My journey toward mental health has been an arduous one for sure. The biggest problem for me in my mental health struggles has been competency. There is only so much one can know about themselves at certain times of their lives. As a teen, my parents really both checked out on me in two different ways. My mom had a progressive alcohol dependence which was pretty widely known among our community. While she has always been extremely loving and my biggest supporter, her drinking problem kept her distracted from being a good parent. My dad left. He didn't want to deal with my mom's problem nor did he really want to raise a son. From 15 to 23 my life was all about how my parents had slighted me. I was a victim. I was broken and only they could fix me. I was severely depressed and anxious. I struggled with staying focused in school or even showing up to school because I didn't know how to process any of what was going on in my life or around me. There was no one in my small town who was equipped to help me, so I just became a problem child. I wasn't a problem in the sense of causing harm, but more so just that I was low functioning and public school didn't know what to do with a low functioning student other than to discipline me. My grades were bad. I ended up transitioning to an independent study school halfway through high school. I did very well there because I could show up and do my homework all in one day under the supervision of a teacher. Before I knew it, the school was encouraging me to apply to community college. I didn't even think I was going to graduate high school, but here I was now considering college. I applied to the local community college and got accepted. I did really well there. I made dean's list and had a 4.0 GPA. I was really focused on getting my Associates, but really had no ambition outside of getting that degree. When graduation was near, the school encouraged me to transfer over to California State University, Fresno and to seriously consider a major. I initially chose computer science, since I knew it could be lucrative, but quickly realized I didn't really like it. I shifted my major to psychology because I really wanted to know what was wrong with me and my family. During my time at CSUF my mental health deteriorated. My grades started to slip. Things at home with my mom were at an all time low. I couldn't keep living with her and watching her slowly kill herself with alcohol but I also couldn't imagine a future where I wasn't taking care of her emotionally. I reconnected with my dad who offered me an out. I ended up moving to Long Beach, CA and transferring to CSU Long Beach. I struggled alone on my own without my mom to check in on. Things were looking darker for me. At a family friend's suggestion, I checked out Al-Anon, a 12 step group for family members of alcoholics. It changed my life. I realized that not only did I need to detach with love from my mom, I needed to reinvest in my own life. I started therapy and graduated with a BA in psychology. I worked for a drug and alcohol recovery center after undergrad with the intention of applying to grad school. I did apply to CSULB but was rejected due to my lower GPA as a result of my dark times at Fresno State. This was quite discouraging. Without a direction, I got burnt out at work. I ended up getting let go after three years. I found a job in claims processing and thought I was doomed to live out my existence at a desk job. I got married and my life centered around work and marriage. My mental health began to deteriorate again. I had stopped going to Al-Anon and therapy and my life felt hopeless. In the span of a year, my wife's younger brother died of an overdose, my wife relapsed on alcohol after seven years of sobriety, and I got a call that my beloved Al-Anon sponsor had passed away unexpectedly. These were my call to action. I reentered Al-Anon and started searching for therapy that could better address problems I couldn't solve even at my healthiest times. I started EMDR therapy for unresolved body trauma and it reconnected me to my inner child. I discovered I have a very severe case of ADHD which I hid by trying to be agreeable with the world. The fact was I had a lot of problems in my life that just wouldn't go away, like procrastination, problems with time, and memory. I was often overwhelmed in social situation. Learning more about myself armed me with the tools to get better and advocate for myself in a way I never knew I'd be capable of. I unfortunately went through a divorce after Covid and I knew I needed to leave my over demanding but under rewarding job. I applied to the MFT program at Umass Global to fulfill my long abandoned dream of being a therapist. I was accepted and have been enjoying the journey thus far. I am really excited about the possibility of helping others who might be experiencing the things I was in my teens, twenties, thirties and now my forties. In the process of learning to advocate for myself, I realized that a lot of people don't really have someone to advocate for them when they are struggling. Not having my own advocate at my darkest times was scary and lonely. I don't want anyone to experience that feeling. I am dedicated to being a guiding beacon of hope for others, so they can find their higher purpose in this world, just like I have.

