many people in my life who have served and helped me in so many ways. I could go on and on about them and you would have no idea who I’m talking about. But that’s ok because they’re important to me. Im ok with being this person. I want to feel like I actually made an impact instead of just showing off the fact that I care. I like to show my kindness through more personal words and gestures. I’m a very dedicated friend. I’m willing to be there with them through hard times and I always listen to whatever they say. I always make it my priority to help in any way that is needed. Another way I have volunteered my care and love is through church. I’m a devoted Christian and always try to show the love of Jesus to the people I interact with. My favorite way to do this is by working with kids and through volunteering. One of my favorite experiences is a missions trip that I’ve been on a few times over the Summer. As a church group we go to Ensenada Mexico. We split our time between building a house for an underprivileged family and running a VBS for the kids in the neighborhood. That’s my favorite part. The language barrier doesn’t stop it from being amazing. I love to spend time around them and help with their activities. They always seem so genuinely happy to be there and that makes me feel so lucky to be a part of it. I also work with young children on the church campus. My favorite thing about kids is how innocent, pure, and authentic they are. I love to take the time to truly know them, meet them where they are at and help them with whatever is needed. It’s not about how much you do or the recognition you get, but it’s the quality of your work and the impact that is made. Based on what you tell me about Janie Mae it seems like she gave plenty of quality attention and I want to do the same for others.

I grew up with selective mutism. I don’t know exactly how I was diagnosed. There was no life changing moment when I found out; it’s just always been that way. I simply didn’t talk at school. Not even if I needed something. If the building was on fire I may have been burned alive. I’m genuinely not sure if I would have said anything. For a long time I didn’t think about the fact that other people didn’t live like that. I was just a normal kid with one distinguishing and slightly dehumanizing difference. I’ve never known what it’s like to have no unsettling feelings when leaving the house, or to not feel the need to plan out every single word to say to someone and the exact tone in which I’m going to say it, or to not have a voice at all. Some would say that I don’t know what it’s like to be “normal”. I was usually treated like a regular kid. I just got the occasional: “why don’t you ever talk?” Or “just say something”. Even if I felt comfortable talking, I had no idea how to answer. To this day I don’t fully understand that part of myself. I just shrugged off the elephant in the room and continued co existing and even being friends with my classmates. As I got older I started noticing everything I was missing out on. We all grew up, but I stayed back from a social stand point. I consider myself a good friend, but I don’t have a lot of friends. If anyone bothers to talk to me I usually scare them away with my poor social skills. Even if I don’t, it usually takes years for me to fully open up and genuinely connect with someone. In addition to that, everyone is constantly moving too fast. They won’t slow down when they could continue at the same speed with what they already have. I’m extremely grateful to my friends that did put in the effort, but it’s exhausting to feel so out of place in so many situations. There are also many social milestones that I’ve supposedly missed out on. School events, first kisses, being out past curfew, covering up a huge lie, doing stupid things in public. Who knows if I would have even enjoyed those things, but either way there’s an undeniable feeling of isolation and being left out. Others constantly freak out over the fact that I’ve never gotten a brain freeze. Not that I want to have one; but because I hold back I’ve missed out on that universal experience. This same rule applies to what I’ve done with my teenage years. Social anxiety has also affected what fills my time. If I haven’t completely missed out on something, I’ve been ripped off of my time with it. For example I have a really strong passion for singing and theater. I didn’t have the guts to even take a step forward in that until sixth grade. I auditioned for my school play and in order to be accommodating, the director agreed that I didn’t have to do any singing or dancing. Just stand on stage. That might sound stupid, but it was a big deal for me. I was proud of myself, but yet again, I just felt out of place and like no one actually wanted me there. Most people who were interested in theater just got on the stage a long time ago. Even things that are not performance related were hard at the beginning. I couldn’t order my own food or ask questions about what to do. I remember my mom still coming to birthday parties with me up to kindergarten or first grade when other people’s parents were leaving. I could hardly do anything without my mom by my side. I’m very grateful that she helped me through this problem. If it weren’t for her effort I probably wouldn’t do my guitar or Horsebackriding lessons. I probably wouldn’t volunteer at the Humane Society and in the children’s ministries at church. This summer I’m working with kindergarten students. I teach them lessons and help them with their work throughout the day. Of course interacting with young kids is completely different than adults and people my age, but a few years ago I don’t think I would have done it. All of this probably would have continued to just dangle out of my reach forever. Now I do all of it by myself. Something that I have recently learned to appreciate about my rough mental health history is satisfaction of finally achieving something. Because it’s been right out of my reach for so long, I’m endlessly grateful for every relationship and opportunity. I put passion and dedication into everything. I’ll listen to an overwhelmed friend talk all night, stay up all night with homework after a five hour rehearsal and do pretty much anything else asked of me with very few complaints. Recently I was involved in a very tedious seven day training. I learned nothing from it and it brought lots of stress into my life. However I waited three days before saying anything about how wasteful it was because I was truly grateful for the opportunity. Although selective mutism has brought me countless troubles, I don’t know if I would trade it if it meant having to give up my passionate attitude. After fully accepting that I will always be living life outside my comfort zone, I know that I have a lot of potential no matter what field I go into. I want to help people. I’m willing to listen to people and in many cases can truly understand. I’ll meet them exactly where they’re at and help them find their best selves. I will put in the effort while also trying my best to finally embrace life. I don’t want to push back Gods plans for me anymore.

