I never realized how fragile life was till it broke. My name is Carolyn Cannon and I've struggled with mental health for many years. I have many disorders, and some include ADHD, DSPD, Insomnia, OCD Tendencies, Depression, GAD, and, lastly, FND. FND stands for Functional Neurological Disorder, which causes me to go deaf, blind, and tick, among many other things, but most frequently, I become randomly paralyzed. It's a trauma response, so it's all caused by my brain. I've had 6 MRI scans and there's nothing physically wrong with me. My subconscious mind causes all sorts of neurological disruptions when I'm in stressful environments and/or situations. These disorders have affected every single aspect of my life very profoundly. When it comes to my beliefs, relationships, and career aspirations, I think my depression and FND have shaped them the most. My paralysis has been taken advantage of in unforgivable ways. I tried but was unable to kill myself because I couldn't move my body to do so. I had so many sleepless nights just wondering what the point of life even was if I couldn't really live it. Because of my FND, my beliefs have changed so much. For example, I was 14 when I was introduced to the twisted minds of young men and sexually assaulted and harassed while in states of paralysis. For a very long time, and even now, I struggle to find men trustworthy. My belief changed against my will. I used to believe that men were protectors and providers, but after those incidents, relationships with all men became very difficult. I'm logically aware that most people aren't like that, but I still suffer from the trauma that it has caused me. My relationships were probably affected the most drastically, as I was horribly discriminated against. Peers and teachers who didn't see the trauma going on in my personal life didn't believe that a seemingly normal girl could suddenly develop such a disabling disorder. I was horribly bullied by my peers. They shoved me into the boys' bathrooms, they poured food on me at lunch, they outcasted me, and some of my best friends betrayed me in terrible ways. Many friendships were lost. I never wanted to die more in my life, and my view of people and relationships has been forever affected by these actions. My family and I ended up moving two hours away where I rebuilt my life from the ground up, telling as few people as possible about my disabilities in fear of being bullied again. Because of scholarships like this one, aiming to destigmatize mental health problems, I have recently started to open up to my friends here about my disabilities after over a year of living here. It has helped me on so many levels. So far, no one has said or done a single negative thing, and it is helping to heal my past trauma immensely. So, to whoever is reading this right now, thank you. Even though I may not get the scholarship money, these scholarships are helping me fix myself. As far as my career aspirations go, it's complicated. If I could do anything in the world it would be to sing with Voces 8. But, with as big as one can dream, I've found that dreams usually don't come true. My current plan is to major in vocal performance so I can be a vocal coach and substitute choir teacher so I can choose my own hours and pace myself. I'll always dream big though, even though I know it won't happen. My mental health journey is nowhere near over, but I can see glimpses of light from here. I can walk most of the time with the assistance of walking crutches, and I try to help others around me as much as I can. My mission in life is to be known as the "woman who serves." I rely heavily on church and serve my brothers and sisters as much as I can. I've learned to rely on the Lord and am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have found peace, joy, and healing in my life through the gospel, and I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for God's angels on earth.

