Mental health for me has been a struggle. I have come a long way from the little girl sitting in the car wishing I would just die already. I grew up in a household where we were taught to pray and to ask God to forgive us and he would take all the pain away. In my battles with the demons in my head I have learned that no matter how hard I pray they don't seem to go away. The thoughts that I will never be good enough and that I don't deserve to even be alive tare into my soul on the worst of days. The number of times I have questioned if my existence is needed in this world is shameful to admit. I was diagnosed at sixteen with extreme depression and anxiety. This was brought about due to panic attacks I was having in P.E. over an exam. I learned that I had crippling anxiety because I couldn't breathe. My whole face would turn blue, and I was prescribed an inhaler due to the lack of oxygen my panic attacks caused me. After being sent to a therapist I learned that I also had ADHD and had a hard time focusing. The world around me kept moving and I was just trying to understand it in a manner that kept up with the interests I had so I didn't lose my head. The therapy I got was not as helpful as I wish it was. I went from having depressive episodes once a month back to once every other day. Questioning why I wasn't good enough and praying that my mind would just stop working. As my life moved on and high school ended, I stopped seeing my therapist because, with the way things ended up looking the only option for me would have been medication. I being seventeen - eighteen at the time didn't want to dish out more money for things I have pushed down and suppressed my whole life. I knew how to work with the idea that I wasn't enough. I knew how to ignore my problems and just keep pushing. I forced myself into working two jobs at a time and got passionate at just working. If I was at work I couldn't think and I used it as a coping mechanism to endure life. During that time, I got into abusive relationships because I didn't love myself. Looking back at it now the worse your mental state the easier it is to fall victim to people who want to take advantage of you. I just wanted to be loved because I couldn't and didn't love myself. I am proud to say now, that I have gotten out and have taken the time to see the flaws in my thinking. I no longer just attached to people who claim to love me, but I love myself and the actions of others follow. I have started going through positive affirmations and really focusing on being the best me. I still do get depressed, but I have found ways to help and find that talking others though their hard times brings light to not only my situation but hopefully also to theirs. Showing that we are never truly alone even if our mind tells us that no one cares. Helping others in the ways I wish I was helped as a kid has been helping me heal the inner workings of my being. Mental illness may never truly go away, but that doesn't mean that we should give it any more right to continue to hold us back.