Missing You Crazy by Russ has an important message to me. The most important part of the song “Sometimes I start missing you crazy, ain’t nothing quite like you, love like this keeps going and going, I can not forget you”. It makes me think of my boyfriend Steve that passed away three years ago. He was the love of my life. The song also goes into “If you saw me now, would you recognize me or would you call me out” I feel so much has changed since he has passed and I ask this question daily to myself. “Riding ‘round the town staying out, don’t wanna say goodbye” I never wanted to be apart from him, I wanted to marry him. I always told him he had to outlive me because I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. One of the last parts of the song that make it so meaningful to me “Everything’s so different now, you’re just what I’m missing now, but I know I can’t have you back” and ends with “Love like this keeps going and going, I can not forget you”. Steve was my world, and every time this song places I just feel it is a message from him.

Incarceration impacted my life by showing me it was “normal” at a young age to end up in jail. This is far from the truth, but my mother, father, and uncle went to jail on and off during my up bringing. It gave a sense of it happens to everyone. As I grew in age and started doing my own thing, I quickly started doing things that could have lead to incarceration myself. My mother went to jail for shoplift when I was 11 years old, during my Christmas visit with her. I was taken to the police station, while she was questioned. My father went on a few DUIs. My uncle was in and out most of my life, his most recent for trying to end his life. He wanted to die by suicide by cop, due to depression from addiction. He was shot 5 times and is lucky to be alive. These are just some of the direct family members that I knew about growing up that had been incarcerated. I learned quick that it’s easy to end up in jail if you do the wrong things. Addiction took me over during high school. My academics were the least of my worry’s but I managed to graduate. I did things I’m not proud of to get by that if I would have been caught I could have went to jail. I’m grateful everyday I have been sober and clean for 5 years. I realized seeing everyone I know waste life away behind bars, broke, and having nothing is just not what I wanted out of life. I understand how people get stuck in that insanity though. I’ve watched so many friends end up in jail, along with other family members. Watching those around me being incarcerated helped me see I never wanted that for my life. I saw that it made it hard to get jobs, find a place to live. So I got sober, and within a year I got my CNA license. I’m grateful everyday I never ended up with charges or in jail. I would not be able to apply to college for early education if I had. I’m sad my family and friends have gone through what they have, but it helped make me into who I am today.

Mental illness has surrounded my family my entire life. Not only mental health with labels and treatment, but also addiction. With and without treatment for the addiction. I feel as though addiction runs deeply with untreated mental health problems. Between most of my close family I saw bits of it all. My mother suffered from depression and other underlying problems. This caused suicide attempts, medication changes, hospitalization, and even lack of seeing her. My father suffered addiction from his own mental health problems that were not dealt with. My great aunt was in abusive relationships, due to mental health. She was recently beat and shot to death. My uncle suffers addiction. My grandmother stays with her husband who molested me for three years. Due to her own unsolved mental health problems. All direct results of mental health. Dealing with the ups and downs of mental health within my family, I have also suffered my own mental health problems. I self harmed from 12-16. I went through addiction from 12-18 to mask the pain of my depression. I got sober in 2017 where I started therapy for the first time, after graduating high school. I worked on the problems caused by mental health within my family. And being molested by two different family members from 3-12. This is also where I was diagnosed with manic bipolar. Once I started medication and therapy things started to look up. I started getting interests back. I looked forward to things, and for once I truly felt happy. That was not something I was use to feeling. I met an amazing man who I wanted to marry. We were together for 2 years. He had four children, and he showed me the good side to life. How to be a stepmom/mom, and what I wanted out of life. January of 2020, he passed away sadly to an infection and unmanaged diabetes. I had just turned 21 years old, and my whole world was turned upside down. This caused me to go into a depression again. I lost everything I wanted in life. I pushed through without medication or therapy for a while. I met my current boyfriend and the father of my one year old son. Who also has suffered his own mental health and addiction problems. This has caused stress on our relationship as he was still using when we first got together. Right before our son was born he got sober. He has now been sober for a year and a half. We both have started therapy to work through our problems that stem from both of our childhood traumas. Lose of partners, and just everyday stress. I started meditation in the last year for my mental health. I had sever postpartum depression after giving birth and got put on an anti depressant. This has helped me control my outburst of emotions which was affecting my everyday life. I am hoping between being stable on medication and starting therapy it will help get me back to where I was. Happy, motivated, and interested in things again. I hope to truly be happy to go due thing, and have faith in myself.