The two shows that I would cross over would be Jessie and Girl Meets World. Makes sense right? Both groups of people live in New York. This would be an interesting mix with their many differences but also with their slight bit of common ground. This one has a bit of a twist because it would actually be a makeover of the episode “Girl Meets Money”. I know that Jessie had technically ended by then, but let’s use our imagination. It starts off with Mr Matthews lesson about money. They still make their same points, Maya about not having much money, and Farkle about his situation and feeling selfish. After this they are given an assignment to interview fellow classmates. Being that Ravi would be around the same age and it was never specified what school he goes to, he would be one of the people that they interviewed. They would find out about his background. How he now lives in a penthouse and has all that he wants at his fingertips but how it used to be quite the opposite. This change is usually seen as a good thing but he would reflect on how he’s lost a bit of his sweet innocence and selflessness. They would be intrigued by this and invite him to come to Farkles house with them. Before going to Farkles house, we see Ravi talking with his family. Being that his siblings were always in better circumstances then him, they’d be pretty ignorant about this at first and Emma would even accuse him of being ungrateful, but Ravi would stand strong in this passion. Later at Farkle’s house it plays out very similarly. To how it did in the actual episode. All of his friends including Ravi are shocked that he has all of this because that’s just not how he portrays himself. Ravi emphasizes that he feels like he used to be that way but has fallen to the influence of his siblings and New York culture. After this they agree to go to Ravi’s house see that he is in a similar financial situation to Farkle. They are also introduced to his siblings. Although Ravi couldn’t really get into their heads, his new friends did. Ravi and Farkle already connected. Ravi coming from humble beginnings and Farkle being humble with what he has. They both admire each other for these reasons. Lucas and Luke connect over their popularity but are also challenged over how they use it differently. Luke using it as a magnet while Lucas uses it to help people. Maya and Zuri connect over their tough and resilient nature. However they compare and contrast as Maya needed that to survive while Zuri keeps it to herself. Riley and Emma also bond over popularity. Emma just realized that a lot of her motives are selfish while Riley genuinely wants to be everyone’s friend. In result of this they all come together at the end to donate to charities. They now all have new perspectives on money. They are both more appreciative of what they have but also know that money is not all that matters.

I’m going to start off by saying that shipping wars are stupid. There’s always a right answer intentionally planted. One person that the main character is truly in love with and a second choice that they try to bury their feelings in. In this case Belly buried her feelings in Jeremiah to try and ignore her undeniable feelings for Conrad. Belly and Jeremiah love each other. They’re best friends and they cope with their hardships by being there for each other, unlike Conrad who just doesn’t know how to express his emotions. It would be really easy if they fell in love with each other, but they can’t be in love just because they want to. In many instances you see them practically eating each others faces off, trying to convince themselves that they feel something. They are trying to invent something that just doesn’t exist. With Conrad that spark is just there permanently .You feel the connection just by them standing in the room together. Even in the early episodes of season 2 when they claimed they didn’t even want to speak to each other, it was still there. I understand some people like Jeremiah more, but this show is about how Belly feels. It wouldn’t even be fair to the characters. Belly briefly mentioned this in season 1 episode 6 when she said: “How am I supposed to fully jump into something with Jeremiah when a piece of my heart still beats for his brother.” Another scene that’s rarely talked about was in season 2 episode 7 when Belly tried to deny her feelings for Conrad. She stated: “Whatever you think you saw last night; it was all wrong. There is nothing left between me and Conrad.” Jeremiah knows this isn’t true and he replies saying:”There will always be something between you and Conrad.” She doesn’t even deny it. She really can’t considering the night before she was sobbing about how Conrad let their relationship go. On top of that, Jeremiah is just ok with being the second choice. I shouldn’t have to explain why that’s wrong. Although Conrad rarely talks about his feelings, it’s clear they are there and that they are real, unlike the feelings that Jeremiah invented based off of longing for a deep connection and just disapproving of the way Conrad treated her. An example of this was in season 1 episode 4 when Jeremiah saw that Belly and Conrad were about to kiss. There was no sadness or despair, he just had an angry and petty look on his face. We also see how shallow his feelings for Belly are in season 2 episode 8. He talked about how if he had taken Belly to prom he would have remembered the corsage and given her a good night. Although these are sweet intentions, they didn’t show any depth. It felt more like a competition with Conrad. On the other hand, Conrad was genuinely hurt to see Belly with Jeremiah. He sometimes masked this with anger because he didn’t know how to cope. And although he ended up getting out of their way In season 2 episode 8, him leaving the hotel was one of the saddest moments in the whole series. He didn’t know how to be what Belly needed and was trying to hold on, but just couldn’t do it. He had to let go. It was painful and you could tell how much he cared. But then again, do I really need to explain? I have plenty more reasoning, but this should be enough to prove my point.

