I work out 5 times a week, eat my veggies, and drink my water. I am a healthy person. Physically. This being said my mental health has not always been on my side. While preparing this essay, I am reflecting not only on my own mental health journey, but others, including those close to me, and how their mental health struggles along with my own have helped me see the world in a different light. I believe it has affected me in ways of wavering belief in religion, unsteady relationships, and little career aspirations. Mental health is not black and white. It is a very gray area. It is an area placed between two planes and can be a very confusing and hard time for an individual. The hardships of mental health an individual undergoes can be some of the most exhausting and hard things to go through. I know of many friends who had to endure such dark things growing up. And yet, the one response they always get is along the lines of the situation "making you stronger" or "learning from the situation". Although these may stay true, someone who is that young going through trauma does not need to be "stronger". They needed to be a kid and to receive love and affection from those around them. I think this often creates a divot in someone's relationship with God. This may be caused by the constant reminder that it did not seem as though God was real at that moment. I have had many experiences with people I know as well as myself that have prayed on so many nights for things to get better, or to get them out of a certain situation for him to not answer their prayers. So to those who have been through religious trauma, my heart goes out to you. You are heard, and your feelings are valid and completely your own. Depression, anxiety, OCD, BPD, and other illnesses can also create unhealthy relationships with those around them. People may treat those they love poorly, as a reflection of how they feel about themselves. It is just a chemical imbalance sometimes, and as I feel this way myself, most feel extremely guilty after taking it out on someone else when really they just don't know how to deal with how they are feeling. Mental illnesses also create bad habits. Some fall into alcoholism, drug abuse, or thoughts of harming themselves or others. This can result in distanced relationships with those you care about. Career aspirations and thoughts about your future can also be affected strongly. You may suddenly seem to not find any happiness or future thought in your job, or not find any passion for anything. When you don't understand what is happening to you, this can make you extremely confused and put somebody in a darker place, due to them being undetermined about their future. I look forward to helping those who cannot find hope in their future regain that healthy relationship with their dreams and passions in the workforce. Someone that courageous to keep fighting deserves so much. Healing is not linear. There is no exact way to do something right. It is hard to reach out for help, and it is difficult to not relapse. The first positive step you can take is becoming aware of your illness and seeking help. Getting help is not a cowardly or spineless thing. It does not make someone weak, if anything it makes somebody 10 times more strong. I would love to further help those globally in ways they struggle with mental health and coping with life and how it treats them.

Another night, another muffled argument from downstairs about money. How can I possibly think about college when my family and I are already stressing about money as it is? Suddenly, it all came to me. I would work for it. I would get good grades, apply for scholarships, write essays similar to this one, and get a job. And that’s exactly what I plan to do to avoid college debt, as well as another unpleasant conversation about the costs. As summer was coming close to an end, I realized I was about to enter senior year. This is the year everyone tells you “not to worry about” because it is “easy” and a “laid back year”, but I knew better. I retook the ACT at least 4 times before being satisfied with my results. I got back into clubs that I had fallen out of. I worked my hardest in every class. I broke out of bad habits from previous years. This was not easy for me. My mental health has been quite a struggle for some time now, but I have pushed myself to get better and along with that I set the personal goal to work my hardest until I was the best student I could be, this way I could not only make myself proud, but get out of college possibly debt free. Next, I knew I needed to apply for scholarships. This is what they don’t really mention about senior year. It is beyond stressful. Especially when neither of your parents that you live with had gone to college or been through this process. I talked to my school counselor, and I read and read articles and took tests that showed me what scholarships I was eligible for. Then, I got accepted into my dream college. I was so happy but then my heart sank. The costs. Oh no. The books, the housing, the tuition, all of it was too much, and I started to regret ever applying. But, that mindset could not drag me down. I have started applying for all scholarships, I am determined and I will prove to myself that I am capable of having a college experience that will feel different than the toxic environment back in my hometown. Money will not rule me, but will be an obstacle course, one that I will get through, regardless of how long that takes. To conclude, I am and will be continuing to work diligently and apply for scholarships and grants. I will make it work. Because at the end of all of this, I want to be able to look back and my 18 year old self who was being strangled by the thought of not being able to ever get out of debt, and say that she did it. I did it.