As I was growing up I much preferred to be at school than at home. Addiction and alcholaziom ran in my family. I also was an only child. The school was my getaway from "normal" everyday life at home. I would find comfort in the safety of the school. Often teachers were a big influence in my life. My parents were not together, causing me to move around to nine different schools. My eleventh and twelfth grade was the year when I found teachers that helped make me who I am today. They helped me threw not only a bad family life, an abusive boyfriend, and addiction. Also threw my dad getting sober and leaving his wife. More than just one teacher went out of their way to help me those two years. My art teacher, online teacher, and my librarian. I am sure there are many more, but these few stuck out more than others. My art teacher understood that life wasn't always the best at home. He helped my art passion turn into an amazing part of my life. To help me express myself. My online teacher worked in the school and had special education classes during the day. I would often go to her class during study hall. She truly listened and made me feel heard. She cared, and that is what I hope to show all my students in the future. She even made me 2017 out of dollars and framed it for my graduation, and got me an amazing sketchbook. She listened and knew I loved drawing. She also asked a close friend and me to help lead a presentation on internet safety for the special education class. My librarian also was an amazing listener. She loved my art so much, she got me a large canvas to make a painting for her to hang in the library. That made me feel honored and remembered for my art. All though these teachers were not in my life for longer then two years. They still have an impacted on my day to day life. How to be kind to others, and up lift what their passions are. To help believe in someone even during their dark times. Taking the time to understand things were happening at home, and would give oppertunity to bring grades up. Teachers were a key part of my childhood to young adult, and helped make me who I am today. I want to become a teacher not only because of the great teachers in my past life. Also to help future students the way they helped me. I want to give children a reason to look forward to come to school, and to be eger to learn. Children are our future, and I want to be apart of the teaching them. Helping children realize their interest and passions. Someone worth remembering. Educatars spend large amounts of time with children, and I hope I can be remembered as I remember my past teachers.

I am a child of addicts and alcoholics. I also was molested by two different family members. My father was an active alcoholic until I was 17 years old. After his second DUI, he went to rehab and started AA. He has been sober since. My mother struggled with mental health when I was young, in and out of psych wards due to cutting. My parents had always been separated. My parents were both gay growing up, this was still before it was fully legal for them to get married to same-sex. This caused some extra conflict in school while growing up. I moved around to 9 different schools in total before graduating in 2017. Due to the different traumas in life, around 12 years old, I started dabbling with drugs and alcohol. I would "party" here and there. From 13-16, I was in an abusive toxic relationship. After being punished repeatedly in the face, I decided to leave him for good. I started using drugs every day all day. I was addicted. I barely graduated high school, I do not remember much from my last year of school. After graduation, it only got worse. Until one day I asked for help. My family helped me get into rehab. I spent 4 months inpatient, and 4 more months in a halfway house. I surrounded myself with NA and AA. I have now been sober for 5 years. During my first year in recovery, I met an amazing man. He had 4 children and I was 19, and he was 30. He was the sweetest, kindest man. He showed me the true meaning of love. He showed me true kindness. There was no screaming or yelling. Just pure happiness. After a year and a half though he passed away. When he died he took a piece of me with him. It is going on 3 years without him. I live every day to make him happy. A year ago I had my son. He is my other motivation to continue my recovery and pursue my dreams. I of course like everyone else want nothing but the best for my son. I struggle daily with my mental health, and post-partum depression. I want to start college now, by the time he is of school age I may be able to afford more. It hurts not knowing if you're going to have money for Christmas, or birthdays. Let alone a vacation somewhere nice. My dream is to go to college to become a teacher. They always had a massive impact on my life, and I want to give that back. Dealing with a lot of the "troubled kids" from messed up families, teachers may have been able to help more if they simply understood. Understand these troubled kids are from trauma in the home, and just need a little extra patience in school. I want to make a classroom feel like a safe space for children, and help them feel heard. Children are the key to our future, and I want to be a part of their education.

