I used to feel ashamed of who I am– a Lao American, first-generation, low-income student. I was in an echo chamber of privilege with opportunities that seemed to never echo back to me. I masked the truth of who I am, convinced that I could belong in the same reality as those around me. My sense of normalcy was something I was also ashamed of–worrying about bills or not having a father, living in a one-income household with my mother. My siblings and I separated our mother from my abusive father, who left a bank debt under my name as a parting gift. I knew it wasn’t normal for your unemployed father to have gambled the family’s money—every spin on the slot machine was another hour of overtime my mother had to work. I was a naive, frustrated, and lost child struggling to understand why we grew up the way we did. At this time, I stepped up and started working part-time in high school to ease the stress on my mother.
Being a first-generation student, means breaking the cycle and pursuing the unknown. There’s a lot of pressure in being the “first”, but I think there is a lot of honor that you can carry with it. The honor of being the product of my family’s resilience as they fled the war, found their way to the United States, and started from nothing to get to where they are now. They taught me how to be resourceful, to advocate for myself, and especially the value of an education. When it was my time to leave for university, I was scared. I didn’t want to leave her and my brother behind to fend for themselves, but she understood that this was an opportunity that doesn’t always come to first-gen students. She never completed trade school and only had a high school diploma under her belt. She made sure to ingrain it in my head that the most precious thing you can have in life is an education.
Entering college, I only had a couple hundred dollars in my savings account and a dream to be an engineer. I’ve always had a scientific mind and love chemistry, as my naivety gave way to responsibility, climate change became something I deeply cared about. I want to “pay it forward” to not only my family, but for the next generation of Lao Americans. I want to show that we can do anything we set our minds to. From the academic trials and tribulations, the weedout classes, and taking care of myself, I was barely surviving. I currently have a part-time job and do research at my school’s nuclear physics lab to make ends meet. Everyday forces a choice: work a few hours and lose study time for finals and midterms, or ask my mother who is financially struggling for money. I couldn’t bear to burden my mother when she was already struggling on her own, providing for herself and my little brother.
Amidst the struggle of balancing work, my studies, and my social life, I developed a stronger bond and appreciation for chemistry and physics (no pun intended). For the first time, I watched our local tandem Van de Graaff accelerator run for the first time. Engineers and physicists huddled in the control room, oh so carefully twisting knobs, flipping switches—creating magical isotopes you couldn’t think of for their experiments. They were so fascinated with the things that we couldn’t see with our eyes and soon I was too. We all heard the “boom” coming from a collision of the ion source and a target of some chemical compound, releasing enough energy to initiate a chain reaction. I knew that this could be big for the fight against climate change. So here I am, studying Chemical Engineering with a minor in Physics, hoping to close the gap between the unknown and the potential for nuclear energy. I want to create something that will outlast me, to create a world that will survive so that our nieces, nephews, siblings, children have a chance to see how beautiful the world is.
Without a doubt, I know my mother would pursue her education if we weren’t born. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t, just for her to have that chance. I want to finish my education to make her and our family proud. The greatest lesson I’ve learned from my mother is sacrifice. No matter how exhausted she was from work, or the little money we had, she would make sure we were taken care of. She is sacrificing her certainty and education just to believe in me. For that, I will always rise against the odds being against first-generation, low-income students. I want to make my mothers sacrifice worth it by finishing my degree. But ultimately, I want to represent and show the Lao community that we can do it. I want to invest in the education of other Lao youth around the country, who may be in the same situation as me. If I have a dream and am still chasing it, no matter how much I’ve been dragged down, so can they. I want to give them the small push and support that they need to keep going. Our dreams aren’t impossible nor fantasy– the sky is our limit and we can reach it too.