To everyone reading this, my name is Chayanne. I’m 24 years old and currently living in Littleton, Colorado. I’m studying for an Associate Degree in Nursing at Arapahoe Community College, and this is my story.
I believe every person has a story to tell. Some lives are more colorful than others, but each has its own meaning. I came from the Philippines and was brought here to America about six years ago after my mother married an American. Even back in the Philippines, I could already tell that my life was full of twists and unexpected turns.
Sometimes, I feel as if I wasn’t meant to be born at all. After hearing both sides of my parents’ story, I realized that what tied them together was more fear than love. My mom needed a wealthy man to escape her abusive mother, and my dad needed a wife to hide the truth that he was bisexual, especially from his family. My childhood years were filled with arguments—here and there, back and forth between my mom and dad. I was bullied constantly because I acted feminine, and things only got worse when our whole town found out about my dad’s sexuality.
Despite the stones thrown at me, the spit, and the cruel names, I still had to tiptoe around at home. My dad would have probably hurt me if he found out I was gay too. My mom felt distant as well; the last thing she wanted was for our family to fall apart the way her own did. We moved from house to house often, and my dad’s salary kept disappearing because of drinking and infidelity. Eventually they separated. My mom dated a few men until she met my first stepdad.
That was the beginning of a true shift in my life. After two years of their relationship, my first stepdad brought us to America. I completed junior high and senior high here, in a very small town called Deer Trail, where I graduated at the top of my class. Later on, I moved out on my own. A few more years passed, and my parents separated, and my mom eventually married my second stepdad.
Living on my own, I began facing struggles that had to do with my sexuality. I didn’t realize I had developed internalized homophobia because of what I went through with my father. Even today, I don’t fully know how to process it. He was gay, yet he hated it when I acted feminine. He failed to protect me from the people who hurt me—when, of all people, he knew exactly how it felt. And worst of all, he was my father, the one who was supposed to take care of me. I think this deeply impacted my romantic relationships. My past with men has been painful, and I have never had a long-lasting relationship. That part of my life has contributed to many of the heartaches and tears I still carry today.
So there it is—my past, and a bit of my present. I try hard to be a strong person. I don’t just want to accomplish things externally; I want to grow internally. Every day is an effort toward that.
I’m naturally someone full of understanding and love. Maybe it’s because of everything I’ve gone through that I’ve become this way. I work as a nursing assistant in long-term care, and I feel deep sympathy for my patients. Sometimes it feels like they can sense the loneliness I’ve felt—being far away, or abandoned by people who were supposed to be beside me. Maybe they feel unwanted because of their wrinkles, white hair, or the sense that they have become less desirable. And maybe I’m so comfortable with older people because when we moved around a lot back then, my parents often left me with my grandmother. In a way, I was raised mostly by my grandparents.
Because of this, I’ve decided to devote my efforts, my career, and my hard work to these people—those whose time in this world is already growing shorter. I want them to truly feel cared for. I want them to know that someone genuinely loves them. I am willing to give my heart to them. I am confident that this is my path—to become a geriatric nurse.
I’ve worked many jobs: McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Walmart, Sam’s Club, KFC. I even tried beauty school, but it didn’t work out. But now—right now—this is it. No more backing out. I’m determined to see this through to the end.
And one of the most important things in my life is my faith in God. I’m not very religious, but whenever I’m near water—rivers or oceans—that’s where I feel His presence the most. I discovered my faith a few years ago during a trip to the Philippines. I visited an abandoned waterfall alone. Sitting by the river, staring at the falls, I closed my eyes for no reason—and when I opened them, a gentle wind touched me. It felt like it pulled out all the anger, confusion, and pain inside me. Since then, water has never felt the same. Whenever I’m going through something heavy, I know that once I visit the water, I’ll feel lighter and find clarity again.
So that is my purpose in life. I will always carry my painful experiences and use them to strengthen myself. I will strive to be the best person I can be—whether I’m at work, or at home, with my patients, my family, or my friends. I will take care of myself, pray, and trust in God’s guidance, believing that He will never abandon me.