Mental health has influenced every aspect of my life. It has had an impact on my beliefs, relationships, and my career in many different ways. Somedays I'm depressed and anxiety-ridden, others I am hyper and manic. On other days I just enjoy life, some I am just there. The highs and lows of being manic bipolar effect my day to day. Whether positively or negatively. This causes my beliefs, relationship, and my career to be influenced in many different ways. Both good and bad. My beliefs have been affected by trauma and mental health greatly. Questioning if there truly is a "god" allowing bad things to happen to children. Causing lifelong effects from trauma, causing mental health in the adults because of the abuse they endured as children. Even going a step further other than just spiritual beliefs, and just going into personal beliefs. Always making sure to be kind, and compassionate. Following the "do's and don'ts". Speaking out for equality, and justice regardless of what others think. Personal beliefs should not cause conflict, and many let just that happen. My mental health has helped me realize that I do not ever want my beliefs to affect someone else's mental health. Relationships and dealing with mental health can be hard. When I am feeling depressed, I often think everyone hates me and does not want me around. This makes me not like myself or can cause fights from not understanding that my thoughts are not always reality. Doing therapy has helped me to understand, that some things people do are caused by their depression and anxiety. People do not always know any healthy coping strategies. It also taught me my healthy coping strategies, and how to be more self-aware of when my moods are shifting and the true causes of the shift in mood. People do not always want to deal with moods shifting a lot in a day, or weeks. Some people stay, and some people go. Some understand, and some do not. I work on myself daily, to try and help my mental health stay at a moderate level. In the few relationships that I do have, I am beyond grateful that they understand my mental health. Also that I can be there for them, for their mental health problems too. This is the main key to most of the relationships being successful in my life. My career aspirations have been affected greatly by my mental health. It made me feel not worth going any father then what I did with high school. I thought I would fail out of college, even though I graduated from high school. That is part of the craziness of my depression. On other days I feel like I can do anything though. That is just what living with manic bipolar is. Weeks or days of happiness and sadness all at once. With the right medication, and therapy my mental health is finally at a place where I am level more times than I'm not. I can finally see that I can go back to school and that I can do well. Truly believing it for myself. Having faith those inner thoughts are not true. That I can graduate college. That I can be successful at going to college to finally be on the career path I want, and not just settle for. Mental health has affected me since I was about 12 years old. I did not fully realize the impact it had on my life until about 19 when I went to treatment for substance abuse. That is when I got the therapy I needed. This is also when I realized the influence my mental health had on my life. How it affected my beliefs, relationships, and my career. Hopefully, I continue on this journey through life and do well to work on my mental health.

Your Heart The day I met you I knew, I knew that you'd be the one, The one I would say I do too, It was all just so pure. Your words were sweet like candy, Your touch melted the pain, Your heart reminded me of summer, You were my night in shining armor. Watching you with your children, Pure happiness and laughter, Smiles for miles, They were the light of your life, They were your everything. Dedicated family man, A big fluffy panda bear, The one to always make everyone smile, Music was everything for the stress, Day by day I think about all that you did. I miss everything about you, I never got to say I do, instead had to say goodbye. Leaving work hopeful, Trying to be strong, Kissing you and saying I love you, Chancing from my work clothes. Seeing you and yelling for help in the hospital room, Hours of CPR, Begging you to come back, Knowing you were not coming back, You were cold, I knew, I knew I had to say goodbye. A piece of me went that day with you, I will always love you, And I will always miss you.

