"DROP AND GIVE ME 10!! NOW!! LET'S GO!! KEEP IT MOVING! GET UP!!" This is the final stage of my "build". Getting there requires a few things first, finishing my recovery program, college, and staying healthy mentally, and emotionally. Phase 1, of my "build" is working on healing. I am not in a great place right now. So being a part of a community where women like me are struggling and need support, prayer and hope. This community offers all three. How can I go to college if I'm easily swayed by the wrong crowd, have no boundaries and let people take from me whatever. No, I'm working through this now, so this fall I am ready or have made significant progress in my healing journey. I need to be able to make healthy friendships as I am going to a male dominated trade school. If I don't start making effort to make great friendships now, I am going to be obliterated at college. Phase 2, of my "build" is college. I have been accepted into a two-year trade school and will start there this fall. I will be in a program studying Advanced Welding and Fabrication Technology. A field completely dominated by men. I have a great tom-boy personality will fit in just fine. But I need to make sure that I am having healthy relationships with these men, whether I date a few or become friends. I will learn my trade as I work well with my hands and learn how to work with men, in a shop environment. Phase 3, of my "build" is the military. I have always been fascinated by the military from a young age as I was obsessed with learning about WW2 and now have a small library of books dedicated to WW2 and the military. Though I have longed to go into the military since I was in 8th grade and my teachers brought in recruiters. I was often daydreaming about joining and would talk about it often. After college graduation, I plan to go to the military for welding and use my acquired skills from college and put them to use. I have thought through my "build" and think it is a great one considering college is approaching and half of my "build" will already be completed. It will impact me, as my dreams are coming to fruition and impact my community by serving them and my country to protect my people's freedom and rights, by putting myself on the line for them. I can already see the finish line and know what's waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. I am ready to make an impact by serving my community, country and use my welding skills. May God bless America!

"The car doesn't have breaks so, we need to replace them," said Dad. As a child and into teenage and now my young adult life, I have always loved working with my hands, whether it was drawing, helping change car oil, changing the car breaks, or working on a wood project with my Grandfather I loved it. my learning style has always been hands on, I do not learn from reading just a textbook. In high school my teachers knew I learned hands on and so I did a lot of projects and not much writing papers. I would make 3D elevated war maps in World History and geography. In Biology, I would make 3D neurons, or 3D plant models made from candy. In STEM, that was where I shined brightest, I had an abundance of supplies and an endless imagination. Then in art class, I would make clay sculptures, small heart shaped trays, and a fairy holding a glowing orb sitting on a lotus flower. Or painting and drawing using different techniques. At home, I would do weird projects like collecting pinecone to make 3D wall art or making origami models. As a hands-on learner, I decided to apply to a trade school college. I have been interested in welding since I was a freshman in high school and knew it would be something I would enjoy. I find the way the torches fuse things together fascinating and it becomes one piece. When I am working with my hands, I become very focused. I know what the end result will be and I see to it that I reach that goal. This is the time where I'm completely immersed in my zone and drown out everything else. This is a good field for me, as it requires attention to detail and focus so costly mistakes aren't made. With all my hands on experience I plan to go to this two-year college to earn my Associate's Degree in Advanced Welding and Fabrication Technology. I know that with all my experience that this program should come easy as I have paid attention to detail, I work well with my hands, I can see the end result and focused on getting it done. My instructors will help me to become even more precise and accurate to detail. I hope that by learning these new skills I can then transfer them to the us military, after earning my degree. Yes, I plan to go to the military and use my welding skills. I have always wanted to serve my country, but my family afraid of me being in the war zone and killed. So, by using these skills in the military, I will be fully immersed in my welding, paying attention to detail, getting the work done and serving my country, by using my hands to make machines so our military can function properly.

