Due to my hearing loss from otitis media, I experienced speech delay during pivotal months of development. One hospital even diagnosed me with “borderline retardation.” My dad ripped up this report and continued his quest with my mom to find answers. In another instance, a male doctor from Florida spoke cavalierly that I was a spoiled brat who just needed a “whooping.” At age four, my parents finally found a dedicated, speech-language pathologist, Dr. Althea Pennerman. Until age 11, as part of my IEP/504 plan, I attended speech-language sessions.
For a few years, I was withdrawn from three elementary schools due to insufficient catering or insensitivity to my learning needs. In one of these schools, an elderly teacher, named Mrs. Peterson, severely lectured me and put me in timeout for most of class. My mother was horrified when she witnessed Peterson harshly grabbing my arm as she was picking me up from school. Eventually, at age six, I was diagnosed with ADHD. After nearly failing the first grade, my Aunt Renée recommended to my parents that I see a tutor, named Ms. Grey, at Country Campus, a summer school in Marietta, GA. After Ms. Grey tutored me, I started reading voraciously. The following autumn, I earned a spot on the honor roll for the first time. Although I am grateful for overcoming these tribulations, these experiences would have long-term impacts on my mental health including social anxiety, poor work-life balance, hypervigilance, and overreliance on academic success for self-worth.
Despite my collegiate success, I began to grapple with anxiety & loneliness. Although I was involved in various campus activities, the time I invested in studying came at the expense of my social life. I began to realize that the ostensible, self-actualization that I derived from scholastic endeavors left me melancholy. After college, my anxiety manifested into scary, physical symptoms ranging from heart palpitations, insomnia, trembling, high blood pressure, and panic attacks. Eventually, I was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).
In retrospect, my GAD was a result of my childhood struggles. Largely due to ADHD, I struggled with time management and executive dysfunction. After years of forgetting to do homework as a child, I became hypervigilant about completing my coursework. Consequently, I psychologically associated coursework and other tasks with fear and was subsequently in constant fight-or-flight mode.
Fortunately. I have since improved my health and learned to prevent/ alleviate my GAD symptoms. In addition to prayer, meditation, low-intensity exercise, and deep breaths, one phrase helped shift my mindset- “one thing at a time.” Oftentimes, what precipitated my anxiety symptoms was feeling overwhelmed about all of the tasks I needed to complete. Whenever I felt these fears arise, I began to repeat the mantra, “one thing at a time.” I have also learned to give myself grace. Like many people, I am my own worst critic. In recent years, as a young adult, I now have the perspective and understanding of how my childhood experiences contributed to issues in adulthood.
This shift in my mindset also transferred to my professional life. Due to my aforementioned history, I have had a lifelong fear of being perceived as stupid or incompetent. My Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria from my ADHD surely did not help either. Consequently, I socially withdrew from co-workers and was fearful of supervisors’ evaluation of my job performance. I also previously subscribed to the idea of faking it ‘til you make it.’ Frankly, I find this aphorism to be a bit short-sighted. At some point, my fake confidence had to become genuine. For me, this translated into not feeling obligated to know everything, not being afraid to ask questions, and not faking extroversion. By no longer aspiring to be a “perfect professional,” I felt less stressed at work. Moreover, as my social anxiety lessened, I have reconnected with old friends, such as my best friend from middle school. I also started spending time with co-workers outside of work and having more meaningful conversations.
What also helped me was reconnecting with public service. As an AmeriCorps VISTA, I helped build capacity at the Birmingham Land Bank Authority which works to reduce blight (throughout Birmingham’s 99 neighborhoods) through expedited quiet title action and selling abandoned properties. As a legal secretary for the Office of the City Attorney, I directly engaged with Birmingham residents, learned about issues that Birmingham faces, and visited Civil Rights landmarks (i.e. 16th Street Baptist Church). By centering other people’s concerns (instead of my own insecurities), some of my anxieties were assuaged. My public service work and my family history have reminded me that the larger public policy issues I will address, after receiving my Master’s in Public Policy, are more consequential than my insecurities.
Lastly, one of the most important takeaways from my journey has been no longer thinking of life as a linear timeline where I have preset milestones I must meet. After graduating from college, I constantly compared myself to my peers who pursued graduate school or who received prestigious job offers. I felt like a failure since I delayed pursuing a JD, and 2020-2021 were tumultuous years overall. Eventually, I stopped checking my social media. Most importantly, I began to accept that life would deviate from what I expected or planned. Since age 11, I thought I would become an attorney. Now, I'm pursuing an MPP instead of a JD. After college, I did not expect to still live in Alabama, but I gained great work experience by working for the City of Birmingham. In sum, I stopped setting super specific goals and feeling crushed if said goals were not met. Some of the most amazing moments in my life have been, to some degree, unplanned or complete surprises. I used to be hell bent on planning for the future, and I believed that uncertainty was my enemy. Now, I embrace it because I have found that my initial plans paled in comparison to what life has in store for me.