Recovery means many things to different people. To me, it means being the best version of myself. I got clean at 19. I spent four months in inpatient therapy in Florida and then spent another four months in a halfway house. Recover became a part of my life. Starting every day off with what I am grateful for. Every night sitting down to reflect on what I could have done better. Recovery is what you do with it, it is not only taking away the drugs or the drink. It is looking at your side of the street daily, and being truly honest with yourself. Feelings hold power, and you always have to take accountability for changes to occur.

I plan to inspire the youth by just having fun. The class should not be boring and it needs to excite, to catch their interest in learning. I will always do my best to encourage them all, and show them they are capable of anything. Ensuring a safe space, and always making sure no one is left behind. All children are special and deserve the best education. I hope one day I can be like all the teachers that have inspired me to this point in my life.

Mental health is the key to everything you do. If your mental health is not right it makes it impossible to do just about anything. I know when my mental health is not right, I am depressed. My depression makes me not want to get out of bed, clean, cook, talk to people, or do anything outside of the home. Leaving the home to even go to work quickly became difficult as well. Depression makes it hard for me to want to do simple life tasks that need to be done to survive. I have a one-year-old son, and after giving birth I quickly realized I was going through postpartum depression. I felt alone and scared to do anything. Money was becoming tight from maturity leave. Making decisions started to become very difficult, and all this lead to suicidal thoughts. I decided it was time to talk to my doctor. I did not want to end up like my mom, not handle my mental health and be absent from my son. I started taking an anti-depressant and talking about what was going on inside my head to people around me. Having someone to listen and understand and telling me I was not alone helped. I often think back to when I was in inpatient therapy in rehab, and the different copy skills for life they taught me. Not only for my addiction but also for my mental health because they go hand in hand. I write to express my feelings. I listen to music to clear my head. I walk to get exercise and fresh air to remind myself of the beauty in the world. I remind myself of the things I am grateful for every morning. All of these things are just some of the many ways I try to help maintain my mental health. Mental health is the key to your daily life. If my mental health is not right, no part of my life will be right. I will not be able to care for myself, let alone my son. I also have animals that rely on me heavily to care for them. If I am not able to get out of bed due to my mental health, I am not able to do any of these daily tasks. Maintaining my medication daily, and going through my different coping skills is the only way I can be my best self.

I have experienced mental health in all parts of my life. My mother, grandmother, and I all have some sort of mental health problems. My mother was very depressed, and in abusive relationships during my upbringing. She attempted suicide two different times, causing me to not be able to see her for long periods. At 11 years old, and younger it is hard to understand why you can not see your mom. Until you go through it yourself growing up. You understand why she was not always available, but you do not understand why she did not always try harder. My goal is to always address my mental health before it affects my relationship with my son. I do not ever want my depression and anxiety to make me unavailable for my son for months on end. He deserves the best version of me. Not the broken child who was molested, abandoned due to mental health, and living with her alcoholic father. Trauma is the root of almost any mental health. It does not have to be your story forever, and you can always seek help for it. Speaking up for myself, helps others speak up for themselves. I am grateful daily for what I went through, so I can better help others that have also gone through these things.

I currently own a very bold 6-month chihuahua mix named Loki. Loki is certainly your average puppy. He is white and black, with medium-length fur. He gets into everything and wants to chew anything in sight. I know it will not be forever though. He thinks he is the king of the house, and bosses his older cat siblings around. He does not understand that his six pounds of nothing, can not take on the cats that are twice his size. He is 100% chihuahua with his spicy attitude. I start every morning out with Loki and end every night with him. He is always by my side. Whether we are at home, and there is a house full of people. Or we are out walking by a crick. You will always find him close by. He helps my anxiety greatly by having him around. He senses when I am stressed out and just lays with me until I calm down. When my emotions are high and I cannot seem to stop crying, Loki is always there ready to lick away my tears. As sweet as I just made him sound, his spicy attitude also drives me up a wall. Between training, and stubbornness with the cats and barking. He will chase the cats to no end regardless of the different approaches I try. He will stand on the porch and bark for hours on end to show the leaf going through the yard this is his house. He stomps his feet at me when he does not get his way. He acts like a child throwing a fit. Regardless of his attitude, he is my world. He helps teach me patience, and gratitude when he learns what I am training him. He helps me remember every day that things take time. The more persistent you are the better the outcome with what you are trying to work at. He reminds me every day why walks are helpful for the soul. He helps show me every day what unconditional love is. Taking care of him is just as beneficial for me as it is for him. Reminds me even though I can be difficult at times to deal with people still love me, as I do him. He shows me everyday patients is key, to getting where you want to be. He is a big piece in this puzzle of life, of where I am today.

