At 18 I went to a university for psychology because while I loved the field, I lacked drive, passion, or discipline. I failed horribly because of that but by complete accident I ended up in EMS and I loved it. I did phenomenally in my EMT class, and while the program was brutal I pushed through many barriers and excelled in my paramedic program as well. I’ve now spent years in the 911 system, performing inter facility critical care, and practicing in the Emergency Department. I have grown to love and respect my nurses and I want to advance my career in the way they have. Some of the most influential people I have met in my life have been nurses, from my managers, my friends, my coworkers, my educators, to my girlfriend, I am surrounded by educated and talented nurses. I have a manager and trauma specialist in particular that have taught me more in the last 6 years than the rest of my experience combined. They are strict, intelligent, caring individuals who would slap me for saying so. They are the kind of people that make me excited to be in the nursing program I’m currently in. I have worked in what I would call critical reactionary medicine for years now, and I fully intend to remain in emergency and critical care, I want to know, experience and be capable of more like these amazing women are. My girlfriend as well is one of the strongest people I have ever seen and is a stellar nurse, a single mother and an amazing person. I genuinely hope to make her as proud of me as a nurse as I am of her. Above all the nurses I have known in my life, is my son. As a single dad, a full time employee, and an adult student, I want to show my son that even if mistakes are made early in our life, we are still more than capable of doing hard things and accomplishing fulfillment. I don’t want him to see me as someone that stopped advancing and improving because life is difficult, I want him to look up at me and see what can be accomplished even when it hurts, when it’s hard, and when it’s inconvenient. I am missing a lot of his first year of school which is hard for both of us, but I know it will be worth every second and I cannot wait for him to tell people that his daddy is a nurse.

My name is Connor and I have been suicidal and depressed since I was 9 years old. I didn't realize that wasn't normal until I was 21, and I didn't become serious about overcoming it until I was 26. I spent my entire high school career thinking that everyone just held this intense despair and desire to end the struggle of life deep inside them and no one talked about it. It wasn't until my first attempt at college that I started noticing that I was alone. No one else felt the need to hide, or walk around in the dark at night, or using alcohol at odd hours of the day. And my God did alcohol help. It made me feel normal, I didn't feel anxious, I didn't think people hated me. It was amazing. Until it wasn't. I always looked at suicide as cheating, I couldn't leave everyone else to deal with this world if I wasn't willing to. I wanted to so badly, so many times, I just couldn't justify it. I think that the empathy I gained from my mother saved me because I knew what ending my life would do to my family, even if I didn't believe I deserved the level of compassion I afforded myself. But alcohol, that was a slow death. Throw in caffeine, nicotine, and all manners of self destructive behavior, and I got to kill myself over years. I let this behavior destroy my first attempt at college, my relationships, my marriage, my finances, and my body. Amidst all of this I found some blessings that changed my life: my son, my girlfriend and her daughters, my love for emergency medicine, and eventually my sobriety. My son unfortunately knew his father as a depressed, shut-in, alcoholic for the first 3 years of his life, which I'm working hard to make memories with him that outshine his previous experience. My girlfriend and her girls have never seen me drunk which is a gift I wish I could give to the rest of my family. My partner on 24hr shifts when I worked on an ambulance used to come in to find me racked out in the bunk room, shake me awake and ask "drink a bit last night?" That was our ritual for 2 years and I was only 25. My ex wife, had her flaws, as a matter of fact I left her, but our marriage never had a chance to grow or heal in the same landscape as my depraved self-hatred. Today I am proud to say that I am compliant with my anti-anxiety medication and SSRI. I have 2 years of sobriety under my belt. I have a beautiful life ahead of me with my beautiful girlfriend and our children. I have 7 years experience in emergency medicine and plan to continue advancing that path. I proved to myself in paramedic school that I was able to be successful in school, but I was still actively drinking every night and doing nothing to help my mental health. I cannot express how excited I am to start nursing school with an entire repertoire of coping mechanisms, a sober mind, and the knowledge that I am not alone.