I’ve had selective mutism as long as I can remember. By that I don’t mean I was kinda shy and a little scared to talk to people. If the school was on fire I probably would have been burned alive because I wouldn’t be able to scream for help. Thankfully my social abilities have improved to the point where I can function somewhat normally, but I notice now how much it’s changed the way Ive grown up and the relationships that I have .600 words can’t fully explain my experience, but I will try my best. I don’t know how I was diagnosed. I could ask, but I think the fact that I don’t know says everything. I’ve never known life any other way. However The other aspects of my life are very normal. I know there are misconceptions, but I did not experience a traumatic event and I had mentally healthy parents and a stable home life. Aside from being affected by this rare disorder I am a very average person with a very normal upbringing. I spoke normally at home and without thinking about why, didn’t make a sound after being dropped off at school. In order to help me, my parents would reward me with things I wanted whenever I would reach some sort of communication goal. This included whispering to my friend or raising my hand for help or ordering my own food. These did help me improve, I just felt stupid when I couldn’t reach them right away. I sometimes didn’t feel like my effort was appreciated enough and always felt misunderstood. But through some kind of mix between encouragement from family and friends, my own ambition, and Gods voice saying there’s more out there for me, I kept going. It’s also been really helpful for me to cope through forms of creative expression. Although I’ve gotten to a point where I’m viewed as more normal, selective mutism and social anxiety are very isolating. It wasn’t so much when I was younger; The only criticism I would get was an occasional comment like “Why are you so quiet?” Or “Why don’t you just say something?” Now that I’m older I still don’t receive much judgment, but everyone has established their lives without me. Hardly anyone tries to be my friend or even talk to me and when they do I tend to scare them away with my lack of social skills. I now only have a few close friends and haven’t made a new one since middle school. In most social settings I just feel out of place Going to college includes everyone scattering to different parts of the world and feeling lost with their new beginnings. I see college as a fresh start and a time to present myself differently. Since I’ve missed out on the typical school experience, it’s really important for me to have that in college. Additionally I have a lot to offer people. I haven’t decided exactly what I want to do yet but I think I have enough normality for others to relate to but can also relate to people in unique positions like mine and make them feel seen and less alone. Lastly, I won’t take my experience for granted. I know some people don’t see milestones like this as a big deal because so many accomplish them. It took me so much extra effort and I never got the typical experience that has been waved in front of my face for so long. I can’t wait to see what happens now that I have the opportunity.

A lyric from “GUTS” by Olivia Rodrigo that I and many others silently relate to is the first verse of “teenage dream” when she says “When am I gonna stop being great for my age and just start being good? When will it stop being cool to be quietly misunderstood?” It perfectly demonstrates the confusion and fear that comes along with getting older. Everyone talks about how it feels to be a teenager. When your in the midst of it. Everything is happening at once but at the same time it’s going by so slow. But when it’s over it doesn’t feel like it was long enough if that makes any sense. Speaking as someone who will graduate next year, most of us are not physically or mentally ready to be adults no matter how much we may have hated being teenagers. As teenagers having basic knowledge about people, the world and yourself is special. Your praised for it. If you know how to do your laundry your ahead of the game and if your good at something unique, your basically a celebrity. But as an adult you’re behind everyone and nobody acknowledges that you’re new at navigating this world by yourself despite still practically being a kid. You have to know exactly what your doing. Sure a blank canvas comes before a painting, but all most will care about is the finished product. Another example of the brutality of being thrown into adulthood is that you are no longer special in any way that the general public is willing to acknowledge. Most people couldn’t care less about your heart or your passion or care. And you may have been the best singer or artist of basketball player in your family or friend group or maybe even whole school or town, you will find someone more talented then you and outward skill always beats what’s on the inside. I personally relate to this lyrics in a very literal way. I was diagnosed with selective mutism in pre school and still have social anxiety to this day. My parents and sometimes teachers and other adults are proud of the progress I’ve made. I’ve gone from a helpless little kid that would die in a fire because I’d be too scared to scream for help to being a functioning human being that would be capable of living in society. But I’m terrified that I won’t be able to thrive. It was never cool to be “quietly misunderstood”, but accommodations have gotten less accommodating, awkwardness looks even more awkward the older I get, and social barriers have gotten so much thicker. I haven’t made a new close friend since middle school and I’m lucky if someone goes out of their way to even be nice to me. I’m afraid that in the adult world that progress and being “quietly misunderstood” will just make me look like a lost cause. I know I’m not the only one who’s scared, but Olivia Rodrigo is one of the only people who has spoken about these aspects of the transition from being a teenager to an adult. It’s scary being told the wrong things, and then learning the right things, making progress and then realizing it’s not enough and ultimately that there may not be anyone that thinks you are special. You will rarely even get looked at if you are not “great” and no one tries to understand the misunderstood.