Watching addiction consume your parent is not only hard for them, but it's also hard for the child. Being left alone at the house for hours on end, so they could get that next drink/high. Learning life's basic skills on your own because their addiction comes first. Growing up alone, and afraid of their anger. Growing up watching all these different things happening around me. I understood one thing, and that was that I wanted nothing more than to not become that. Regardless of the challenges, I faced due to my father's addiction, and eventually my own. No matter what life struggles you face. That if you choose to continue to move forward and put your all into changing, it is possible. My father got sober when I was 18, and I at 19. All of the damage to our relationship that had been done in addiction changed due to our responses once sober. If both my father's and my responses had been any different I'm not sure I would be who I am today. Everything I do in life is to try to be the best version of myself that I can be. Always trying to do the next right thing, so that I never hurt my son the way I was hurt growing up. I have become my best self by being more open to new things. Whether it's changing my way of thinking or my way of doing things. What we do and say in this world affects everything. I waited until 23 to get the courage to go to college. I allowed the words of addiction to eating at me that I was not good enough and that I would fail. That is just not true. Addiction and recovery have shown me that. Our responses and our actions are everything in this world. I know I will always want to be the best for myself and my son. I want to help shape him, and him not feel alone and scared as I did. I want to stand by him, and help him learn. All of my responses to life's challenges, between my father's addiction and my own have shown me one thing for the curtain. That is to always do your best and be kind. Children watch your every move, and they will mimic what you show them. If you want them to do their best you have to show them the way. I may have never learned this in life as quickly as I did if it had not been for living with addiction.

This year I have learned so much. I had my son at the end of last year October 7, 2020. I started a new job in February. I took a pay cut, and cut my hours in half to be able to breastfeed my son. It truly made me realize how much I hated being a CNA. I loved every minute of taking care of residents, but it is hard on the body. I realized that while I have a job where I am working fewer hours, I should go back to school for a degree. I have always had a hard time deciding what I wanted to go to college for. I was always scared of making the wrong decision in life, and that I would regret it. I also thought for a long time that I would just fail at anything I did. I realized through this last year, children and education have always been my passions, so why not do both with early education? Teaching children and helping them work through problems has always come easy for me. This is why I finally decided I was applying to college for early education pre-k - 4th grade. Growth and change will happen every day. Every day I learn something new. Children have an amazing outlook on life. They have some of the most honest and pure moments. They show you strength without even knowing it. I am very grateful for my son, otherwise, I'm not sure I would be where I am at today. I am not sure I would have left my job as a CNA, and decided to finally go back to school after five years after graduation. My son has helped me to the self-realization that it is now or never to complete school. Not only to help give him the best life possible but also for my happiness. My son has shown me that I have to be the strong one for us. His future depends on what I show him. He watches my every move. This is all why I have applied to college and will be starting in January. He will watch as mommy continues to grow, and show him it is never too late to try new things. That at any time you can better your life for yourself. Regardless of what life throws my way I will continue to grow to always show my son a better way.

