The loss of my Mother changed my life in every single aspect, and I have been forever changed because of it. She took her own life with a gunshot wound to the head, when I was just 20 years old, on September 17th, 2020. Up until this point, I was living at home with just her and me, as it had always been since she and my dad divorced in 2004. I have a great relationship with my dad but I have never lived with him full-time, just visiting on the weekends until I was 18. When this happened, I was taken in by my Mom's brother, and his wife (my aunt and uncle), as they lived the closest to me and would be able to hold another member in their household. Living with just my Mom was all I knew, I was working to pay for college, and going fully online at the Academy of Art University to pursue an associate's in interior design. Then all of a sudden I had to quit my job, take a break from school, move out of my childhood home, and start going to therapy due to the awfulness of the situation. I was thrust into adulthood in many ways before I was ready to be and without guidance from the one person who could truly give it, the one person who knew me best. The following next few months were very rough for me, and I am thankful for the family I do have to be able to help in the ways they did. I lost my Grandmother (who I called nanny), who was very dear to me, and my Grandfather on my Mom's side of the family within 3 months of my Mothers passing. I was so stricken with the grief of my Mom and another family, I became very underweight and had insomnia for over 6 months. I went to therapy every week for a while, and slowly spaced out my appointments as months passed. When her anniversary of a year came around, it was a rough day for me. I asked my family if we could do something to celebrate it, and I asked my Dad to be there. It was rough for us both, as the day she passed happened to be on his birthday. And now, three years later, it is still one of the hardest days every year. Trying my best to celebrate my Dad's life, and mourn my mother's loss. After that first year, my family helped me apply to Kendall College of Art and Design, and that is where I attend now, in person. I have had to face many moments of grief affecting my school life, causing me to be very low near my birthday, the holidays and the start of every fall semester. I have done my best to communicate that to the professors I've had a chance to, and it is usually handled gently. There are moments in my English classes when I have had to excuse myself, or simply endure triggering content about gun violence and suicide, doing my best to be an active participant through things that remind me of what I have lost. Most of the hard days I encounter are handled alone now. After the first year, most of my family and friends had moved on with their lives, and the death of my Mom and the aftermath of me is not at the forefront of their minds. It is now my battle that I handle, with each birthday, mothers Day, holiday and anniversary.

Disney means so much to me, and anyone who knows me knows that. My love of Disney Princess' is what started my passion for all things Disney, and it carries into adulthood. Each magical story lets my mind wander to make-believe and fairytale endings. Imagining what I would do if each Princess I watched, learned the songs word for word. As a young girl, that is what we all enjoyed, it was ‘normal’ for everyone to have a favorite Princess and wear tiaras. Frankly, I loved them all, appreciating little things about every one of them. All my friends had Princesses’ they looked like, that they could dress up as for Halloween, whereas I never felt connected that way to any of them. I formed my connections to their personalities and traits, and my favorite songs. Then, in 2016 everything changed for me. I was 16 at this point, well past the age most girls were into Princess’, but my love to daydream about magical worlds, extravagant lives and overcoming challenges, never ceased. I heard all the stories about the new Latina Princess, Elena of Avalor, that would be coming to Disney. The first time I saw her, a part of my inner little girl healed, the 16-year-old me was excited for all the young tan-skin, dark-haired Latinas who could have a pretty princess to look up to, and me now still is so proud of the character that represents so many cultures. Since I was a young girl, I longed for representation, because I saw how beautiful it was, but the lack thereof did not stop my love for the stories and magic. And then, at age 16, it was all healed for me. I had my Princess. Being part Mexican, growing up I was darker than most of my peers, had way more hair and talked of foods they didn't know of. Elena helped me feel proud of where I come from and brought forth a beautiful example to show a little about Latinx culture. She is bold, caring, family-oriented, and all things I felt connected to. Her world is filled with magic, animals, friends, challenges, and so many parts of my culture that I was so happy to see represented by my favorite storytellers. I watched her show as much as I could, just appreciating the wonderfulness that it is. Now, I know Elena like the back of my hand. I never falter to tell people about my favorite Princess, the first Latina Princess and how much good her story did for me and all the other little girls out there that look like her.

This piece labeled The Faces of Grief is a digital drawing remake I made from a hand-drawn piece. It was something I created amid deep sadness, remembering and mourning the loss of my Mom, nearing her anniversary of when she took her own life on September 17th, 2020. The day also happens to fall upon my father's birthday (they have been divorced since I was a child). When she passed, I moved in with my aunt and uncle for a year and then, later on, to live on my own. My whole life changed at 20 years old, just barely an adult still figuring out life. After her passing, I felt there was a grace period when people understood that I would be unwell. Most people in my life reached out to me in that first year, they were gentle and attentive. And then time went on, and everyone's wounds and worries seemed to heal. While mine are ever so fresh, with each holiday, birthday, anniversary and moment that a girl needs her Mom, insignificant or life-changing things that remind me of the hole in my heart that she left. I created this when I was struggling with feeling like everyone I loved expected me to be fine, now that it had been over a year. Art is often my way to calm myself down from feeling low, it gives my brain something to focus on and simultaneously allows me to process how Im feeling without having to say it out loud. During this time I was being treated carelessly by some family and friends and did not know what else to do other than to put on a brave face and deal with my emotions on my own, no matter how much it hurt to do in the process. Each part of these feelings is represented in my drawing. My face is the one that is drawn, looking up towards my own hands and reaching out from all the words and phrases I think and feel; this part of the piece is a cut version of the original hand-drawn, to really emphasize how personal and internal it is. My hands are grabbing onto the barbed wire frame, to showcase how painful it is to leave all my feelings and emotions inside, to reach out to pick a face that I must put on for the world. The day my mother died, a part of me went with her. My entire life I will have to consistently tend to that wound, as grief is never linear and I am ever learning how to deal with it. Losing a mother so young, in such a harsh and gruesome, is not something I have found others to relate to (bitter-sweetly). One way that I help myself feel understood is through my art, often being a moment of solace to look back on when I realize it helped me through a difficult day.