My name is Carolyn Cannon and I've struggled with mental health for many years. I have many disorders, and some include FND (Functional Neurological Disorder, which causes me to go deaf, blind, and tick, but most frequently, I go randomly paralyzed), DSPD (Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, which means my brain doesn't recognize its night till around 4-6 am), Insomnia (so even when my brain does realize its time to sleep, I still can't), OCD Tendencies, Depression, Generalized Anxiety disorder, and more. These disorders have affected every single aspect of my life very profoundly. When it comes to my goals, relationships, and understanding of the world, I think my depression and FND have shaped them the most. My paralysis has been taken advantage of in unforgivable ways. I was unable to kill myself because I couldn't move my body to do so. I had so many sleepless nights just wondering what the point of life even was if I couldn't really live it. Because of my depression, my view of the world has changed so much. I was 14 when I was introduced to the twisted minds of young men and sexually harassed. I went from viewing the world as my stage and believing I could do anything to seeing it as nothing and wanting to die. My dreams and aspirations seemed like nothing. I remember a conversation I had with my best friend at the time. We were both crying on the phone. I was at my grandmother's house and had a plan to end it all. She made plans to hang out with me a few days from then and just asked me to set a goal to make it till then. She did this over and over, which ended up saving my life. I saw the world as a cruel and unforgiving place, but friends and family helped me through it and helped me see that I could get better. I have gotten very good at goal setting over the years of living with FND. I had to relearn how to walk, so I started with simple goals, such as standing using my arms to support me for 30 seconds, then a minute, then 5 minutes, and then taking my first steps all over again as a 14-year-old girl. My relationships were probably affected the most drastically, and I was horribly discriminated against. Peers and teachers who didn't see the trauma going on in my personal life didn't believe that a seemingly normal girl could suddenly develop such a disabling disorder. I was horribly bullied in middle school; my peers would pick me up off the back wheels of my wheelchair so I couldn't brake or control where I was taken. They shoved me into the boys' bathrooms, they poured food on me at lunch, they outcasted me, and some of my best friends betrayed me in terrible ways. I never wanted to die more in my life. My family and I ended up moving two hours away where I rebuilt my friend group from the ground up, telling as few people as possible about my disability in fear of being bullied again. Just yesterday, I finally opened up to one of my good friends about it after he kept asking about my absences from school. My mental health journey is nowhere near over, but I can see the light from here. I can walk most of the time, and try to help others around me as much as I can. My mission in life is to be known as the "woman who serves." I rely heavily on church and serve my brothers and sisters as much as I can. I've learned to rely on the Lord and am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have found peace, joy, and healing in my life through weekly temple attendance and daily prayer and scripture study. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for Gods angels on earth.

Billie Eilish is one of my inspirations for becoming an artist and producer, and I aspire to be like her someday. The top 3 songs by Billie Eilish that resonate with me the most are "wish you were gay," "idontwannabeyouanymore," and "my strange addiction." Young love hurts. I loved my best friend for seven years, starting in fourth grade and ending about a year ago. During this time, I discovered Billie Eilish. "wish you were gay" really stood out to me because I related so deeply with the lyrics, especially the bridge: "I just kinda wish you were gay. To spare my pride, to give your lack of interest an explanation. Don't say I'm not your type, just say that I'm not your preferred sexual orientation." I wanted so badly for there to be a reason for his lack of interest. Even a year after finally getting over him, I still wonder if things could have gone differently. As many teenagers do, I experienced severe depression in my earlier teen years. I hated myself, and I felt like everyone around me did as well because of severe bullying in middle school. I wanted so badly to be anyone else. All the other girls were skinny, had boyfriends, had good grades, and seemed happy, and then there was me. The lyrics "If teardrops could be bottled, there'd be swimming pools filled my models" and "Was I made from a broken mold?" really stood out to me. There would be swimming pools filled by models and oceans filled by people who are even less fortunate than them. I felt like I was "made from a broken mold" because everyone else seemed to be so much happier than me. I would listen to this song on repeat and cry myself to sleep. After moving to a new city, things started looking up for me. I got my depression under control and was no longer bullied. I even met a boy who made me happier than ever (yes, pun intended). But things quickly got unhealthy. It became obsessive and addictive, and I started to relate to "my strange addiction." The lyrics "deadly fever, please don't ever break. Be my reliever, 'cause I don't self-medicate" really stuck out. He became the problem and the solution. He would make me sad, and when I was sad, I wanted him. He was the solution to the problems that he caused, and I liked the pain if it meant I could keep him. Things came crashing down in flames, and getting over him took a long time. During the recovery from the breakup, everyone kept reminding me that nothing lasts. "Tell me "nothing lasts," like I don't know" resonated with me. Billie Eilish is one of my favorite artists and a massive inspiration for me. While all of her songs are amazing, these three resonate with me the most (or did at some point in my life), and I will be forever grateful to her for creating these songs, which helped me process such difficult emotions at different stages of my life.