Although this essay is about my life, I think it's important that I talk about my brother's life first. Jay was the best person I had ever known. He was five years older than me, so I spent my childhood following him around and doing everything that he did. When he joined Karate, I watched from the sidelines and imitated his movements. I went to all of his track meets in high school, and he would give me a bone-crushing hug after, no matter what the results were. Jay was a senior at Penn State Abington when he lost his life to suicide. Two days after Jay passed away, the world shut down for the pandemic. I couldn't go back to school, I had to quit my job, and my family was a clouded mixture of grief and chaos. To help with the grief, I found solace in playing soccer and basketball with my little brother. It was a chance for us to take a breath of fresh air, and talk about the different emotions that coincided with losing our older brother. A part of me is grateful for this time with no responsibilities, but another part grieves the socialization that I wasn't able to get after my brother died. When places began to open back up, I felt a shred of the optimism that I had lost for months. I knew that I wanted to help people in ways that I wasn't able to help Jay. I declared my major as psychology at Penn State Abington, planning on finishing the chapter that my brother wasn't able to. I also found comfort in helping other people. I volunteered at my local church and coached second-grade basketball, which helped me be able to open up and answer all of the questions about life, family, and friendships that the 8-year-olds had for me. It solidified the fact that I wanted to work with kids in the future and provide support and a safe space for them to express themselves. Volunteering changed my perspective in a lot of ways. At a time when I felt like I was the only one struggling, I learned that a lot of the kids were going through their own stressful experiences. Coaching was a way for me to create a safe space for them to open up and understand that they weren't alone. If it wasn't for that experience, I'm not sure that I would've known that I wanted to help kids in the future. This scholarship would change my life. I've spent months working overtime at two jobs to be able to afford college and work toward my dream of helping people. It almost felt like fate to find this scholarship in "My Matches" on the day of the deadline. This scholarship would allow me to focus on prioritizing my education instead of constantly thinking about how many more hours I need to work to be able to afford my tuition. Thank you for the opportunity to speak out about my experiences, it means more than you know.

This essay has been the most challenging piece I've ever written. I've spent weeks staring at a blank page, struggling to find the words to express my feelings. When I found out that my older brother, Jay, had committed suicide, it felt like having the wind knocked out of me. Jay died two days before the entire world shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I was disconnected from everything I knew prior - I couldn’t see my friends, had to quit my job, and there was no outlet from the grief flooding into my household. Looking back, it’s hard to tell if this was a blessing or a curse. On one hand, I didn’t have to resume my daily responsibilities, but on the other, I was unable to distract myself with the mundane expectations of everyday life. Jay was fair; he always made me feel included. When we were younger, Jay would let me play his video games with a fake controller and tell me that I was winning. He would let me follow him and his friends around, and I never felt like the “annoying little sister.” As we got older, he gave me advice on everything from statistics homework to relationship advice - he was always there with the right thing to say. Right before he passed away, Jay was helping me practice for my license test. We both had a fear of driving, so we understood how difficult it was for each other. He never yelled or got frustrated, even when I would slam on the brakes of our dad’s car at red lights. He was always a sense of calm in our chaotic family. There are no words to describe the pain that you feel when you lose a sibling. To work through the loss, I had to put one foot in front of the other and get through each day. When the COVID-19 restrictions were finally lifted, I opened up to my parents, and I was able to process my grief with the therapist that my dad found for me. The pain started to feel less heavy in my chest. Jay was 21, in his senior year at Penn State Abington. He would’ve been the first person in our family to graduate college. I’ve decided to honor him by graduating with a degree in psychology from the same school. I chose psychology because I want to be able to help people in ways that I wish I could’ve helped Jay. Grieving has helped me realize that having a support system that you can confide in is one of the most helpful resources imaginable. To be able to provide this support to other children/ teenagers would truly allow me to make a difference. My younger brother is 13 years old, and I have spent the past three years seeing the impact that these unfortunate circumstances have had on his life, and doing my best to guide him through it. This scholarship will bring me one step closer to my goal of helping as many people as I can. My advice to anyone experiencing this is that you’ve already survived one of the hardest experiences that anyone could imagine. Whether you believe it or not, you are strong. Allow yourself to find comfort in the people around you, and allow yourself to accept all of the feelings that come with losing your sibling. I appreciate this scholarship tremendously because it lets me know that I am not alone, and if you’re reading this, then you aren’t either.