I started dating an amazing man in 2018. I had just moved back home from rehab in Florida. Steve was not well off by any means. He was truly amazing though. He taught me how a man should truly treat a woman. After being with men that abused women, degraded them. Did not have licenses and never even had their name on a lease. I met a 31-year-old with four children. He taught me men that should take you out on dates, and be mindful. Men should go out of their way for their women if they love them. Steve taught me I did not have to apologize all day every day or be scared. At the beginning of 2020, Steve passed away. I thought the man I thought I was starting a life with. The man I was helping started to get his children back after two years without them for the first time in his life. He spent three weeks in and out of the hospital with a horrible infection. I stood by his side every second I could. Missing work, calling and checking on him consistently to make sure he was alright. One day after work I went to visit him, it was the day before they were going to remove his leg from the infection. I got to his room, I gave him a kiss told him I loved him and went to chance my clothes. When I came back out, I saw he was not alright. I yelled for his mother in the room to go get a nurse, they came in and started CPR and made us leave the room. They could not save him, has I held him begging for him to come back. Steve wanted me to live my best life, we were trying for a baby. Before he passed he looked at me and said "One day you'll be a great mother and I hope you can get pregnant even if it's not by me". I want to show him that I can go back to school for my son that I know he sent me. I fight hard every day to do the next thing Steve would want me to do.

Addiction was all around my life for as long as I can remember. My father was in addiction throughout my whole childhood. Most of the other family members were as well, but they were not always around. It was lonely, and scary growing up an only child with an angry alcoholic. I moved around a lot due to my father's addiction and his being a single father. By the time I started 6th grade it was my fifth school. That year I also turned 12 so my father started to go out to the bar every night leaving me home by myself. I was not very good at making friends, so I quickly got in with the "outcasts". I felt that was all I was worth, all the bad kids getting into trouble. Weekends quickly turned into times for getting drunk or high. I felt lonely and it started to help fill the void that I was not receiving at home. I also came out about sexual abuse around this time, and weekend partying turned into skipping school to get high. My 8th grade year I moved in with my mom, where I stopped partying. But, proceeded to move to two different schools in two more years. Not knowing if we were going to move again I started cyber school for my 10th grade year. That year for Christmas my mom told me we were moving to Florida. I could not handle another move. I told my mom I was moving back in with my dad if she was leaving, and so that is what I did. I finished out my 10th grade year between both house. I started at the school I graduated in 11th grade. I had no friends, this was my 10th school I had gone too. So yet again I found the "outcasts". But this time it was much more then just drinking a few beers or smoking weed. By my senior year I hit my lowest. I started using meth, using needles, smoking and snorting anything I could get my hands on. This went on for another year. I did things I never thought I would do, I felt so alone and lost. I did not even recognize myself by the time I went to rehab in December 2017. I graduated in June of that year, barely remembering my last days in school from being so high. Sobriety lead me to my son, and for the last 5 years I've been free. Free of the choice of no choice. Addiction makes you someone that your not, and I'm finally happy to be myself again. Finally ready to start school again. I want to go to school for early education, to just be children's safe space. I know for myself teachers were usually the nicest person I talked to that day. I want to help children during their early years get the best start they can.

I'm motivated as a mother to further my education for many reasons. The main reason being even though I type this while breastfeeding, I want him to see it's not impossible. I want to further my education to be able to offer him more in life. Earn more money from my degree to be able to afford all the nice things life has to offer. I want to be able to go on family vacations and what I currently make as a CNA/home health aid does not cover it all. I take care of my one-year-old son daily to struggle to afford rent and other bills. Struggling every day to get by and not being able to offer him more is only half of why I want to further my education. I also want to show my son that even though I was a child of addiction and addiction myself early on, I can always go back to school to do better. I got in with the wrong crowd around 12 and got sober at 19. My father was also an alcoholic and he got sober when I was 18. He impacted my life a lot as a single father. Between going to school several times, and getting sober. To raise a child on his own through it all. My son watches my every move as I did my father. He is a little mockingbird. While he is young I want to show him it is always possible to further your education. Regardless if you have to work and go to school. While also raising a child. He will see that even though it is scary, and at times difficult to manage it is well worth it in the end. He will see that even if I have to breastfeed him and write papers, it can be done. And that it is not as scary as it seems at the beginning of trying something new. One struggle that I face is not having enough time in the day. School, work, doctor's appointments, cooking, cleaning, my son, and taking care of animals. Barely anytime will be left over at the end of the day. So little time, to struggle while doing better for him. It will be scary, and very tiring I'm sure. But as I said before my son will be watching. I will rise through all of life's challenges to show him this is possible.