Hearing about your moms experience is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you find some glimmers of her in every day life and are reminded of how much she loves you. I can relate to the hidden illnesses, depression has really been a struggle of mine for as long as I can remember. I'm so fortunate to have been able to keep a little candle burning in my times of darkness.
As I sit here and type this i'm having a hard time. Mental health is just a really complex thing to talk about. Everyone's got some solution to offer that's magically going to heal you. Everyone has something to say to you that's just supposed to change your mind instantly. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, exercise more, therapy, go to the Dr. get some pills, eat better, if you don't like it just leave." It's funny how people who don't get it think they do. Depression is not a condition, or a mindset or even an illness really. It's everything and nothing, this culmination of your past present and future weighing down on you making it physically hard to breath. Its heavy, its realization of trauma and trying to work past it, having little to no energy to do anything for your future, just staying afloat is hard enough. Some people say its sadness, depression is beyond sadness it's more like all of the feelings at once and too much to take at times. When you are depressed you have hope to feel better later, you're happy when you get to spend some quality time with the kids, guilty for not spend more time doing things you love, resentment toward yourself for being "lazy". You punish yourself for missing your therapist appointments and scoff at them thinking if I could get my ass up and go to therapy 3 times a week I certainly would not spend spend my precious spoons on that. Drs. think giving you all of these meds is going to help and some do, don't get me wrong, but the experimentation is terrifying especially when you're on the brink and the side effects are suicidal tendency's. Constant fear and shame basically drive the depression truck right over top of you.
Gosh Cal, I wish there was something I could say to bring back your mom, I wish there was something I could do for my kids when I get depressed. Just know that she loves you, so much. Instead of reminiscing the pain of lost time try to understand that each and every day she chose you. Someone who has depression or other mental illness has to fight every day, has to make a real choice to be here, to keep treading water with bricks in their backpack. It gets so heavy, and after a long time it seems heavier and heavier and all you want is a break, just to be able to put the weight down for 5 minutes and relax but no amount of sleeping is restful. Sometimes the idea of that weight off of you can get really tempting and a person can just lose sight of themselves. All it takes is a small lapse in judgment to make a forever impact.
As someone who experiences depression and mental health issues I would like scientists and psychology to delve deeper into that moment. See what we can do to prevent that moment from happening and work backwards from there. Most of these people need some help with regular things and are drowning in everyday life so work next on setting them up for success with no strings attached. Take the stress off of them in a way that doesn't just postpone stress. End judgment and allow them to find their most authentic self and help set them up for that. Take away the guilt and meet them where they are. Even physically. Express an abundance of love and gratitude for what they do accomplish every day just making it out of the shadows; which at times is harder than most people will ever know. I want so badly for poor mental health to be eradicated and I pray that someone comes up with the solution. I think it has something to do with the fast paced expectations in this world that perhaps its a social issue and keeping up is impossible for some of us.
Here I am fighting my fight, trying to be a person in a world that's way too fast and mean for me. The setbacks just get heavier with age and I'm trying to find a new path entirely. As a society I think we need to let these people cut through the field in this race, so to speak. A lot of people I know with depression are super lost. We have to make a path that people can travel on their own but that is just more simple, straight forward. We need to forgive as a society emotionally, forgive the "laziness", credit issues, criminal offences in some cases, things that follow and haunt you, sometimes financially forgive even. Some people really need a clean slate and that's what I think happens in that moment. It just gets heavy and messy and there's no way out and they just need to be free. A lot of the situations that depressed people experience were not their fault but they pay that debt daily. I'm still in a big hole myself and have to dig out unfortunately but I'm getting help. I can tell you that if someone would just pick me up and put me on level ground again I'd probably rise.
I think there needs to be a program where you can just start fresh with only the people you love, a few things you want, and be who you truly are, loved unconditionally with all your debts and sins forgiven.... Now that sounds like heaven.