On March 15, 2025, I was sitting on the couch with my younger brother and my mom, watching a movie. I heard my father entering the living room on the phone. He snaps his fingers in my mom's face as he gives an address to whom he is speaking. He then mouthed to my mom sternly to get her shoes on. Me and my 2 younger brothers lingered in the kitchen as my parents were at the hospital, and I continuously checked my Life360 app to see when they were coming home. I will never forget seeing the app show them driving home, and my older brother's phone with them. I thought he was coming home. That day, that week, and this entire year have produced battles I never thought I would have to endure. As I am writing this, it has been exactly 1 year and 1 day since my older brother Christian passed away in a motorcycle accident. He was the oldest of us 4, an incredibly smart individual with a genuine personality, my parents' “little professor”. The thing about grief that you cannot understand until you experience it is the variation of struggles that appear from the death of a loved one. Not only did I have to grieve and mourn my oldest brother who I spent every day for 16 years of my life with, whom I bickered relentlessly. Who I looked up to and copied growing up, and who I bothered with intense hugs and annoyances. But I also had to watch my family grieve. I had to watch my mom battle acceptance and my father break down. I had to watch my younger brother experience emotional struggles that they should not have to experience at such a young age, let alone ever. The biggest aspect of grief I experienced was guilt and regret. I loved my brother, but it doesn't feel like I loved him hard enough. Thoughts involving what more I could have done and how I could have been better to him still haunt me, and that is something I can no longer change. During the months before Christians death, I was struggling with my mental health and an intense eating disorder. I was unable to see a future for myself. When Christian died, it forced me to reflect on the need for change. Christian didn't want to die. Christian had a path. Picking myself up and making a change was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I made the choice because he couldn't. I finished my senior year of high school with a 3.75 GPA. I worked hard to save up money for school. I started recovery for my eating disorder and really committed. I went to therapy and started medication. I failed, and I failed over and over, but I refused to let that be the end because it couldn't be. I needed to be there for my family, I needed to be present. Now, a year has passed. I am reminded of him everywhere. As much as grief has a hold on me, the reminders push me to keep going, to keep trying, pushing, and growing. I am now at Arizona State University pursuing a degree in Organizational Leadership ( Project Management). I am present and consistently putting my efforts toward my loved ones. My focus is on focusing on what matters most to me, living.