Coming from a Witness family was very confusing as I crossed into adulthood. It took me a long time just to understand what was right for me, battling the fear that somehow God would punish me for not agreeing with Witness beliefs. I had the benefit of parents who struggled with their own faith, along with mental health issues. My father was disfellowshipped after he divorced my mother and it had been revealed he was having an affair. I saw first hand his own family shut him out at a time he was very lost. It instilled in me that if I were ever lost myself, my family might not be there to back me up. In my twenties I found therapy and the 12 step support group, Al-Anon, which both asked me to consider a Higher Power of my own. I realized that I need a God would not judge me, but would instead support me in my exploration and growth. It took over two decades to repair the damage Witnessing had on my beliefs and my life, but I am honestly happier for it. I realized that I want to help others who are struggling finding their own way and may have the burden of religious guilt hanging over them. I decided that I wanted to become a therapist. I want to provide the same safe space I was given in session to ask questions I was afraid to ask and to seek a deeper personal and spiritual connection with a God of my own understanding, not one that I inherited. My parents have recommitted to their faith and they are doing better for it, so I do not begrudge Witnessing even though I personally don't agree with its messaging. I can't deny that it works for some people. What I can do is be there for those who feel outcasted, alone and afraid. I know first hand that there is a life beyond Witnessing and I welcome those who step out with care and understanding. I am currently in grad school at Umass Global in the MFT program. I will start my practicum in three months and I am struggling to find financing to support two classes that are basically full time jobs, an added case load at my practicum site and at least a part time job to support me. I am looking for scholarship opportunities to carry me through a year of this until I can graduate in July of 2027. Besides that, I enjoy reading, learning and improving myself to the best of my ability. Sometimes I can get stuck in survival mode with finances. My family was not the best with money so I didn't really learn a lot about supporting myself. Growing up in Witnessing means a lot of devaluing of money as it will not matter in the "new system". There is still much to learn even now in my 43rd year of life. This career move to having my own therapy practice is a move towards stronger financial independence. I can hold my head up high knowing that I will be serving a greater purpose in helping others while providing a decent living for myself.

I grew up in a broken home. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad was missing from the picture. It took years of my own work in therapy to escape the family legacy of mental health problems and move forward with my own life. I am a testament to the power of therapy. It took me a decade just to find good therapy that applied to my issues. In the decade before I found the right therapy, I received a lot of bad therapy covered by insurance. I saw a therapist once a month and reported everything was good, but the truth was that I was hurting inside. I carried this hurt from my teens on into my late thirties. It wasn't until a friend had spoken to me about receiving EMDR therapy for her childhood trauma that I began to understand that I could go deeper than just the CBT I was being offered by a general therapist. No one had ever connected that I might be experiencing the effects of childhood trauma and I had no idea myself. I just knew that I would walk into the grocery story or any other public place and feel my body shake with anxiety. I would dissociate while I attempted to do my daily errands, but mostly I would isolate to avoid connecting with people. The EMDR took a bit to work through my trauma walls. I did it virtually during Covid. It connected me to the trauma of my parents' splitting up and how they gave me the choice of who I wanted to live with. Would I choose my absentee father or my alcoholic mother? I chose mom because she was closer to me and I feared she would die without someone to look after her. What I didn't realize was in that moment I was lost and in a lot of pain. I couldn't change my past but I learned how to be there for that kid who was abandoned that day. I started to see great improvement after connecting with that inner child. I continued with a new private practice therapist after my EMDR became too expensive, but it had already helped a lot. What I discovered through this experience was that a patient cannot advocate for what they cannot see and that there are professional therapists out there who will not take the time to explore deeper with the patient who might need more than just traditional talk therapy. I knew I wanted to help others on their journey of self discovery, the same journey I had experienced myself. I wanted to advocate for people who were unaware of deeper problems within them. I applied for the MFT program at Umass Global and am close to completing my first year. Being a marriage and family therapist is what I want to be. I am enjoying my classes and can feel the desire to get out there and help others. I will be starting practicum in July and I honestly can't wait.