The year 2005, and a baby girl was born. This was the third child of an already dysfunctional family, to a late teenage mom and 20 something year old man. Imagine growing up for the first three years of your life surrounded by a physically abusive father and mother who was scared and let things happen. Then being adopted in 2011 and put into a loving family after been through foster care. I am that child. Throughout my school life and social life growing up I didn't have friends because of my past and lead to me doing things that I knew was wrong but felt like I needed to do those things to get validation, acceptance, love and worth. From a young age it was known that I had RAD (reactive attachment disorder). This prevented me from making healthy relationships with kids my age and others. This severely affected my relationships as I got to high school and the relationships that I had formed, would quickly burn, I felt terrible and was terrified when they left it hurt so much, and as a young adult RAD becomes an attachment disorder. Having an insecure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles makes it difficult for me to connect with people in a healthy way and regulate me emotions. I didn't have realistic goals it was fantasy and if you have these attachments, you know what I mean. I was stuck and longing to move forward but I was living in an alternate reality and refusing to get better. Depression was also another factor in play. I would have ups and then a long string of downs. This also affected my moods and relationships as people didn't know or struggled to know what I was feeling so I would isolate and hide. It got worse in high school, and I started to cope by cutting myself that feeling the pain I was at least feeling something, if I couldn't name my feelings or understand why I felt this way. My psychiatrist then decided to change medications and that was a huge mistake. I started plunging deeper and considered dying and making plans but never had the energy or strength to carry them out. I was then immediately taken off and switched back to the original medication. I was a wreck and plunging fast into the darkness. I was broken and frustrated that I wasn't moving forward in life with the goals I wanted to achieve, but yet I was the one holding myself back, in fear. With depression and attachment problems I never had the motivation to put my dreams in action. I had aspired to be so many things, actress, musician, military, law enforcement, to name a few. I never made steps in those directions. I played the victim for so long. I thought the world had destined me for failure. Now I see after treatment, working through a recovery group, that God loves me, I'm not cheap but priceless in his eyes and forgiven. I don't need to try so hard or stop trying at all. Now I am taking baby steps and made myself a goal sheet, budget and making an effort to surround myself with healthy people at my college church group. I am moving forward. It is difficult and some days I want to give up. I don't want to wallow in the dark anymore, that life is behind me and doesn't define me anymore. I want to move forward and keep looking for that light that God says is at the end of the tunnel. He's got me and now He's helping me to heal, I see progress and I know he has great things in store for me. I am moving forward to college this fall and ready to make healthy friends.

The people who have had the biggest impact on my life are the musicians NF and Dax. I was around 10 or so when my father introduced me to this rap artist. This artist has dealt with trauma, pain, fear, and other struggles. I quickly resonated with him and this music as I got older became a lifeline. I finally knew someone who was walking through the same things I was and could express it in ways that I could not. In my teenage years around 16-19, I was in a dark place and dealing with suicidal thoughts and making plans in my head. I one day remember playing his songs, Paralyzed, and Happy. In this song Paralyzed, he talks about how he feels disconnected from his emotions and identity. Something I have always struggled with and still do. and I have always struggled with that and felt this song literally spoke life into me. I was not alone, I had someone in my corner, a musician also going through the same thing I was. His song Happy, shows a girl and her adult self struggling with feelings of neglect and wishing for parents who were absent as a kid. It also talks about the emotional cracks and hurts of parents not there for you and the trauma and yearning for happiness. I have felt this as well; I am a very insecure person and asking for affection from my parents has always been a huge struggle and hard for me to give it back, so I don't or if I do its very awkward. I also find it hard to be happy. I might seem happy but underneath I'm not. I try but it never seems real or genuine. The next musician Dax has recently impacted my life. As I was away recently to do a program out of state I was struggling with validation and love and finding it in all the wrong places and doing wrong things. Dax's songs, "Lonely Dirt Road" and "I Can't Breathe"" have shook me. In his song, "Lonely Dirt Road" talks about having a protected space for emotional release and confronting pain and a road to healing. I have also struggled with my feelings or emotions and tend to give people mixed signals and I get hurt or hurt myself. So, after listening to this song I would get in my car and just drive anywhere and sit in a parking lot or walk off somewhere and cry or whatever I needed to release. Messy but it helps and is healthier than other options. Especially since I just hit rock bottom and in a recovery program now. The next and final song "I Can't Breathe", talks about internal struggles and finding the road to success. I resonate with my own problems and feel lost at rock bottom and not sure where to go or what my future holds and feeling like I'm suffocating in my problems and he explains it so clearly in a way that I just throw up my hands and say, "YES! that's exactly how I feel". I don't know where I would be, but definitely not writing this essay. These musicians have deeply impacted me and as stated before not sure where I would be. I recommend everyone looking at their music, if it can help me, it could also help you.