I used to believe that control could protect me. If I kept everything structured and predictable, nothing could fall apart. That belief took shape early, reinforced by years as a competitive gymnast, where discipline and precision gave me a sense of safety. Control meant peace of mind.
That belief began to unravel when I was eleven, when my sister developed a debilitating eating disorder. I watched my best friend struggle in ways I could not understand, and for the first time, I experienced the helplessness of watching someone I loved suffer. What had once felt stable became uncertain. That illusion of control was completely shattered just before my seventeenth birthday, when I lost both my aunt and my father to suicide.
The grief that followed was more complicated than sadness. It was confusion, anger, and an overwhelming sense of abandonment. I had watched my father decline after a bike accident, transforming from a vibrant, outgoing presence into someone I barely recognized. Still, I could not reconcile his suffering with the love I knew he had for me. If he loved me so deeply, why did he leave? I carried that question into my relationships, where fear of loss and an aching need for connection sometimes led me to seek reassurance in unhealthy ways. I was trying to fill a void I did not yet understand, while carrying emotions I did not know how to name.
In college, therapy became a turning point in my relationship with myself. I remember sitting in sessions struggling to put words to emotions I had spent years avoiding. For the first time, I was not trying to control what I felt. I was learning to understand it. I began to recognize how much of my thinking and behavior had been shaped by unhealed grief, anger, and fear. Therapy taught me that emotions do not become less powerful when we acknowledge them; they become more understandable. I also began studying psychology, initially not because I had a clear career path, but because I was searching for answers. I wanted to understand why people suffer, how suffering shapes the way we relate to ourselves and others, and what can help people heal. That curiosity eventually led me to research focused on self-development following trauma, where I began exploring human behavior through both scientific and personal lenses.
Over time, my understanding of my father and aunt changed. The question that once consumed me—How could they leave if they loved me?—gave way to a more compassionate understanding of psychological pain. I no longer see suicide as evidence of a lack of love, but as a reflection of suffering that can become so overwhelming that a person cannot see a path forward. If I could speak to them now, I would not ask why they left. I would tell them that I see their suffering, that they were not defined by their darkest moments, and that they did not have to be ashamed of needing help.
That shift changed more than how I understood their deaths; it changed how I understand people. I became more aware of how much of another person's experience is invisible. Someone can appear successful while struggling privately. Someone can respond with anger when they are actually afraid. Someone can withdraw when what they need most is connection. I have learned to pause before judging what I see and ask instead: What might this person be carrying that I cannot see? That question has changed the way I approach my relationships—with greater patience, curiosity, and compassion.
It has also shaped what I want to do with my life. I am now pursuing my PhD in Counseling Psychology at the University of Denver, where I am training to understand mental health within the context of people's identities, relationships, and broader environments. My experiences have taught me that effective mental health care requires more than treating symptoms; it requires creating spaces where people feel safe enough to be honest about their pain. I want to help individuals who feel isolated by their suffering find language for what they are experiencing and, ultimately, find a path forward.
I cannot change what happened to my family, and I cannot control whether another person will struggle. What I can control is how I respond. I can choose to listen instead of assume, to ask instead of judge, and to make difficult conversations feel a little less frightening. The losses I have experienced will always be part of me, but they no longer define me. They have given me a deeper appreciation for connection, a greater compassion for unseen suffering, and a commitment to bringing what was once difficult to talk about into the light.
What began as an attempt to understand why the people I loved could not keep going has become a lifelong commitment to understanding people more fully. I cannot change what I have lost, but I can choose what I build from it. I choose a life rooted in connection, understanding, and helping others find hope when they cannot yet see it for themselves.